Saturday, February 25, 2006


Dear scientists,

I realize male pattern baldness isn't a top priority for you, but neither is a cure for cancer, right? There's no money in a cure, right? That's no big secret. Jonas Salk really dicked over the pharmaceutical industry with that stupid cure for polio back in the 1860s (although it did make a lot of recently emancipated slaves happy), and I can understand if you guys are still taking a lot of heat for his screw-ups.

But here's how you can make money for the growing health-and-fitness industry, who will hopefully kick some money back to you guys so you can buy a Stairmaster or treadmill for your home, because I assume you're all pretty homely and therefore shouldn't step foot into any health clubs or gyms, which are generally full of beautiful people doing their beautiful thing. Okay, here's my idea: Find a way to link male pattern baldness (forget female pattern baldness, since women love to wear wigs in the first place, right?) to weight. For instance, if a man gains five pounds in a month, a bald spot will begin to appear. But if he works out and eats healthier food and cuts back on drinking and smoking, his hair will begin to grow back

Genius, yes? You're welcome.

Let's face itmost people can lose weight by dieting and exercising if they just discipline themselves, but who can grow their hair back without resorting to using snake oil advertised on TV, usually late at night when I'm still awake because my usual routine of crying myself to sleep hasn't done the trick? But if you scientist types were able to hook up hair loss and weight gain, balding guys all over the world would strive to get healthy. Okay, so the 5-foot-11, 120-pound cue ball might just have to live with his hair loss; sorry, stringbean, but I'm not proposing this idea so that average Americans can starve to death when there are plenty of people in this world already doing a fine job of that.

All I'm saying is, think about it, scientists. And then give me full credit for whatever you come up with.


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