SPOILER ALERT: I'm a terrible movie critic.

"12 Years a Slave is two hours of ecstasy!" says Robert Cass of WhoU.com.

"I mean, not that slavery is anything to be ecstatic about. That's not what I'm saying, so please don't think that. Look, for what it's worth, some of my best friends are slaves— I mean, black! Jesus Christ, did I really just say 'slaves' instead of 'blacks'? Goddammit, I meant to say 'black people' just then, not 'blacks'! I'm ... whew, deep breath ... Sorry, everybody. And sorry about taking the Lord's name in vain there. That wasn't cool either. Okay, let me start over: '12 Years a Slave' is two hours of—"

USER ERROR: MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF SPACE FOR HACK-CRITIC ADVERTISING BLURB EXCEEDED BY, LIKE, A CRAZY HUGE AMOUNT. SERIOUSLY, DUDE.

"You know what, I'll just pick a different movie. How about 'Gravity is out of this world! Until the final scene, that is, which takes place on Earth.'

"What, you consider that a 'spoiler'? If I'd told you that George Clooney dies halfway through the movie, that would be a spoiler, but I didn't, so ...

"Oh, I guess I did.

"Maybe I should've been a pharmeutical rep instead."