After a while I started putting a few paragraphs at the top of each mass mailing in which I'd tell people what was going on in my life at the moment. I thought the sarcasm was obvious, yet sometimes people on my list wouldn't get the joke. One guy wrote me in 2001 after reading my e-mail and said, "I think it's great that you've met someone, but don't rush to get married to this girl so quickly. I did that when I married my first wife, and it was a mistake." When I had worked with this guy in the late '90s in Atlanta I had no idea he was on his second marriage, so I felt like my sarcasm had misled him into giving me information I didn't need to know. I decided at that point to hold off on my "I've been accused of date rape" e-mail no matter how curious I was to see who would come out of the woodwork. (Sarcasm? You be the judge.)
At the end of each mass mailing I would include quotes from song lyrics, TV shows, movies, and books ... but mostly song lyrics. The last mass mailing I sent was in September '04, and although I meant to send one out around November of last year, it never happened, and I don't think I'll send one again. I still receive forwards from people, some of which are very funny and would be worth passing on, but I don't want to spend time anymore editing them down to the 10 best dumb-blonde jokes out of 57, for example, or erasing all those damn >>>>'s from the margins.
Anyway, here are quotes I would've included in the next mass mailing ...
"I only sleep when spoken to"
—Grandpaboy, "Lush and Green" (1997)
"I make you feel lost like high school history"
—De La Soul, "In the Woods" (1993)
"We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together."
—Homer Simpson on his and Marge's marriage, The Simpsons (2006)
"The white cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing: he set the word 'free' to a note so high nobody could reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on earth sounds less like freedom to me. You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, Louis, I'll show you America—terminal, crazy, and mean. I live in America, Louis. I don't have to love it. You do that. Everybody's gotta love something."
—Norman "Belize" Arraga (Jeffrey Wright), Angels in America (2003)
"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
"This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity!"
—Dale Gribble commenting on Bill Dauterive's involvement in an all-male chorus, King of the Hill (2005)
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere"
—Elvis Costello, "New Lace Sleeves" (1981)
"I tried to surprise you / I crept up behind you / With a homeless chihuahua / You cooed for an hour / You handed him back and said / 'You'll never guess—I'm bored now'"
—Morrissey, "King Leer" (1991)
"A cheap sunset on a television set could upset her / But he never could"
—Jeff Tweedy, "Hummingbird" (2004)
"Nothin' you can't handle, nothin' you ain't got / Put your money on the table, drive it off the lot"
—Boz Scaggs and David Paich, "Lowdown" (1976)
"We got more balance than cheese on an onion ring"
—Dave and Serge Bielanko, "The Closer" (2005)
"You show your age when you drown your rage / But I see past those laughter lines"
—The Thrills, "Not for All the Love in the World" (2004)
"Law of averages plainly states that chances go around / If you wanna know the truth about it I'll tell you what's pulling you down"
—John Whitehead, Gene McFadden, and Victor Carstarphen, "Bad Luck" (1975)
"If a white boy's doin' it, well, it's success / When I start doin' it, well, it's suspect"
—Chris E. Martin and Dante Smith, "Mr. Nigga" (1999)
"Don't you know you're like Pete Best / Bitter after all these years / Just let it go"
—Conor Deasy, "Your Love Is Like Las Vegas" (2003)
"If you say that you're staying you're probably only waiting around / As you move up the ladder it really doesn't matter somehow / 'Cause the need for a brand-new face ain't never been a matter of taste / That's why there's no satisfaction in the coming attractions these days"
—Dave and Serge Bielanko, "Going Thru the Motions" (2004)
"Changing's no fun if you don't want to / I need a good day sailing / To tell the sun and the moon / That I am turning for no reasons too / And I keep waiting"
—Phoenix, "Summer Days" (2000)
"If I am good I could add years to my life / I would rather add some life to my years"
—Spiritualized, "Out of Sight" (2001)
"Catch the last ride on a Brooklyn train / Thirty years old and nothing's changed ... / And I'll rise to greet you in the morning time / It's an honest thing, and honest things they last"
—Josh Rouse, "Rise" (2003)
"Maybe later on / After the late late show / We can go to your room / I can try on your clothes"
—Josh Rouse and Daniel Tashian, "It's the Nighttime" (2005)
"Well I'm not the world's most masculine man / But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man / And so is Lola"
—Ray Davies, "Lola" (1970)
"She made me breakfast to the strains of vintage Smokey Robinson / She said, 'Just my imagination, well, I think he wrote that one for the Temps' ... / Never had the pleasure, at least I think I made you laugh / Well, I never took your treasure, at least I think I made you laugh"
—John Powhida, "Oh Delilah" (2003)
"Sex without love is a good ride worth trying / But love without sex is second only to dying"
—Aidan Moffat and Malcolm Middleton, "Glue" (2003)
"I'm in love with a face that I've never seen / Once upon a place long time ago / I'm in love with a time that never took place / That's easy to trace / As far as I know / And I know everything that I need to sing / I know everything"
—Paul Westerberg, "As Far as I Know" (2004)
"When one is a child we always have special things to remember with love."
—Cristian, my Christian Children's Fund pen pal in Ecuador (November 2005)
"I'm gonna watch you shine / Gonna watch you grow / Gonna paint a sign / So you'll always know / As long as one and one is two / There could never be a father / Who loved his daughter more than I love you"
—Paul Simon, "Father and Daughter" (2002)