Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Where do broken tweets go?

When Twitter permanently suspended President Trump's account on Friday, January 8, many people's "quote tweets," including mine, were suddenly devoid of context. 

There are no words for such a tragedy.

But thanks to the Trump Twitter Archive, context has been restored, allowing me to waste precious hours of my life transferring roughly six dozen of the soon-to-be-ex-president's tweets, and my responses to those tweets, to this blog. 

Let the record show that no one will ever request access to this record. Nevertheless ...

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Nov 15, 2016 · 9:55 PM EST
Very organized process taking place as I decide on Cabinet and many other positions. I am the only one who knows who the finalists are!

Nov 16, 2016 · 11:30 AM CST
"Finalists" — so exciting! Can't wait for the series premiere of "The Celebrity Apprentice: Long National Nightmare Edition."

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Nov 27, 2016 · 7:31 PM EST
Serious voter fraud in Virginia, New Hampshire and California - so why isn't the media reporting on this? Serious bias - big problem!


Dec 2, 2016 · 3:43 PM CST
The president-elect is actually Barron Trump, who said, “I wish I was big,” to a Zoltar machine on 6/15/15. (Fact-free tweets are fun!)

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Dec 9, 2016 · 2:42 PM EST
Join me live in Louisiana! Tomorrow, we need you to go to the polls & send John Kennedy to the U.S. Senate. https://t.co/O0jtz0BKeL

Dec 9, 2016 · 10:15 PM CST
Did Trump go back in time and brainwash JFK, then bring him forward in time? I still don't trust the president-elect, but I am impressed.

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Dec 28, 2016 · 9:07 AM EST
Doing my best to disregard the many inflammatory President O statements and roadblocks.Thought it was going to be a smooth transition - NOT!


Dec 29, 2016 · 4:22 PM CST
Yeah, at this point I don't think "President O" really cares if he gets that security deposit back, sir.

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Jan 9, 2017 · 6:27 AM EST
Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn't know me but attacked last night at the Golden Globes. She is a.....


Jan 9, 2017 · 10:54 AM CST
How about we start referring to all of President-elect Trump's angry tweets as "postcards from the edge"?

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Jan 10, 2017 · 8:19 PM EST
FAKE NEWS - A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!


Jan 11, 2017 · 9:41 PM CST
My god, he's right!


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Jan 11, 2017 · 7:48 AM EST
Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to "leak" into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?


Jan 11, 2017 · 10:49 AM CST
No, we're not living in Nazi Germany. But Fascist Italy? Well ...


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Jan 13, 2017 · 5:49 AM EST
All of my Cabinet nominee are looking good and doing a great job. I want them to be themselves and express their own thoughts, not mine!


Jan 13, 2017 · 10:11 AM CST
I'm surprised he didn't add, "Have fun out there, you guys!"

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Jan 14, 2017 · 8:07 AM EST
mention crime infested) rather than falsely complaining about the election results. All talk, talk, talk - no action or results. Sad!


Jan 14, 2017 · 7:01 PM CST
For a second there I thought Trump was being self-critical. Silly me! And now back to all trash-talk, all the time ...

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Jan 15, 2017 · 2:00 PM EST
For many years our country has been divided, angry and untrusting. Many say it will never change, the hatred is too deep. IT WILL CHANGE!!!!


Jan 15, 2017 · 10:29 PM CST
That sounds nice, but your watering can is filled with gasoline, sir, which is a problem.

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Jan 16, 2017 · 8:54 AM EST
Celebrate Martin Luther King Day and all of the many wonderful things that he stood for. Honor him for being the great man that he was!


Jan 16, 2017 · 9:05 AM CST
“P.S. I don't read books, but I've heard King's 'Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community?' is super. (Spoiler alert: the answer's A.)"

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Jan 17, 2017 · 8:05 AM EST
People are pouring into Washington in record numbers. Bikers for Trump are on their way. It will be a great Thursday, Friday and Saturday!


Jan 17, 2017 · 10:02 AM CST
Good to know that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have finally made the switch to motorcycles. Progress!

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Jan 22, 2017 · 9:23 AM EST
Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don't always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views.


Jan 22, 2017 · 11:02 AM CST
The Russian or the 14-year-old or the "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds" who wrote that tweet would be a good president.

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Jan 29, 2017 · 4:49 PM EST
...Senators should focus their energies on ISIS, illegal immigration and border security instead of always looking to start World War III.


Jan 30, 2017 · 9:22 AM CST
Merriam-Webster defines projection as "the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects."

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Jan 31, 2017 · 6:21 AM EST
Nancy Pelosi and Fake Tears Chuck Schumer held a rally at the steps of The Supreme Court and mic did not work (a mess)-just like Dem party!


Jan 31, 2017 · 10:29 AM CST
You claimed your mic didn't work at the first debate, yet you still won the election. I'm feeling good about the midterms now. Thanks, sir!

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Feb 2, 2017 · 6:13 AM EST
If U.C. Berkeley does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view - NO FEDERAL FUNDS?


Feb 2, 2017 · 1:07 PM CST
You misspelled "hate" as "free," Mr. President.

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Feb 2, 2017 · 6:18 AM EST
Congratulations to Rex Tillerson on being sworn in as our new Secretary of State. He will be a star!

Feb 2, 2017 · 9:27 AM CST
And you will be his Svengali!

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Feb 3, 2017 · 6:24 AM EST
Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger did a really bad job as Governor of California and even worse on the Apprentice...but at least he tried hard!


Feb 4, 2017 · 8:55 AM CST
"The Celebrity Apprentice," now hosted by Schwarzenegger, wouldn't exist if the original "Apprentice's" ratings hadn't fallen a decade ago.

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Feb 4, 2017 · 8:12 AM EST
The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!


Feb 4, 2017 · 1:36 PM CST
"When you're a star, they let you do it. Grab them by the p—y. You can do anything." Lady Justice isn't that kind of girl, sir.

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Feb 4, 2017 · 7:48 PM EST
The judge opens up our country to potential terrorists and others that do not have our best interests at heart. Bad people are very happy!


Feb 4, 2017 · 11:15 PM CST
We opened up our country to someone without our best interests at heart last November, and ever since many of us have been terrified.

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Feb 6, 2017 · 9:33 PM EST
The failing @nytimes was forced to apologize to its subscribers for the poor reporting it did on my election win. Now they are worse!


Feb 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM CST
The following encore grievance of "The Government Apprentice" originally aired 1/28. (It was aired again on 2/4. And now, yet again ...)

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Feb 10, 2017 · 8:35 AM EST
The failing @nytimes does major FAKE NEWS China story saying "Mr.Xi has not spoken to Mr. Trump since Nov.14." We spoke at length yesterday!


Feb 10, 2017 · 12:22 PM CST
If you want a broadsheet that can automatically update itself*, sir, read USA Today: http://bit.ly/2kuIR0D. (*Available starting in 2054.)



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Feb 13, 2017 · 9:57 PM EST
Congratulations Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin! #ICYMI- watch here: https://t.co/RPsmw4yD7y

Feb 13, 2017 · 10:47 PM CST
Love these congratulatory banners for your Cabinet picks! Are you available for children's birthday parties? No? What about Michael Flynn?

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Feb 15, 2017 · 7:19 AM EST
Information is being illegally given to the failing @nytimes & @washingtonpost by the intelligence community (NSA and FBI?).Just like Russia


Feb 15, 2017 · 12:52 PM CST
"And why is the failing @nytimes considered the world's greatest newspaper? Was there a vote? Did millions vote illegally? I want answers."

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Feb 15, 2017 · 6:59 PM EST
Venezuela should allow Leopoldo Lopez, a political prisoner & husband of @liliantintori (just met w/ @marcorubio) out of prison immediately.


Feb 16, 2017 · 7:14 AM CST
You and Vice President Pence look like you just apprehended Ms. Tintori. She's Venezuelan, not Mexican, guys. Calm down.

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Feb 16, 2017 · 9:39 AM EST
The Democrats had to come up with a story as to why they lost the election, and so badly (306), so they made up a story - RUSSIA. Fake news!


Feb 16, 2017 · 12:20 PM CST
To paraphrase Kevin Arnold in the pilot episode of "The Wonder Years": "I don't want to kiss Russia! I don't even like Russia!"

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Feb 17, 2017 · 6:15 PM EST
"One of the most effective press conferences I've ever seen!" says Rush Limbaugh. Many agree.Yet FAKE MEDIA calls it differently! Dishonest


Feb 18, 2017 · 3:03 PM CST
Do you and Rush ever have sleepovers and stay up all night debating which of you is the least racist, least anti-Semitic person you know?

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Feb 19, 2017 · 4:57 PM EST
My statement as to what's happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden.


Feb 20, 2017 · 11:15 AM CST
"Life is demanding without understanding ..." —Ace of Base, "The Sign" (1993)

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Feb 24, 2017 · 10:09 PM EST
FAKE NEWS media knowingly doesn't tell the truth. A great danger to our country. The failing @nytimes has become a joke. Likewise @CNN. Sad!


Feb 24, 2017 · 10:13 PM CST
Many years from now, when you're all grown up, you may regret some of the things you said as president of the United States of America.

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Feb 25, 2017 · 7:25 AM EST
Maybe the millions of people who voted to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN should have their own rally. It would be the biggest of them all!


Feb 25, 2017 · 8:10 PM CST
Technically, the Popular Vote Rally would have 2,868,519 more attendees, but I prefer rallies with lots of elbow room, so count me in!

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Feb 25, 2017 · 4:53 PM EST
I will not be attending the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner this year. Please wish everyone well and have a great evening!


Feb 25, 2017 · 8:41 PM CST
Did you tell Steve and Vladimir it's not on a school night? Handlers can be so unfair.

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Feb 26, 2017 · 6:33 AM EST
The race for DNC Chairman was, of course, totally "rigged." Bernie's guy, like Bernie himself, never had a chance. Clinton demanded Perez!


Feb 26, 2017 · 8:50 AM CST
If only Bernie's guy had had Russia on his side ...

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Mar 3, 2017 · 11:41 AM EST
Weekly Address Join me here: https://t.co/SEavQK5zy5


Mar 3, 2017 · 4:19 PM CST
You drew Steve Bannon's face on your thumb and forefinger so he'd always be close by, didn't you?

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Mar 3, 2017 · 3:48 PM EST
We must fix our education system for our kids to Make America Great Again. Wonderful day at Saint Andrew in Orlando.


Mar 3, 2017 · 4:53 PM CST
Earlier today you tweeted, "Nick Adams new book, Green Card Warrior, is a must read." Set an example for kids by fixing your punctuation.

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Mar 4, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST
How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!


Mar 4, 2017 · 7:00 AM CST
... said the guy who keeps a Nixon-style "enemies list": http://usat.ly/2fCJyls.

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Mar 6, 2017 · 6:49 PM EST
There is an incredible spirit of optimism sweeping the country right now—we're bringing back the JOBS!


Mar 6, 2017 · 9:40 PM CST
I agree! A new iPhone designed by a reanimated Steve Jobs would distract the country from your presidency for several minutes, "the Donald."

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Mar 13, 2017 · 8:52 AM EST
It is amazing how rude much of the media is to my very hard working representatives. Be nice, you will do much better!


Mar 13, 2017 · 2:40 PM CST
I certainly wouldn't be able to keep a straight face while parroting your lies to millions of viewers. Better you than me, Sean et al.!

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Mar 13, 2017 · 9:11 AM EST
ObamaCare is imploding. It is a disaster and 2017 will be the worst year yet, by far! Republicans will come together and save the day.


Mar 13, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST
"Save the day"? I know you think you're the Iron Man of the group, but with Bannon in the mix, you're just the Hulk minus a conscience.

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Mar 15, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST
Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @SnoopDogg, failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!


Mar 15, 2017 · 10:03 PM CST
If everything (e.g., Snoop, Schwarzenegger, non-right-wing newspapers and cable-news networks) is failing, is anything failing?

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Mar 15, 2017 · 7:29 AM EST
Looking forward to a big rally in Nashville, Tennessee, tonight. Big crowd of great people expected. Will be fun!


Mar 16, 2017 · 10:33 AM CST
You correctly placed a comma after the state's name in a sentence with a city-state combo? Respect, yo ... until this tweet ends, at least.

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Mar 20, 2017 · 6:49 AM EST
The Democrats made up and pushed the Russian story as an excuse for running a terrible campaign. Big advantage in Electoral College & lost!


Mar 20, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST
Is that chip on your shoulder a souvenir from one of your failed casinos?

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Mar 25, 2017 · 10:37 AM EST
ObamaCare will explode and we will all get together and piece together a great healthcare plan for THE PEOPLE. Do not worry!


Mar 25, 2017 · 1:30 PM CST
On March 7, 11, and 13 you tweeted that Obamacare was "imploding." Don't try to claim it's Opposite Day, because that was November 8.

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Mar 26, 2017 · 9:04 PM EST
General Kelly is doing a great job at the border. Numbers are way down. Many are not even trying to come in anymore.


Mar 27, 2017 · 5:25 PM CST
I haven't been drugged, raped, or killed by a Mexican even once since you took office, President Trump. Thank you!

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Apr 17, 2017 · 8:07 AM EST
"The first 90 days of my presidency has exposed the total failure of the last eight years of foreign policy!" So true. @foxandfriends


Apr 17, 2017 · 3:28 PM CST
Did President Trump just agree with one of his own quotes? "Sure looks like it." That's what I thought, @rwcass. #metamonday

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Apr 17, 2017 · 8:13 AM EST
A great book for your reading enjoyment: "REASONS TO VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS" by Michael J. Knowles.

Apr 17, 2017 · 3:18 PM CST
"I seriously doubt that Trump has ever read a book straight through in his adult life." —Tony Schwartz (http://bit.ly/29TM1s3)

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Apr 19, 2017 · 8:43 AM EST
Dems failed in Kansas and are now failing in Georgia. Great job Karen Handel! It is now Hollywood vs. Georgia on June 20th.


Apr 20, 2017 · 1:24 PM CST
Thanks for the update, Mr. Hollywood, but leave my home state alone.

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Apr 20, 2017 · 9:48 AM EST
Failing @nytimes, which has been calling me wrong for two years, just got caught in a big lie concerning New England Patriots visit to W.H.


Apr 20, 2017 · 1:27 PM CST
Bigger than the lie your good friend Bill O'Reilly was telling for 15 years? Doubtful.

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Apr 20, 2017 · 3:33 PM EST
We're going to use American steel, we're going to use American labor, we are going to come first in all deals.


Apr 21, 2017 · 11:38 PM CST
"Ask any of my wives, they'll you — I know everything there is to know about coming first."

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Apr 21, 2017 · 6:50 AM EST
No matter how much I accomplish during the ridiculous standard of the first 100 days, & it has been a lot (including S.C.), media will kill!


Apr 21, 2017 · 11:41 PM CST
If "it" really was "a lot," you wouldn't be pointing out the one major thing you've accomplished since January 21, you big baby.

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Apr 23, 2017 · 3:48 PM EST
New polls out today are very good considering that much of the media is FAKE and almost always negative. Would still beat Hillary in .....


Apr 24, 2017 · 11:06 PM CST
"Would still beat Hillary in popular vote." You misunderstand "still" as an adverb, making me wish I were the adjective: "free from noise." 

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Apr 24, 2017 · 1:11 PM EST
Join me in congratulating @NASA's @AstroPeggy by using the hashtag #CongratsPeggy! Earlier today:... https://t.co/AUdJgxXiT4


Apr 24, 2017 · 12:34 PM CST
She knew before the call that you're president now, right? If not, that's a rude "Planet of the Apes"-level prank to play on someone, sir.

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Apr 28, 2017 · 10:40 PM EST
.@LouDobbs just stated that "President Trump's successes are unmatched in recent presidential history" Thank you Lou!


May 5, 2017 · 11:30 AM CST
"recent presidential history" = January 21, 2017-present

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May 1, 2017 · 3:29 PM EST
This month we celebrate the contributions of Asian Americans & Pacific Islanders that enrich our Nation.


May 5, 2017 · 11:53 AM CST
"Next month we celebrate the end of the non-American Asian nation of North Korea. Remember, nothing lasts forever except the next 4 years."

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May 4, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST
The Fake News media is officially out of control. They will do or say anything in order to get attention - never been a time like this!


May 5, 2017 · 12:49 PM CST
The new season of "House of Cards" debuts later this month, but "Pot Is the New Kettle and Both Are Black" is available to stream right now.

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May 18, 2017 · 7:52 AM EST
This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!


May 18, 2017 · 1:51 PM CST
"Politicians are all talk and no action. It's true. All talk — it's all bullshit." —Donald J. Trump, 4/12/14 (http://cs.pn/2rjwA5B)

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May 28, 2017 · 8:45 AM EST
....it is very possible that those sources don't exist but are made up by fake news writers. #FakeNews is the enemy!


May 30, 2017 · 7:20 AM CST
"Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself" —headline on the Washington Post's website, 5/13/16

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May 31, 2017 · 6:09 AM EST
Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!


May 31, 2017 · 10:57 AM CST
I assumed you meant "coverage." I also assumed the Ambien kicked in quicker than usual.

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May 31, 2017 · 9:08 AM EST
I will be announcing my decision on the Paris Accord over the next few days. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!


May 31, 2017 · 11:19 AM CST
"Minus New York and California, of course, since they'll be underwater soon, but they didn't vote for me anyway, so f**k 'em."

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Jun 1, 2017 · 6:50 PM EST
My job as President is to do everything within my power to give America a level playing field. #AmericaFirst


Jun 2, 2017 · 10:30 AM CST
Of course you care about the environment — no U.S. president has been more full of fertilizer or more willing to spread it around the globe.

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Jun 5, 2017 · 9:49 AM EST
Pathetic excuse by London Mayor Sadiq Khan who had to think fast on his "no reason to be alarmed" statement. MSM is working hard to sell it!


Jun 5, 2017 · 9:25 AM CST
Sounds like someone is jealous of a leader who actually can think fast. For more on your thought process ... 



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Jun 30, 2017 · 8:55 AM EST
Watched low rated @Morning_Joe for first time in long time. FAKE NEWS. He called me to stop a National Enquirer article. I said no! Bad show


Jun 30, 2017 · 12:37 PM CST
Thanks to you, the show's already high ratings were even higher today. For an example of a low rating, click here: https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/trump-approval-ratings/….

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Aug 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM EST
Hard to believe that with 24/7 #Fake News on CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, NYTIMES & WAPO, the Trump base is getting stronger!


Aug 8, 2017 · 1:38 PM CST
Pretending to be two people by talking to yourself on Twitter (again) doesn't mean the "base" is expanding, sir.

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Aug 7, 2017 · 8:01 AM EST
...conquests, how brave he was, and it was all a lie. He cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness like a child. Now he judges collusion?


Aug 8, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST
For what it's worth, Mr. President, I judge your collusion to be sloppy but entertaining. (Thank you for finally 'fessing up, by the way.)

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Aug 8, 2017 · 7:11 AM EST
I will be holding a major briefing on the Opioid crisis, a major problem for our country, today at 3:00 P.M. in Bedminster, N.J.


Aug 8, 2017 · 2:03 PM CST
"FOX & FRIENDS also just said United Airlines murdered a dog, so I'll be holding a major briefing on that major problem too. #ruffstuff"

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Aug 17, 2017 · 2:45 PM EST
Study what General Pershing of the United States did to terrorists when caught. There was no more Radical Islamic Terror for 35 years!


Aug 18, 2017 · 12:31 PM CST
Fast-forward to 115 years from now: "Study what President Trump of the United States did. There was no more United States."

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Apr 13, 2018 · 8:01 AM EST
James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR. Virtually everyone in Washington thought he should be fired for the terrible job he did-until he was, in fact, fired. He leaked CLASSIFIED information, for which he should be prosecuted. He lied to Congress under OATH. He is a weak and.....


Apr 13, 2018 · 1:45 PM CST
Weren't those Russian prostitutes proven leakers five years ago? I don't see you condemning them. (If they told you, "Camera add 20 pounds to your manly physique, Mr. 'Apprentice,'" then they're proven liars too.)

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Jun 26, 2018 · 8:17 AM EST
A Harley-Davidson should never be built in another country-never! Their employees and customers are already very angry at them. If they move, watch, it will be the beginning of the end - they surrendered, they quit! The Aura will be gone and they will be taxed like never before!


Jun 26, 2018 · 12:53 PM CST
This 1984 Serge Gainsbourg song is probably the closest you're going to get to agreeing with the French on something: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc6tt9vkHEY.



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Jun 26, 2018 · 10:40 AM EST
SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS TRUMP TRAVEL BAN. Wow!


Jun 26, 2018 · 1:09 PM CST
DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Wow! Sigh. Uggghhh ...

Monday, September 28, 2020

adult children who should neither be seen nor heard


Any first graders out there who know the difference between "then" and "than"? If you do, then you're one step ahead of Donald Trump Jr. 

Do you also know that there's only one president of the United States? I'm not sure Trump II: The Revenge does—his mention of "a president of the United States" makes me worry about his comprehension of basic facts. (Which means he's a chip off the old block, of course.)

And do you know that DJT2: SOB has accused his father's competition for (the) president, former Vice President Joe Biden, of being a pedophile? Yet here he is on Twitter, casually mentioning that he knows first graders.

As children tend to say, he who smelt it dealt it.

(One of Trump Jr.'s daughters is currently in first grade, I believe. If she's running for class president, I guess it's sweet that daddy dearest is offering her free campaign advice, but did she ever think to ask if Karl Rove is available?)

Thursday, July 18, 2019

I'm semi-ashamed of my museum shaming.

"[Ronald Shusett] originally conceived [Total Recall], which is based on Philip K. Dick's short story, 'We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,' a year before writing Alien with Dan O'Bannon. It was a script so powerful that it became legendary, so ambitious it was for years considered unfilmable. Yet it was nearly shot several times, with Patrick Swayze, Christopher Reeve, even with Arnold Schwarzenegger under Dino De Laurentiis. Powerhouse directors like David Cronenbrerg and Bruce Beresford have come and gone, each leaving their imprint on the script's development."

—Will Murray, "Postcards from Mars,"
Starlog magazine, May 1990

It turns out that the Art Institute of Chicago placard that stated that Gretchen Bender's 1987 work is "named after the Paul Verhoeven film" isn't inaccurate, but it's still confusing, because Verhoeven wasn't hired to direct Total Recall until the year after Bender's work premiered ("named before the Paul Verhoeven film" would probably have only made things more confusing). According to Art in America magazine, "Bender's work was completed and made public before the director's 1990 Hollywood blockbuster, which the artist read production notices about in movie industry trade papers and from which she cribbed the title."

However, from what I found online, Bruce Beresford was attached to direct Total Recall throughout 1987, but producer Dino De Laurentiis's financing kept falling through. (Beresford then directed Her Alibi and Driving Miss Daisy, both released in '89, in quick succession.) David Cronenberg took the job after Beresford quit, but he soon bowed out as well, and then Arnold Schwarzenegger, who first read the film's script while making Commando (1985), convinced Verhoeven to do it.

Want to be more confused? Allow Red Bull Arts to pour you its version of the story: 

"Although her work debuted three years ahead of the movie’s release, Bender's title comes from the Paul Verhoeven film Total Recall (1984), which is based on the Philip K. Dick short story 'We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.'"

So, if you want to forget how time and math work and subtract three years instead of adding three, drink Red Bull.

Remembering things, wholesale or otherwise, can be a tricky business.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

museum shaming

I'm no artist, but I do know that "18 NOV 08" doesn't equal "About 2010." You've officially been museum shamed, Art Institute of Chicago placard makers! (And Gregg Bordowitz's first name is spelled with three Gs, so you've officially been friend and/or colleague shamed, Jack Whitten!)


To the Art Institute's credit, I've only noticed one other factual error on a placard in the 16 years that I've lived in Chicago: last August I viewed a 1987 multimedia installation of Gretchen Bender's titled Total Recall, which, according to its placard, is "named after the Paul Verhoeven film." If that were true Bender would be a time traveler, because Verhoeven's film, based on a short story by science fiction writer Philip K. Dick, came out in 1990.

Monday, April 29, 2019

"We're not actors, mister! I assume you've heard of the Avengers priority card?"

Disney bought Marvel Studios ten years ago, putting it in charge of the big-screen adventures of Iron Man and his fellow Avengers. Disney's acquisition of the film and TV assets of 21st Century Fox was finalized last month, meaning it's also now in charge of Marvel characters whose big-screen rights were previously owned by Fox, including the Thing and the rest of his supergroup, the Fantastic Four.

Comcast, which owns Universal Pictures, the studio behind the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World movies, attempted to outbid Disney for Fox's assets last year. One day soon Disney may be rich enough to swallow Comcast whole, and if that happens don't be surprised if the March 1983 issue of Marvel Two-in-One makes a synergistic leap from the page to the screen.


Thursday, March 28, 2019

Play ball! (Or just read about an animated, scripted version of it.)

The following is (most of) an excerpt from longtime Simpsons writer Mike Reiss's book, Springfield Confidential, a Christmas gift from my dad, about the show's 1992 episode "Homer at the Bat":

Everyone on staff loved sports ... except me. But I served a purpose—I represented everyone's wives and mothers in the audience. I'd be the lone voice saying, "Will everyone get this joke about Mordecai 'Three Finger' Brown?" Yes, I was the Staff Girl.

... We cast nine real-life baseball players (only Rickey Henderson and Ryne Sandberg turned us down), and [Simpsons writer John] Swartzwelder created quick, crazy stories for each of them:

* Ozzie Smith visits the Springfield Mystery Spot and plunges into a bottomless pit.
* Roger Clemens gets hypnotized and thinks he's a chicken.
* Wade Boggs gets into a fistfight over who was a better British prime minister, Lord Palmerston or Pitt the Elder.
* Ken Griffey Jr. overdoses on nerve tonic and gets gigantism. (Is that even a thing?)
* José Canseco does something nice for someone. (This one really stretched credibility.)

... It was a very different Simpsons episode, including the fact that the Simpsons are barely in it. Here, the guest stars were running the asylum.

Needless to say, our cast didn't like the show. Our table reading of the script bombed utterly. Two of our actors complained about the script, the only time this has ever happened.

The baseball players were much easier to deal with. Don Mattingly had the only gripe: his character makes his first appearance wearing an apron and washing dishes. "Do I have to do this?" he moaned.

"I'm sorry, it's in the script, it can't be changed," [Reiss’s then co-head writer] Al Jean lied.

"Okay," Mattingly grumbled.

The players were surprisingly good actors. Mike Scioscia could be a real professional; in voice acting, you never know who's going to have the gift.

... And then there was Ken Griffey Jr. He got angry because he didn't understand his line "There's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited." (If he had understood it, he'd have been really angry.) Adding to the pressure, his father, Ken Griffey Sr., was there trying to coach him through the line, and it wasn't helping.

The room was going to implode, so that's when they called in me, the Staff Girl. Since I didn't really know who Griffey was, they figured I wouldn't be intimidated by him. Al shoved me into the tiny recording booth. This instantly became my new worst fear: to be locked in a small glass booth with a large angry man; and I couldn't get out until I made him say a vaguely homoerotic line.

It took a few takes, but we got the line. Decades later, Griffey appeared in a mockumentary about the episode—he's become a much better actor.

Despite the misgivings of the cast, "Homer at the Bat" was a huge hit. It was the first time we beat our competition, The Cosby Show. We beat Cosby several more times after that; within two years his show was off the air. [Actually, The Cosby Show went off the air two months later, having lasted eight seasons. Check your stats, Reiss! —me]

... The episode is still remembered fondly. In May 2017, Homer was inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Wade Boggs, Steve Sax, and Ozzie Smith showed up at the ceremony. Smith said the number one question he gets asked is "How did you escape the Springfield Mystery Spot?" Boggs said he still sticks up for the Pitt the Elder.


Saturday, February 9, 2019

Randy Newman channeling Albert Brooks

Newman's performance of "My Life Is Good," from his 1983 album, Trouble in Paradise, reminds me of Brooks at his most comically excited and/or desperate in his movies as (co)writer-director-star, especially 1985's Lost in America. It wouldn't surprise me if they're old friends, but I have no idea. (Messrs. Newman and Brooks, if you're reading this, please confirm or deny the existence and/or length of your friendship by leaving a comment.)