the bronze bachelor

Gerry Turner, the for-all-y'all-older-single-ladies star of The Golden Bachelor, looks like what Donald Trump thinks he looks like until, you know, he looks in the mirror.

I bet Trump has dreams in which he's the Bachelor—he doesn't look a day over 76, obviously, so perish the thought that he'd ever be cast as the out-of-shape, past-his-prime Golden Bachelor—but all of the hot female contestants reject him instead of the other way around. He tries to pull lifelike, Mission: Impossible-style masks off their faces to reveal that they're actually Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, E. Jean Carroll, etc., in disguise, but every time he does he gets a glass of Champagne thrown in his face, forcing him to readjust his combover and reapply his makeup.

What a nightmare.

You could argue that an alternate version of that nightmare would involve the contestants pulling off their masks to reveal that they're Ivanka Trump—but somehow I don't think that'd be such a nightmare for her dad.

How do you say "F**k around and find out" in Spanish?

"Get it right the first time" isn't my motto when I interpret song lyrics.

A bottle of white, a bottle of red
Perhaps a bottle of rosé instead …

Who can forget the opening lines of Billy Joel's classic 1977 song "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant," the tale of a singing waiter who also happens to play piano—which must be why it takes him an eternity of seven and a half minutes to deliver two bottles of wine that aren't rosé to a couple who probably weren't all that interested in the first place in hearing his sob story about some other couple named Brenda and Eddie.

Piano Man, you may have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack when you read your restaurant's latest Yelp reviews and realize your customers don't love you just the way you are.

There are multiple Hellboys, but there's only one Ron Perlman.

I am the Hellboy ...

Ron Perlman, star of Hellboy (2004)
and Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

They are the Hellboy ... 

David Harbour, star of the 2019 Hellboy reboot

Deadpool 2's Jack Kesy, recently cast as Hellboy
in a second reboot

I am the walrus ... 

Perlman in the BBC series The Capture (2019-present)

Goo goo g'joob.

a Russian doll with a glass eye and a beard made of yarn

Natasha Lyonne's character in Russian Doll refers to herself in the Netflix series's first season as what might've happened "if Andrew Dice Clay and the little girl from Brave made a baby."

Maybe. But I think the proud parents would've been Peter Falk and the Muppets' Animal (especially if you factor in Lyonne's starring role in another streaming series, Peacock's upcoming, Columbo-esque Poker Face).

Sing to the Lord a semi-new psalm ...

Sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the whole earth.

Sing to the Lord and bless His name;
proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day.

Declare His glory among the nations
and His wonders among all peoples.

For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised;
He is more to be feared than all gods.

But we can tell you're not in awe;
it's obvious you couldn't care less.

You think it's easy being God?
Then why don't you climb up to heaven and do the job yourself?

There's so much paperwork involved;
you'd start losing your mind in 60 seconds flat.

You try keeping up with eight billion people
while trying to solve the population-control crisis with "natural" disasters.

All He wants is a little respect,

and doesn't respect usually come with a little fear?

pitches for new James Cameron documentaries

Starting with Piranha II: The Spawning in 1982 and ending with True Lies in '94, James Cameron directed six feature films in a dozen years. His follow-up to True Lies, 1997's Titanic, broke box-office records and won 11 Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director. But over the next dozen years, Cameron directed only one other feature film, 2009's Avatar, which ended up breaking Titanic's box-office records.

He did, however, direct two deep-sea documentaries in the meantime: Ghosts of the Abyss (2003) and Aliens of the Deep (2005). Both nonfiction films' titles echo those of previous fiction films of Cameron's: respectively, 1989's The Abyss and 1986's Aliens, the first of many sequels and prequels to, and spin-offs of, 1979's Alien.

But Cameron still has two titles from his pre-Titanic days that haven't been exploited yet. I think the following documentary would be an excellent addition to the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week" event next year:

The Terminator of Other Fish and Sometimes People

Has Cameron ever thought about making a film that can be shown in sex-education classes? Here's a water-based idea:

'You Can’t Get Pregnant If You Do It in a Pool' ... and Other True Lies

Unlike the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010, I don't remember the Montara oil spill off the coast of western Australia in '09 getting a ton of press coverage in this part of the Northern Hemisphere. But I think at least one documentary-title pitch for Cameron should acknowledge the post-True Lies phase of his career, so how about ...

'Ave a Tar Fish, Mate: The Untold Story of the Gusher Down Under

It doesn't hurt that Tar Fish also happen to be piranha-like creatures in the video game Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, recalling the low-budget roots of Cameron's filmography. But I'm hoping "'Ave a Tar Fish, Mate" will cost upwards of $200 million for no reason whatsoever. You can't go home again.

Avatar: The Way of Water, the first of four planned sequels to the 2009 original—actually, I guess you can go home again (and again and again and again)—is set to be released this December, eight years after it was originally announced to hit theaters, because it takes a lot of expensive, state-of-the-art computer animation to make water look wet.