I saw the beginning of Three Men and a Baby on TV a few weeks ago for the first time in a long time. Talk about overcompensation—the opening-credits montage takes great pains to show that these three grown men who live together in a penthouse apartment love the pussy. Got it, audience? THEY'RE NOT GAY, so stop looking at them that way. It's best that we clear it up now in the first five minutes with this charming series of scenes set to Miami Sound Machine's "Bad Boy," in which we see various women entering and leaving the apartment, Tom Selleck's character jogging past a pretty lady, then turning around to pursue her and ... wait, didn't the video for "Bad Boy" feature lots of costumed characters from the Broadway musical Cats? And aren't Broadway musicals generally populated with, produced by, and enjoyed by ... you know ... gay dudes? That's right, Disney—you blew it! You should've used "Freedom" by Wham! instead.
At least Selleck's character is the only one of the three leads who looks like he could afford an apartment that big and expensive; if Danson and Guttenberg were also successful lawyers or doctors the way Selleck's a successful architect, you'd really have to wonder why they still needed to have roommates in their late 30s (actually, Guttenberg was 28 when he filmed Three Men, but Danson was 39 and Selleck was 42). Maybe Guttenberg's character is a delinquent-little-brother type to the other two and they all found a huge bag full of money, a la The Treasure of the Sierra Madre or A Simple Plan, but to make sure Guttenberg doesn't run off with Selleck and Danson's share, they decide to live with him. But they don't want to live in some standard-issue three-bedroom apartment with thin walls, loud neighbors, and tiny rooms, so they take some of the cash they found and buy a huge condo with a private elevator. Then a baby shows up.
That sounds like a plausible backstory, right? You bet it does! And what a great movie it would be! Hey, somebody write this remake of that remake of that French movie! I'd do it myself, but I'm busy blogging right now.
I also realized while watching the beginning of Three Men that the sitcom Full House, which followed it by about nine months, pretty much ripped it off. I never made the connection before. (Guttenberg, who plays a cartoonist, even makes lots of stupid Uncle Joey-type jokes in the movie.) And here's why I shouldn't have made the connection: Full House debuted on ABC before, not after, Disney released Three Men. For some reason I originally thought Three Men was released in November of '86, not '87. So was Full House based on the original French film, 1985's Trois Hommes et un Couffin (a.k.a. Three Men and a Cradle)? I don't know. As for the Full House leading men's sexual orientation, from what I could tell they were too dumb to be gay.