Tuesday, December 30, 2008

the meaning of "platonic"

United Feature Syndicate's Mr. Know-It-All was recently asked the following question:

I'm a male and have been involved in several platonic relationships. What does the word "platonic" mean?

In case you hadn't noticed, it means you ain't gettin' any.

Friday, December 12, 2008

a crying shame

If Illinois' first lady, Patti Blagojevich, cries on camera to Barbara Walters or someone of that sort and apologizes for using salty language to express her feelings about the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago Tribune, then I hope a newspaper headline the next day uses my favorite riff on her maiden name: "Patti Melts."

I saw an ad on TV last night for AmeriCash Loans, which used fake newspaper headlines to illustrate all the bad news about the economy that people have been receiving lately. It didn't point out, of course, that newspapers are suffering right along with banks, real estate companies, the auto industry, etc. Newspaper headlines are still the norm for quickly conveying information in ads like the one for AmeriCash Loans.

Even in last Sunday's Simpsons episode, when Homer had a vision of the future in which honey didn't exist, he was alerted by a "Honey Famine Continues" headline on the front page of a Springfield Shopper lying on the ground. This future also included a WALL-E robot that scavenged for valuables such as a bear-shaped honey dispenser. Thanks, Homer, for imagining a postapocalyptic future that has room for robots and newspapers, but a lot of people would place bets on robots—and political corruption, which will never go out of style—being more commonplace than printed news 100 years from now.

Monday, December 8, 2008

a photo on Wikipedia that needs a caption

After struggling in vain to remove a wind instrument from his lips, smooth-jazz superstar Dave Koz implores soul singer and 2008 Black Yul Brynner Lookalike Contest winner James Ingram to not turn around and answer fans' questions about the status of his tailored suit.

Friday, December 5, 2008

recent sighting

A few minutes ago I was walking behind a man outside the Reader's office who had some sort of doll still in its packaging in his left hand. In his right hand was a glass of white wine. I'm going to guess that he was disappointed in the door prize he received at his company's scaled-back holiday party this year, so he decided to take his glass of wine with him. (Cash bar only this year, staffers. Sorry, but we are in a recession.)