gift horses that run away

I have a pretty good memory. I mean, I ain't the type to brag or nothin', but there you have it. Here's how my good memory can work for you: If I say I'll burn you a CD or make you a copy of an article or put you in my will, I'll do it. I won't just say, "Oh yeah, I'll bring that next Sunday," and then never follow up. I'm not a man of empty promises. Okay, sometimes I'll take my time, like with that Bill Hicks mix CD I promised some people a few months ago, but that's going to take some time, okay? Lots of editing will be involved in that endeavor, and frankly I don't have the time right now as I write a blog entry about how people aren't giving me stuff.

Where are my free promotional copies of new albums by established bands that are sent to my employer all the freakin' time?! Where's my DVD copy of all the Replacements' TV performances in the '80s?! Where's that copy of Office Space that was going to be lent to me in exchange for an article about the movie's growing popularity as a cult hit—a deal in which I upheld my end of the bargain to no avail?! (The guy who said he'd let me borrow the movie was happy to receive the article yet seemed to have no clue one week later that he'd offered to lend me the movie. There's one reason why marijuana shouldn't be legalized.) And where's my Tom Petty mix tape, which I didn't really care to receive anyway, but a promise is a promise!

Speaking of "petty," if you're out there, Banana Funningham*, I know you finally found that videotape I let you borrow in 1997. I know you found it one year later after thinking you'd lost it. I know you had my address in Atlanta as of December of '98 and could've easily returned the tape to me at that address. But you never did. May that tape take on some sort of weird life of its own, a la The Ring. No, I don't want it to kill you, Anna, but if it were to make you permanently ten pounds heavier, so be it. "Why won't these ten pounds come off? How much time do I have to spend on the treadmill to get rid of them?!" Hahahahahahaha!!!!!! Should've returned that tape back in '98, fattie!

* Not her real name. But it should be.