Walter Matthau

I wonder if Walter Matthau had bad breath. Not just in his later years, but in general. I bet Jack Lemmon's breath never smelled bad, but Matthau ... I'm not so sure.

Hooray! The Surreal Life is back on VH1! Sherman Hemsley, did you really need the money? I've only seen a few segments of this new edition of the show, but it appears that VH1's shovel has broken through the bottom of the barrel and is now scraping the dirt underneath. You never know when you'll strike oil, I guess.

bacteria

From Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird column:

Tampa seventh-grader Jasmine Roberts got some national press in February after the Tampa Tribune published the results of her prize-winning science fair project. Analyzing samples at a lab at the University of South Florida, she found that in the majority of cases the ice used in drinks at local fast-food restaurants contained more bacteria than the water in the restaurants' toilets.

Maybe so, but a Coke from the fountain at a fast-food restaurant tastes so much better than one poured from the fountain at a gas station or convenience store, and part of it has to do with the ice. If the ice is the "special sauce," so to speak, then I can live with a little more bacteria in my system. It's important to pick your battles.

Portable music player or crystal ball?

Here's a survey I wasted time filling out today, but I mean that in the best sense possible, since I love wasting time filling out these pointless surveys. And when I say "pointless," what I mean is ... well, you know.

Go to your music player of choice and put it on "shuffle." Say the following questions aloud and press "play." Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

(My iPod is only half full, but let's get started anyway ...)

1. How does the world see me?
"Pass Me By," Pete Yorn. (We're off to a great start.)

2. Will I have a happy life?
"(You Caught Me) Smilin'," Sly and the Family Stone. (Okay, now we're back on track.)

3. What do my friends really think of me?
"Friday Let Me Down," Hall & Oates. (F**k you too, Robinson Crusoe!)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Rolling in the Sand," Papas Fritas. (Sex on the beach is messy. Lust after me indoors, please.)

5. How can you be happy?
"Never Give Up on a Good Thing [Live]," George Benson. (I will be happy if I never give up. Fair enough.)

6. What should I do with my life?
"Adam 'n Eve 'n Eve," Raul Midón. (Apparently I should marry two lesbians, according to the theme song from Spike Lee's She Hate Me.)

7. Why must life be so full of pain?
"C'est la Vie," Robbie Nevil. ('Nuff said.)

8. Will I ever have children?
"Changes," Tahiti 80. ('Nuff said.)

9. Will I die happy?
"Sexy M.F.," Prince and the New Power Generation. (Women will eulogize me in their own unique and inappropriate way.)

10. What is some good advice for me?
"Reptilia," the Strokes. (Don't be a snake. Or do. It's hard to say based on the song title, and I can't remember any of the lyrics right now.)

11. What is happiness?
"Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me," Peter Brown. (Happiness is a great disco song from the '70s that I had never heard until recently.)

12. What's my favorite fetish?
"Travelling Without Moving," Jamiroquai. (Y'all know me—I've never met a hallucinogen I didn't like.)

13. How will I be remembered?
"Let's Stay Together," Isaac Hayes. (I will be remembered for divorcing a record number of women. Irony, I love you!)

14. What is your love life like?
"An Innocent Man," Billy Joel. (God, how true that is. iPod, you know me too well.)

15. What is sex with you like?
"Sleep Better," Pete Yorn. (Okay, you're back in my good graces, iPod ... as long as you're saying women sleep better after they've had sex with me as opposed to sleep being a better experience than having sex with me. That is what you're saying, right?)

16. What's your life motto?
"International Feel," Todd Rundgren. (My motto is: I will find you and feel you no matter where you live.)

17. How does your crush/S.O. feel about you?
"My Love," Paul McCartney & Wings. (My crush/significant other really digs me. Or, rather, she would if she existed.)

18. What is your wedding going to be like?
"Work to Do," Vanessa Williams. (My wedding will be a piece of cake, HAHAHAHA!!!! Sigh ... My wedding will include a cover of an Isley Brothers classic, but unfortunately it'll be overshadowed by a scandalous photo spread in Penthouse, causing me to relinquish my title as 1984's Miss America.)

19. What about your honeymoon?
"Heather," Paul McCartney. (My honeymoon will be ruined by my sister-in-law for some reason. My first honeymoon anyway.)

20. Describe the last day of your life.
"Black Devil Car," Jamiroquai. (My last day on earth will apparently involve a fatal auto accident brought about by antiquated racial slurs.)

21. Why does life suck?
"Starting All Over Again," Mel & Tim. (Because the good times never last, that's why.)

22. Why does life rule?
"I Could Write a Book," Harry Connick Jr. (Because the memories of the good times I've had with the people I love will always be with me.)

23. What will you be famous for?
"Free Again," Alex Chilton. (Like I said, divorcing a record number of women. Can't wait!)

cowboys and pigtails

Waiting at the bus stop today beside me was a man wearing a raincoat and a cowboy hat. He was smoking a cigarillo and holding a half-full (I'm an optimist) two-liter bottle of Diet Dr Pepper. With that kind of arsenal, a man can tackle the day with confidence.

Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher is interviewed in the current issue of Vanity Fair. She's in her underwear on the cover, but in the interview she talks about being molested by her uncle at age six.

I'm really disappointed in Vanity Fair. The least they could've done is put Hatcher's hair in pigtails on the cover. Cowards.

how you talk

MTV's promos for its reality shows feature the voice of a woman who tells you what's going to happen on this week's episode, followed by a judgmental comment about one or more of the cast members. This is MTV's way of saying "Young people, this is how you talk. You're all catty, catty, doggy, catty little bitches. We totally get you."

balance

The universe has a way of balancing itself out. Here's a very microscopic example: recently at work I lost some money in the soft-drink vending machine. It took my dollar bill and didn't give me anything in return for it. (I know!) Then today I tried to buy some almond M&Ms from the candy vending machine with 60 cents in change because (1) I've never had them before and (2) I can never have enough sugar in my system. Well, the machine wouldn't let me have them. So I pushed the coin return button to give me back my 60 cents. What came out of the slot? One dollar and 35 cents. A 75-cent profit, people!

The universe is balanced once again. 'Bout time. (Never mind the time in December when I got eight Cokes for the price of one from the vending machine. I don't want to know how the universe is going to collect that debt.)