Friday, February 15, 2013
—Larry the Cable Guy, in a 2011 interview with Will Harris
If Bill Hicks were alive today, he'd probably have been appearing in mediocre comedy films for the past decade or so, he'd have hosted a mediocre talk show for Comedy Central or another cable network, he'd have been making guest appearances on mediocre sitcoms, and, God forbid, he might've even done some sort of minor endorsement for a mediocre product, thereby taking his own name off "the artistic roll call." (And I say this as someone who owns all of Hicks's stand-up comedy albums.)
To paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy in the aforementioned interview, Hicks would've had to make a living, much like how David Cross, who isn't a fan of Larry the Cable Guy, cashes checks from his supporting role in the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. If interviewed by a proud comedy nerd and reminded of his once rebellious stance and negative attitude toward TV, Hicks would, I hope, be honest and say, "I was an angry young man then, and now I'm an angry middle-aged man who eventually decided he didn't want to play to drunks every night at the Comedy Pouch for the rest of his life." He may have even called up his old hero and mentor, Jay Leno, and said, "Sorry about that Tonight Show bit back in '92. That was a little harsh."
Chris Elliott's hit-and-miss resumé after Get a Life ended in 1992. Would Bill Hicks have ended up hosting Fear Factor instead of Hicks acolyte Joe Rogan? You never know.