I noticed recently that someone I briefly knew 20 years ago calls himself an "Emmy-winning writer" on his website. But his Emmy—a local Emmy, from what I can tell—is for a children's TV show produced somewhere in the midwest.
That's why I now demand that everyone refer to me as an Ermy-winning writer.
What's an Ermy, you ask?
Whoopee Goldbird, yet another illustrious EGOD winner
An award you don't have, obviously.
I'm actually an EGOD winner: Ermy, Granny, Ozkar, and Dony. Yep, just me, Mike Nickels, Marvin Hamlet, Audrey Heartburn, Pat Morita Moreno, and a few awe-inspiring others.
When Twitter permanently suspended President Trump's account on Friday, January 8, many people's "quote tweets," including mine, were suddenly devoid of context.
There are no words for such a tragedy.
But thanks to the Trump Twitter Archive, context has been restored, allowing me to waste precious hours of my life transferring roughly six dozen of the soon-to-be-ex-president's tweets, and my responses to those tweets, to this blog.
Let the record show that no one will ever request access to this record. Nevertheless ...
Nov 15, 2016 · 9:55 PM EST Very organized process taking place as I decide on Cabinet and many other positions. I am the only one who knows who the finalists are!
Nov 16, 2016 · 11:30 AM CST "Finalists" — so exciting! Can't wait for the series premiere of "The Celebrity Apprentice: Long National Nightmare Edition."
Nov 27, 2016 · 7:31 PM EST Serious voter fraud in Virginia, New Hampshire and California - so why isn't the media reporting on this? Serious bias - big problem!
Dec 2, 2016 · 3:43 PM CST The president-elect is actually Barron Trump, who said, “I wish I was big,” to a Zoltar machine on 6/15/15. (Fact-free tweets are fun!)
Dec 9, 2016 · 2:42 PM EST Join me live in Louisiana! Tomorrow, we need you to go to the polls & send John Kennedy to the U.S. Senate. https://t.co/O0jtz0BKeL
Dec 9, 2016 · 10:15 PM CST Did Trump go back in time and brainwash JFK, then bring him forward in time? I still don't trust the president-elect, but I am impressed.
Dec 28, 2016 · 9:07 AM EST Doing my best to disregard the many inflammatory President O statements and roadblocks.Thought it was going to be a smooth transition - NOT!
Dec 29, 2016 · 4:22 PM CST Yeah, at this point I don't think "President O" really cares if he gets that security deposit back, sir.
Jan 10, 2017 · 8:19 PM EST FAKE NEWS - A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!
Jan 11, 2017 · 9:41 PM CST My god, he's right!
Jan 11, 2017 · 7:48 AM EST Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to "leak" into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?
Jan 11, 2017 · 10:49 AM CST No, we're not living in Nazi Germany. But Fascist Italy? Well ...
Jan 13, 2017 · 5:49 AM EST All of my Cabinet nominee are looking good and doing a great job. I want them to be themselves and express their own thoughts, not mine!
Jan 13, 2017 · 10:11 AM CST I'm surprised he didn't add, "Have fun out there, you guys!"
Jan 14, 2017 · 8:07 AM EST mention crime infested) rather than falsely complaining about the election results. All talk, talk, talk - no action or results. Sad!
Jan 14, 2017 · 7:01 PM CST For a second there I thought Trump was being self-critical. Silly me! And now back to all trash-talk, all the time ...
Jan 15, 2017 · 2:00 PM EST For many years our country has been divided, angry and untrusting. Many say it will never change, the hatred is too deep. IT WILL CHANGE!!!!
Jan 15, 2017 · 10:29 PM CST That sounds nice, but your watering can is filled with gasoline, sir, which is a problem.
Jan 16, 2017 · 8:54 AM EST Celebrate Martin Luther King Day and all of the many wonderful things that he stood for. Honor him for being the great man that he was!
Jan 16, 2017 · 9:05 AM CST “P.S. I don't read books, but I've heard King's 'Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community?' is super. (Spoiler alert: the answer's A.)"
Jan 17, 2017 · 8:05 AM EST People are pouring into Washington in record numbers. Bikers for Trump are on their way. It will be a great Thursday, Friday and Saturday!
Jan 17, 2017 · 10:02 AM CST Good to know that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have finally made the switch to motorcycles. Progress!
Jan 22, 2017 · 9:23 AM EST Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don't always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views.
Jan 22, 2017 · 11:02 AM CST The Russian or the 14-year-old or the "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds" who wrote that tweet would be a good president.
Jan 29, 2017 · 4:49 PM EST ...Senators should focus their energies on ISIS, illegal immigration and border security instead of always looking to start World War III.
Jan 30, 2017 · 9:22 AM CST Merriam-Webster defines projection as "the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects."
Jan 31, 2017 · 6:21 AM EST Nancy Pelosi and Fake Tears Chuck Schumer held a rally at the steps of The Supreme Court and mic did not work (a mess)-just like Dem party!
Jan 31, 2017 · 10:29 AM CST You claimed your mic didn't work at the first debate, yet you still won the election. I'm feeling good about the midterms now. Thanks, sir!
Feb 2, 2017 · 6:13 AM EST If U.C. Berkeley does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view - NO FEDERAL FUNDS?
Feb 2, 2017 · 1:07 PM CST You misspelled "hate" as "free," Mr. President.
Feb 2, 2017 · 6:18 AM EST Congratulations to Rex Tillerson on being sworn in as our new Secretary of State. He will be a star!
Feb 2, 2017 · 9:27 AM CST And you will be his Svengali!
Feb 3, 2017 · 6:24 AM EST Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger did a really bad job as Governor of California and even worse on the Apprentice...but at least he tried hard!
Feb 4, 2017 · 8:55 AM CST "The Celebrity Apprentice," now hosted by Schwarzenegger, wouldn't exist if the original "Apprentice's" ratings hadn't fallen a decade ago.
Feb 4, 2017 · 8:12 AM EST The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!
Feb 4, 2017 · 1:36 PM CST "When you're a star, they let you do it. Grab them by the p—y. You can do anything." Lady Justice isn't that kind of girl, sir.
Feb 4, 2017 · 7:48 PM EST The judge opens up our country to potential terrorists and others that do not have our best interests at heart. Bad people are very happy!
Feb 4, 2017 · 11:15 PM CST We opened up our country to someone without our best interests at heart last November, and ever since many of us have been terrified.
Feb 6, 2017 · 9:33 PM EST The failing @nytimes was forced to apologize to its subscribers for the poor reporting it did on my election win. Now they are worse!
Feb 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM CST The following encore grievance of "The Government Apprentice" originally aired 1/28. (It was aired again on 2/4. And now, yet again ...)
Feb 10, 2017 · 8:35 AM EST The failing @nytimes does major FAKE NEWS China story saying "Mr.Xi has not spoken to Mr. Trump since Nov.14." We spoke at length yesterday!
Feb 10, 2017 · 12:22 PM CST If you want a broadsheet that can automatically update itself*, sir, read USA Today: http://bit.ly/2kuIR0D. (*Available starting in 2054.)
Aug 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM EST Hard to believe that with 24/7 #Fake News on CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, NYTIMES & WAPO, the Trump base is getting stronger!
Aug 8, 2017 · 1:38 PM CST Pretending to be two people by talking to yourself on Twitter (again) doesn't mean the "base" is expanding, sir.
Aug 7, 2017 · 8:01 AM EST ...conquests, how brave he was, and it was all a lie. He cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness like a child. Now he judges collusion?
Aug 8, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST For what it's worth, Mr. President, I judge your collusion to be sloppy but entertaining. (Thank you for finally 'fessing up, by the way.)
Aug 8, 2017 · 7:11 AM EST I will be holding a major briefing on the Opioid crisis, a major problem for our country, today at 3:00 P.M. in Bedminster, N.J.
Aug 8, 2017 · 2:03 PM CST "FOX & FRIENDS also just said United Airlines murdered a dog, so I'll be holding a major briefing on that major problem too. #ruffstuff"
Aug 17, 2017 · 2:45 PM EST Study what General Pershing of the United States did to terrorists when caught. There was no more Radical Islamic Terror for 35 years!
Aug 18, 2017 · 12:31 PM CST Fast-forward to 115 years from now: "Study what President Trump of the United States did. There was no more United States."
Apr 13, 2018 · 8:01 AM EST James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR. Virtually everyone in Washington thought he should be fired for the terrible job he did-until he was, in fact, fired. He leaked CLASSIFIED information, for which he should be prosecuted. He lied to Congress under OATH. He is a weak and.....
Apr 13, 2018 · 1:45 PM CST Weren't those Russian prostitutes proven leakers five years ago? I don't see you condemning them. (If they told you, "Camera add 20 pounds to your manly physique, Mr. 'Apprentice,'" then they're proven liars too.)
Jun 26, 2018 · 8:17 AM EST A Harley-Davidson should never be built in another country-never! Their employees and customers are already very angry at them. If they move, watch, it will be the beginning of the end - they surrendered, they quit! The Aura will be gone and they will be taxed like never before!
Jun 26, 2018 · 12:53 PM CST This 1984 Serge Gainsbourg song is probably the closest you're going to get to agreeing with the French on something: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc6tt9vkHEY.
Jun 26, 2018 · 10:40 AM EST SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS TRUMP TRAVEL BAN. Wow!
Jun 26, 2018 · 1:09 PM CST DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Wow! Sigh. Uggghhh ...
Any first graders out there who know the difference between "then" and "than"? If you do, then you're one step ahead of Donald Trump Jr.
Do you also know that there's only one president of the United States? I'm not sure Trump II: The Revenge does—his mention of "a president of the United States" makes me worry about his comprehension of basic facts. (Which means he's a chip off the old block, of course.)
As children tend to say, he who smelt it dealt it.
(One of Trump Jr.'s daughters is currently in first grade, I believe. If she's running for class president, I guess it's sweet that daddy dearest is offering her free campaign advice, but did she ever think to ask if Karl Rove is available?)
One of my favorite movie moments arrives in the first act of Sydney Pollack's Three Days of the Condor, when Max von Sydow's assassin, Joubert, is leading the massacre of Joe Turner's (Robert Redford) CIA colleagues. The last one still standing, Janice (Tina Chen), is asked, gently, by Joubert to move away from the windows.
"I won't scream," she says.
"I know," he replies, and von Sydow delivers the line in an almost paternal way. Nothing personal—just business.
Joubert is one of the most memorable "bad guys" in any movie I've seen, and although Pollack's go-to script doctor, David Rayfiel, gives him some great dialogue, von Sydow is the reason why Joubert becomes the most three-dimensional character in the film. He steals Three Days of the Condor from his top-billed costars in the most gentlemanly fashion possible.
To promote her new memoir, Inside Out, Demi Moore sat down with Diane Sawyer in an interview that will roll out in multiple parts this week on ABC's Good Morning America. During Tuesday's second installment, Moore, 56, opened up about her split from ex-husband Ashton Kutcher, 41, which she described as "devastating."
Among other revelations, the actress shared that she discovered Kutcher was "caught cheating" from a Google Alert on her cellphone. San Diego-based administrative assistant Sara Leal shared intimate details of her interactions with Kutcher, which took place in 2011 during the actor's marriage to Moore, in an interview with Us Weekly. (Kutcher and Moore wed in 2005 and finalized their divorce in 2013.)
Moore told Sawyer that she immediately called Kutcher and "asked if it was true." Moore went on to say that Kutcher "admitted it right away." She recounted, "And I think my response was, 'Are you fucking kidding me?' That was it. And I think I could barely take a breath" ...
Published on January 16, 2011, in the Chicago Sun-Times:
Demi Moore is a string that's most definitely attached. She is the one on her husband Ashton Kutcher's mind when he does a sex scene in a movie ...
"You know, I really think that whomever you're with as a partner does need to be your friend, too," Kutcher says. "All the really successful, happy relationships I know of feature two people who are together as friends, too. I don't know if sex always has to have feelings, but friendship always does. If you're friends, you will have feelings of some sort" ...
"There is so much that's not said about sex in our country," he says. "I do a lot of work on human trafficking. I connect with girls who end up in this trade partially because of lack of education about sex" ...
Kutcher says that there is no issue with his actress wife when it comes to onscreen romance with others.
"We're artists, so we understand," he says.
But when it comes to offscreen romance with others, Moore should've realized that sex doesn't always have to have feelings, and neither do husbands, who may be reserving all of their feelings for girls they connect with who need to be educated about sex.
Do 22-year-old administrative assistants count, even if you have sex with them on the sixth anniversary of your wedding to Demi Moore (according to the administrative assistant in question, who, unfortunately for Kutcher, didn't leave much unsaid about sex when speaking to Us Weekly)? Sara Leal is a human, after all, who probably had to fight San Diego traffic on occasion in order to get to work on time.
The syndicated Sun-Times puff piece quoted above centered on No Strings Attached, a romantic comedy pairing Kutcher and Natalie Portman as friends with benefits. It debuted in theaters six months before Friends With Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and eight months before Kutcher demonstrated how much he valued his friendship with his wife by immediately confessing that he'd connected with a human who's sat in traffic.
No Strings Attached earned $70 million at the domestic box office, about $15 million more than Friends With Benefits, but the latter won the international race in a photo finish with a total of $149.5 million, about $300,000 more than the former. And Kutcher began dating Kunis, his former That '70s Show costar, the following year — they got married in 2015 — because listening to non-celebrity humans complain about traffic gets old real fast.
That's one benefit you should give exclusively to friends.