a comedy sketch I wrote for a Second City writing class in 2004 about the Chicago Cubs and failure

For once—and only once—I'm happy to be proven wrong. Congratulations, Cubs.

"FAILURE" by Robert Cass

3/14/04 (version #2)

CAST

Peter Hillman - white, 36

Alex Hillman - Hispanic, 12

(The Hillmans' backyard on an afternoon in April.)

(Peter and Alex are playing catch.)

PETER

You're going to have the best time tomorrow, son.

ALEX

I guess.

PETER

Your first Cubs game. Your first chance to see the legacy up close.

ALEX

I've already been to a Cubs game.

(Alex drops the ball.)

PETER

What?

(Alex picks up the ball and throws it back to Peter.)

ALEX

When I was six. It was Orphan Night at Wrigley Field, so the orphanage took us.

PETER

                     (disappointed)

I didn't realize.

                     (loudly)

Grounder!

(Peter throws a grounder to Alex, who bobbles it.)

ALEX

All of us got our picture taken with Sammy Sosa and the Dominican flag. Nobody seemed to care that we were Puerto Rican, but it was still fun.

                     (pause)

I still want to go tomorrow.

PETER

Okay. Good. Because becoming a Cubs fan isn't just about baseball.  It's about learning how to live with failure.

ALEX

What do you mean?

PETER

The Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908. They haven't even been in the World Series since 1945, which was almost a century ago.

ALEX

Well, actually, it's 1908 that was almost a century--

PETER

                     (continuing to talk)

Some people would say the Cubs aren't worth the hair that's about to start growing all over your young body, Alex, but those people know nothing about hope. They think it's easy to create a winning team out of thin air, but it's just like bringing a child into this world. It takes perseverance. And lots of money. And maybe even a scientific breakthrough of some sort.

ALEX

The Cubs never give up, huh?

PETER

No, they give up every season sooner or later. But the fans never give up, no matter how many times they're let down. And tomorrow you'll begin to understand what hope really is. Tomorrow you'll begin to see what failure is all about.

ALEX

What if the Cubs win?

PETER

(laughs)

That's my boy!

                     (loudly)

Pop fly!

(Peter throws the ball high up into the air. Alex catches it a few seconds later, then speaks.)

ALEX

Dad?

PETER

Yes?

ALEX

I don't want to play Little League this summer.

PETER

What are you talking about?

ALEX

There's a summer math program at MIT that my teacher told me about. It sounded like fun, so I applied for it.

                          PETER

Well, don't be disappointed if you don't get in, okay? Think of it as a learning experience so you can brace yourself for future disappointments.

                          ALEX

But I got in. The letter came yesterday.

                          (Peter doesn't say anything.)

ALEX (cont'd)

So is it okay with you if I go? Mom said I could.

PETER

Alex, you signed up for Little League last month. You have to honor your contract, just like the Cubs do.

                     (loudly)

Hard grounder!

(Peter throws the ball at Alex's chest.  Alex catches it, then drops it, then picks it up and throws it back.)

ALEX

That wasn't a grounder.

                          PETER

I changed my mind. You've got to stay focused.

ALEX

Okay, but ... see, MIT's practically paying me to go there for the summer. The Stanley's Wash-and-Shine Rangers aren't paying me anything.

PETER

That's not how Mr. Stanley operates.

ALEX

But I don't like playing baseball. I'm not a good athlete.

                     (slight pause; proudly)

I'm a mathlete.

PETER

Alex, remember what we said about not using made-up words in the house? That applies to the backyard too.

ALEX

Sorry. But it's true. I'm never going to be any good at baseball.

PETER

(long sigh)

You're right. You're absolutely right. You're not that valuable to the team.

ALEX

                     (surprised by Peter's honesty)

Well ... yeah, I guess.

PETER

So you admit you're a failure at baseball! See, Alex, you're no better than the Cubs or me!

(Alex holds the ball in his throwing hand and doesn't toss it back to Peter. There's a long pause.)

ALEX

I don't think you're a failure. And I'm not a failure, either. I just know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and I try to concentrate on the strengths the best I can.

PETER

(at the borderline of a breakdown)

Oh, so if I was able to conceive children with your mom, that would be one of my strengths, but since I can only shoot blanks, that's my weakness? Well, I can't control that, my darling little boy! And you can't let the things you can't control control you!

                          (There's another long pause.)

ALEX

I'll just be gone for eight weeks.

PETER

(composes himself)

Sounds good.

                     (pause)

And I'm sorry for that little outburst. I just ... it's just that I sometimes forget you already had a father before I came along.

                          ALEX

But I never even knew him.

                          PETER

I know. But you're his flesh and blood, not mine. You'll never be like me. And I can't change that.

                          ALEX

But you're my dad. I don't have your eyes, or your smile, or your short temper, but I do have everything you've taught me.

(Alex throws the ball back to Peter. They resume playing catch.)

                          PETER

Alex, there's nothing I can teach you that you don't already know. You're a kajillion times smarter than I'll ever be.

                          ALEX

                     (slight pause while he thinks)

But I wouldn't be this good at math if you hadn't asked me to calculate the stats from all those scouting reports during the off-season. 

                          PETER

I won a lot of bets in spring training because of those stats.

                          ALEX

You sure did.

(Peter walks over to Alex and puts his hand on the back of Alex’s head.)

                          PETER

Hey, here's a math problem for you, buddy -- if you add a little brother or sister to our family, how many family members will there be?

ALEX

                     (excitedly)

You're serious?

PETER

I've got to have somebody to take to Cubs games while you're gone. I can't just lay in bed with your mom for eight weeks!

(Blackout.)

stirring the pot

In January of last year I read that DVD sales of Monty Python's Flying Circus spiked 23,000 percent (!) once Python-approved clips of the show started appearing legally on YouTube. DVDs of the influential 1976-'84 sketch-comedy series SCTV, which are packaged and distributed by Shout! Factory, have reportedly never sold well, but if potential buyers could see sample sketches on YouTube, especially clips from 1981 to '83, when SCTV was firing on all cylinders as part of NBC's late-night lineup, I bet they'd consider spending $50 on a five-disc set.

I e-mailed Second City executive vice president Kelly Leonard, who spoke with CEO Andrew Alexander, one of SCTV's original executive producers, but his reply seemed to indicate that several different companies have rights to the show's footage, thereby creating a lot of red tape to sift through. However, a few months later I noticed that SCTV clips were appearing on YouTube that weren't immediately being taken down through cease-and-desist orders.

The clips that are up on YouTube aren't coming from Second City or Shout! Factory, but it's possible the companies decided to relax their policy on the unauthorized posting of their copyrighted material.

Am I to thank for that? Yes. Yes, I am. But there was a price to pay.

One of the few SCTV-related clips I could find on YouTube in January of '09 was made by a 13-year-old boy doing impressions of his favorite characters from the show, including station owner Guy Caballero (played by Joe Flaherty) and station manager Edith Prickley (Andrea Martin), in costume. I first saw SCTV when I was around that age, so I loved watching this middle schooler's take on the characters. It reminded me how much I adored the show when it aired on Nick at Nite in the summer of '89. And if this teenager gets the humor, which didn't rely that much on topical references aside from popular TV shows and celebrities of the late '70s and early '80s, it seems obvious to me that others would, too.

Sadly, when I went back to YouTube this morning to watch his video again, I found the following message instead: "This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by The Second City." Well, what about all those clips from SCTV that are now available on YouTube (remember—all because of me, and you're welcome)? There isn't any copyright claim on those? The 13-year-old fan got screwed because his video wasn't helping to sell DVDs?

In that case, I'm sorry I got involved. You can still thank me, of course, and send me money through PayPal as a sign of gratitude, but my mission was never to hurt the little guy. I feel like a morally indignant Bill Needle right now, but what I see in the mirror is a greedy Johnny LaRue.