Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Stop monkeying around, media muckrakers!

I get so tired of the media and its liberal bias, especially when that bias extends into the area of anti-simian discrimination. The photo on the right was used alongside a real news story last week to undermine our president, but what's wrong with a commander in chief who resembles a chimpanzee? Those who drag their knuckles along the ground are closer to the earth and therefore better equipped to address the concerns of the common man, such as the current Central American banana crisis. Who will supply us with our bananas in these troubled times? We have no bananas!

But we mustn't panic. Instead we must put our trust in the banana Republican who leads our country. He may be a lame duck, but ... wait, he can't be both a chimp and a duck. And if he drags his knuckles on the ground, doesn't that make him a gorilla, not a chimp? Or do apes drag their knuckles, not gorillas? And do all simians eat bananas, or am I totally stereotyping them? I bet one of those smart gorillas who knows sign language could settle this once and for all. And if none of them are available, I'm sure someone could travel forward in time and ask Dr. Zaius. But we shouldn't send some liberal, monkey-hating clown like Al Franken. He'll sarcastically call Dr. Zaius a "damn dirty ape," the good doctor won't get the reference, and then we'll never get the answers we need.

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