Oh, the people you'll meet!

Below are the names of some "people" who've sent spam e-mail to my friend Mary and me over the past two years:

Hebrew I. Stuffiness
Taoist Q. Subservience
Righteousness G. Trump
Merchandised T. Matriarch
Travestied D. Ministries
Flagellating I. Appealing
Gullibility V. Affirmation
King Hansen
Sandbank B. Tippecanoe
Bugaboo R. Federalists
Sleeplessness M. Communism
Shamefaced M. Groggiest
Gluttony F. Antidepressant
Stomp O. Appetite
Metabolisms G. Disputes
Saucier E. Dripping
Inhuman J. Nutmeg
Farts L. Stanching
Terrifically U. Dumped
Tackiness Q. Effusive
Grandson V. Extrovert
Flashy T. Dentine
Romeo Vang
Fireball E. Chivalry
Jitterbug G. Superbly
Sauna V. Environmentalism
Incurable C. Luxuriance
Mellowness Q. Elevation
Shutout Q. Fictional
Negligee T. Legals
Hung Mooney
Stallion U. Garrulous
Vulva M. Vacationers
Monica Fist
Secretions V. Stickpins
Showdown A. Affair
Ejects P. Receptiveness
Frustrates M. Prejudgment
Bigamy R. Bustling
Offensiveness F. Brawl
Volleyed R. Indignities
Adam Smallwood [plugging Cialis, naturally]
Pansy David
Neurosis S. Sellout
Incompetently E. Tongued
Gay Huff
Beauty D. Slander
Suave I. Contaminant
Jarod Taintor
Stress P. Whine
Funded H. Estrangement
Quotable S. Ruin
Screamed L. Mammogram
Killed F. Workdays
Refreshing H. Vigilantism
Headstones T. Geneticist
Eyesore F. Beethoven
Deceases E. Emerges
God V. Offbeat

And here's something I found early this year, compliments of OutSports.com—words and phrases you can't request to be put on personalized jerseys at NFL.com:

420
666
2 ON 1
3RD LEG
3SOME
60 NINE
ANAL ANNIE
ASS BLASTER
ASS JOCKEY
ASS PACKER
ASS PUPPIES
B HARD
BACK DOOR MAN
BAD FUCK
BALL LICKER
BARELY LEGAL
BAZONGAS
BIATCH
BM
BONG
BOOBS
BUDWEISER
CARPET MUNCHER
CARRUTH
CHERRY POPPER
CLAM DIGGER
COCK BLOCKER
COCK KNOB
COCK TAIL
COCKY
CORNHOLE
CREAMY
CROTCH ROT
CUM BUBBLE
CUM QUAT
DAHMER
DEPOSIT
DICK FART
DIPSTICK
DOUBLE D
DRE
DRIP DICK
EVL
F TOYOTA
F.I.N.E.
FANNY FUCKER
FINGER FOOD
FLASHER
FLOGGIN THE DOLPHIN
FONDLE
FOOTACTION
FUCK PIG
GAY MUTHA FUCKIN QUEER
GLAZED DONUT
GOD
GOT JESUS
HE HATE ME
HEAD LIGHTS
HELL NO
HELL YES
HOBO
HOSTAGE
HOT TO TROT
I LOVE BEER
KMART
KOTEX
LEZ BE FRIENDS
LUCKY CAMEL TOE
MOTHER LOVE BONE
OICU812
POOR WHITE TRASH
PORCH MONKEY
PREMATURE
PUD
SWEETNESS
TANG
WHISKEY DICK

I can understand why most of the above shouldn't be on jerseys, but what about words and phrases like "He Hate Me" and "Hobo"? Would a hobo really be offended? He'd probably want a jersey for himself ... but probably because he lives outdoors and needs warm clothing during the colder months of football season and not because he cares whether or not the town where he's currently being transient gets to the Super Bowl.

But I do have to give a verbal ass-pat to the NFL.com employees (i.e. interns who were given an assignment no one else wanted) who were smart enough to put "Kotex" on the do-not-stitch list. What red-blooded male wouldn't want the name of a tampon brand on his back? It's also good to see that, even from beyond the grave, Walter Payton can keep the nickname of "Sweetness" out of the public domain.