Good morning, excessive heat warning.

Last August I started watching the first 20 minutes of Good Morning America every weekday before heading off to work. I like catching up with the previous day's news (I never said anything remotely like that even when I was working at CNN almost 20 years ago), and I like seeing meteorologist Ginger Zee. She obviously knows her stuff, which is one reason why I have a crush on her, but she also happens to be very attractive.

I'm sorry for objectifying you, Mrs. Zee, but I promise to never send you a creepy fan letter or tag you inappropriately on Instagram. Your "excessive heat warning" is on my radar, however, as it was on yours yesterday morning:

A few weeks earlier, on May 11, you said, "It is very elongated in some areas," describing severe weather that formed in the scrotum of Texas and Oklahoma before climaxing in North Carolina. Or at least that's how it looked to me, a recovering adolescent, on your weather map:

I also seem to recall you referring to midwestern homes pelted with hail that "took a pounding in the backyard," but maybe I overslept one morning and dreamed that particular weather report. If I did, it wasn't "the wettest on record," to quote you once again, with "up to six-plus inches possible" (like you, I believe in science, not fiction, no matter how detrimental it might be to my ego), but if my crush could be represented on your high-tech ABC weather map, there's a 100 percent chance it would be a blushing bright red.