Sing to the Lord a semi-new psalm ...

Sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the whole earth.

Sing to the Lord and bless His name;
proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day.

Declare His glory among the nations
and His wonders among all peoples.

For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised;
He is more to be feared than all gods.

But we can tell you're not in awe;
it's obvious you couldn't care less.

You think it's easy being God?
Then why don't you climb up to heaven and do the job yourself?

There's so much paperwork involved;
you'd start losing your mind in 60 seconds flat.

You try keeping up with eight billion people
while trying to solve the population-control crisis with "natural" disasters.

All He wants is a little respect,

and doesn't respect usually come with a little fear?

Coming up with awesome book titles takes practice.

Sometime last year I saw this book cover on a friend's Facebook page:

In Hendersonville, North Carolina, two months ago, while visiting my parents for Christmas, I saw the book's title again, this time on a postcard at a local grocery store called the Fresh Market (possibly the best-smelling place on earth).

Luckily, it's not the only memorable title Lorraine Peterson, an author of books for young (Christian) adults, has come up with over the years:

Answer: He's paranoid about getting mugged, so He never carries cash, but He can light up your life with a lightning strike if you'd prefer.

Answer: Your hair is proof enough that you can't be trusted to do the right thing.

Answer (in the form of bitter, sarcastic rhetorical questions that reveal a little too much about the person writing them): Who ever said God loves forgetful teenagers? Who said God loves teenagers, period? I mean, look at your face—if God loved mankind, why would He create pimples?! And why would He let grown men go bald in their early 20s but still give them pimples in their mid-30s? That's just cruel!

I'd forgotten the real reason why Morgan Freeman has an agenda.

It's so obvious. It's because he's God.

In 2003's Bruce Almighty and 2007's Evan Almighty, Freeman plays God. Or, rather, he plays the role of God. Yes, it's another case of the Oscar winner being typecast as a wise old black man, but at least in these two movies he plays the wisest and oldest black man of them all. I haven't seen either one, but now I'm beginning to wonder if Freeman ad-libbed lines about Americans liking bad food and bad TV. Never stop pushing that agenda of yours, sir.

This summer Freeman's starring in The Dark Knight alongside Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, and Michael Caine, and in Wanted opposite Angelina Jolie. On July 18 everyone at work received an e-mail from the head of the IT department in Atlanta that read: "Don't open any e-mails that talk about nude photos of Angelina Jolie. They will appear to come from either yourself or someone you have e-mail'd previously."

Thanks, but as Morgan Freeman is my witness, I'm pretty sure I'd remember sending nude photos of Angelina Jolie to myself.

satisfaction not guaranteed

Below is an oddly worded sentiment I found earlier today at the bottom of an e-mail from a friend of a friend:

"God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in HIM!"

Yeah, like God really cares about the report card you give Him. He's God! I'm pretty sure His ego can withstand your lack of fear or faith, puny mortal.