tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225074092024-03-07T11:52:58.578-06:00Mulberry Panda 96Internationally broadcast scratch paper.Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.comBlogger523125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-35112083544408513532023-08-26T09:16:00.005-05:002023-08-28T07:26:13.478-05:00How do you say "F**k around and find out" in Spanish?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBdT_mh-VXM_k6V2HclJCDidKvt32HDLZSSXE2r1zY5IR-0gy7dIZILUpuknVYzM7GafY4M4bayfCDXnv4sEDmBXYKuCBTt614ETf8e3nv6U3MuPGg1UmWFk1lJOQWxCCSEwV9kbRP2ogd0pAwTNYj0P6POotJ1R1pEi__OeteSJ0dPenYAXRJUA/s1435/8-25-23_%20Screenshot%202023-08-28%20at%206.25.20%20AM.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1435" data-original-width="1085" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBdT_mh-VXM_k6V2HclJCDidKvt32HDLZSSXE2r1zY5IR-0gy7dIZILUpuknVYzM7GafY4M4bayfCDXnv4sEDmBXYKuCBTt614ETf8e3nv6U3MuPGg1UmWFk1lJOQWxCCSEwV9kbRP2ogd0pAwTNYj0P6POotJ1R1pEi__OeteSJ0dPenYAXRJUA/w485-h640/8-25-23_%20Screenshot%202023-08-28%20at%206.25.20%20AM.jpg" width="485" /></a></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-21537109299792887652023-03-24T21:02:00.101-05:002023-04-04T08:26:51.804-05:00There are multiple Hellboys, but there's only one Ron Perlman.<p><i>I am the Hellboy ...</i></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEijunSiE6UQaI_NUFTcJBvRPk2Jkc0uRT1Npt5nRTj7S2CDnXlXHpO8WX_HlBeIHfNN-teSYnNYnkq__4l4L1aTVd5pRRUHbKN9meV0IcKqc2XVgKFLX0tYNbfKb1lPxjFGECptG-ru0Z2sFzgssyu1MQ-o6X60TQB8Qy8XUCDWdQZUWso3v7w" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2100" data-original-width="3900" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEijunSiE6UQaI_NUFTcJBvRPk2Jkc0uRT1Npt5nRTj7S2CDnXlXHpO8WX_HlBeIHfNN-teSYnNYnkq__4l4L1aTVd5pRRUHbKN9meV0IcKqc2XVgKFLX0tYNbfKb1lPxjFGECptG-ru0Z2sFzgssyu1MQ-o6X60TQB8Qy8XUCDWdQZUWso3v7w=w400-h215" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ron Perlman, star of <i>Hellboy</i> (2004) <br />and <i>Hellboy II: The Golden Army</i> (2008)</td></tr></tbody></table></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><i>They are the Hellboy ... </i><p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiG_NQ933k8pDAVylP2W2IxPDwn70k4SkNyfdGw3P47GNXc6cxOWsSvsb-MYTXaaBXK5e7Os-MFVwjMuWtdp_3wwDm8oFMp8awfIK0usCbcEVJy0rqcggrFvqSjBB0uMZaAz7KGg4Q4e0y40UdiO3m_AIKVEwuqHGDxxzxi2SC3VMV11-8jc2k" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="868" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiG_NQ933k8pDAVylP2W2IxPDwn70k4SkNyfdGw3P47GNXc6cxOWsSvsb-MYTXaaBXK5e7Os-MFVwjMuWtdp_3wwDm8oFMp8awfIK0usCbcEVJy0rqcggrFvqSjBB0uMZaAz7KGg4Q4e0y40UdiO3m_AIKVEwuqHGDxxzxi2SC3VMV11-8jc2k=w400-h221" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">David Harbour, star of the 2019 <i>Hellboy</i> reboot</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi9qumcpczK2yJxXUAEWC6TslYOkWd3u5zML0J2QNidn0DtBRh-KTwGiy_g4OG0OoGKNnXyZsNjUBQ5fT5WtW3C362TdMai-gHs0CNXwT9NjdIJfFs8YlvO2i5wP0dPcrCaLDhAfOlxiJ4rP9yfs-DMTM9tIrmkKkxy3LKNUrASt_ZYjOrzMFY" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi9qumcpczK2yJxXUAEWC6TslYOkWd3u5zML0J2QNidn0DtBRh-KTwGiy_g4OG0OoGKNnXyZsNjUBQ5fT5WtW3C362TdMai-gHs0CNXwT9NjdIJfFs8YlvO2i5wP0dPcrCaLDhAfOlxiJ4rP9yfs-DMTM9tIrmkKkxy3LKNUrASt_ZYjOrzMFY=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Deadpool 2</i>'s Jack Kesy, recently cast as Hellboy <br />in a second reboot</td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div></div><i>I am the walrus ... </i><p></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgBDhvyTZZs-vhkXHHctmRIz3MetCdGl4OHNks8NwkWDL-FP9o3ddx-uJHMi3ow4xhss8aivbG1gFQFiJs-sJlLEJaZmkqWYrUbnpdraUigJvj27_lNEZ2OXRtHYItDdqC1tCm0_OQaLbN2NS-_R3lWa_3Flldrs_guvPLUigL3o75TZJ4t_uY" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgBDhvyTZZs-vhkXHHctmRIz3MetCdGl4OHNks8NwkWDL-FP9o3ddx-uJHMi3ow4xhss8aivbG1gFQFiJs-sJlLEJaZmkqWYrUbnpdraUigJvj27_lNEZ2OXRtHYItDdqC1tCm0_OQaLbN2NS-_R3lWa_3Flldrs_guvPLUigL3o75TZJ4t_uY=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Perlman in the BBC series <i>The Capture</i> (2019-present)<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><i>Goo goo g'joob.</i><p></p><p></p>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-41174560825823858022022-09-13T10:10:00.004-05:002023-03-31T14:52:49.367-05:00Sing to the Lord a semi-new psalm ...Sing to the Lord a new song;<br /> sing to the Lord, all the whole earth.<br /><br />Sing to the Lord and bless His name;<br /> proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day.<br /><br />Declare His glory among the nations<br /> and His wonders among all peoples.<br /><br />For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised;<br />He is more to be feared than all gods.<br /><br />But we can tell you're not in awe;<br />it's obvious you couldn't care less.<br /><br />You think it's easy being God?<br /> Then why don't you climb up to heaven and do the job yourself?<div><br />There's so much paperwork involved;<br />you'd start losing your mind in 60 seconds flat.<br /><br />You try keeping up with eight billion people<br />while trying to solve the population-control crisis with "natural" disasters.<br /><br />All He wants is a little respect,</div><div>and doesn't respect usually come with a little fear?<br /></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-47255502067798282462022-08-02T15:33:00.273-05:002023-08-28T14:01:19.943-05:00pitches for new James Cameron documentaries<p>Starting with <i>Piranha II: The Spawning</i> in 1982 and ending with <i>True Lies</i> in '94, James Cameron directed six feature films in a dozen years. His follow-up to <i>True Lies</i>, 1997's <i>Titanic</i>, broke box-office records and won 11 Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director. But over the next dozen years, Cameron directed only one other feature film, 2009's <i>Avatar</i>, which ended up breaking <i>Titanic</i>'s box-office records.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLAK9w1l63oJ5u6s9kNFKQfncf7v2PhivVNauPREXbpmefcUqUrEhqsSni7vqPrhsCepM8VaJ2xVhV4MgNjZLqaejYTSKkn-jdTL4Sa2bljDTsmXbDFZl2IVzYNFi0zzzw2obLeN03cZE717KPQ9c6q9810Jbp-xbit3AIHIYo7n4jCnwaleYqw/s2048/03DEEPSEA2-superJumbo-v2.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1153" data-original-width="2048" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLAK9w1l63oJ5u6s9kNFKQfncf7v2PhivVNauPREXbpmefcUqUrEhqsSni7vqPrhsCepM8VaJ2xVhV4MgNjZLqaejYTSKkn-jdTL4Sa2bljDTsmXbDFZl2IVzYNFi0zzzw2obLeN03cZE717KPQ9c6q9810Jbp-xbit3AIHIYo7n4jCnwaleYqw/s320/03DEEPSEA2-superJumbo-v2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>He did, however, direct two deep-sea documentaries in the meantime: <i>Ghosts of the Abyss</i> (2003) and <i>Aliens of the Deep</i> (2005). Both nonfiction films' titles echo those of previous fiction films of Cameron's: respectively, 1989's <i>The Abyss</i> and 1986's <i>Aliens</i>, the first of many sequels and prequels to, and spin-offs of, 1979's <i>Alien</i>.<p></p><p>But Cameron still has two titles from his pre-<i>Titanic</i> days that haven't been exploited yet. I think the following documentary would be an excellent addition to the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week" event next year:</p><p><b>The Terminator of Other Fish and Sometimes People</b></p><p>Has Cameron ever thought about making a film that can be shown in sex-education classes? Here's a water-based idea:</p><p><b>'You Can’t Get Pregnant If You Do It in a Pool' ... and Other True Lies</b></p><p>Unlike the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010, I don't remember the Montara oil spill off the coast of western Australia in '09 getting a ton of press coverage in this part of the Northern Hemisphere. But I think at least one documentary-title pitch for Cameron should acknowledge the post-<i>True Lies</i> phase of his career, so how about ...</p><p><b>'Ave a Tar Fish, Mate: The Untold Story of the Gusher Down Under</b></p><p>It doesn't hurt that Tar Fish also happen to be piranha-like creatures in the video game <i>Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat</i>, recalling the low-budget roots of Cameron's filmography. But I'm hoping "'Ave a Tar Fish, Mate" will cost upwards of $200 million for no reason whatsoever. You can't go home again.</p><p><i>Avatar: The Way of Water</i>, the first of four planned sequels to the 2009 original—actually, I guess you <i>can</i> go home again (and again and again and again)—is set to be released this December, eight years after it was originally announced to hit theaters, because it takes a lot of expensive, state-of-the-art computer animation to make water look wet.</p>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-89664048784143124522022-04-14T12:17:00.055-05:002023-08-25T13:28:25.497-05:00Joel Schumacher's subtext wasn't lost on me.When I saw <i>The Lost Boys</i> for the first time ten years ago, a few months ahead of its 25th anniversary, one particular detail stuck out: Corey Haim's character has a poster of Rob Lowe on his bedroom wall.<div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgjlGTPPoadNYkqcKCBtoii51z5JGlkKNGkVGYmN_X-pGT4QWYou1AlzFJneu75nLFG9RrxDPEhCSOcmKulWUK0kYmSp6yGR--DtWTDzjGRyjZ_0loG6BMix43cwtdIpQ3fZkkdwAa4xYN4GQ3U0bUkxUcguYMyHq3mcE4p5uFDTt-VWJrNHyCguQ" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="527" data-original-width="872" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgjlGTPPoadNYkqcKCBtoii51z5JGlkKNGkVGYmN_X-pGT4QWYou1AlzFJneu75nLFG9RrxDPEhCSOcmKulWUK0kYmSp6yGR--DtWTDzjGRyjZ_0loG6BMix43cwtdIpQ3fZkkdwAa4xYN4GQ3U0bUkxUcguYMyHq3mcE4p5uFDTt-VWJrNHyCguQ" width="320" /></a></div>Director Joel Schumacher's previous movie, <i>St. Elmo's Fire</i> (1985), included Lowe in its ensemble cast, so you could <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/comments/829c32/corey_haims_character_in_lost_boys_was_originally/" target="_blank">argue</a> the poster is an inside joke of some sort, but why would Haim's character have that poster? In 1987 no major studio was going to imply that one of the teen-heartthrob stars of its latest summer blockbuster was playing a latent homosexual — <i>God forbid</i> — but Schumacher was gay and, like most talented people, had a sense of humor.<div><br /></div><div>In my imagination Schumacher overheard Haim say something childishly homophobic on the set, then told the film's production designer, "Find a pinup of Rob Lowe and stick it on Corey's bedroom wall. Better yet, stick it on the door of his bedroom <i>closet.</i> Corey won't give it a second thought until after the movie comes out and he starts receiving some unexpected fan mail."</div></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-89363657216792263862021-11-02T12:05:00.024-05:002023-04-03T10:24:52.448-05:00unclipped<div class="separator"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjD33R2aAPBWFmxtyba4CP73pjmb6otep0gTRsNF0eGXb48CdNhwba3K6q0BxSa15OIMS51T1InY_ooPIQRQV4TVA3KO6AHkKFeBdx59X3C6eIh_K53JbtX8xt4Dyg0fZLZ2jYlIwyPx32ae_GqrDhbywaQsj90li46ka_3LSzghDDayI-k6pc=s1621" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="917" data-original-width="1621" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjD33R2aAPBWFmxtyba4CP73pjmb6otep0gTRsNF0eGXb48CdNhwba3K6q0BxSa15OIMS51T1InY_ooPIQRQV4TVA3KO6AHkKFeBdx59X3C6eIh_K53JbtX8xt4Dyg0fZLZ2jYlIwyPx32ae_GqrDhbywaQsj90li46ka_3LSzghDDayI-k6pc=w320-h181" width="320" /></a></div>"Microsoft is bringing Clippy back to Microsoft Teams," <a href="https://www.theverge.com/2021/11/1/22756973/microsoft-clippy-microsoft-teams-stickers-return" target="_blank">reports Vox Media</a>, "after first resurrecting the annoying paperclip two years ago and then killing it off after a few days."</div><br />So, next Easter, when your preacher declares that Christ the Lord is risen again, be sure to shout, "Hey, just like Clippy!"Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-15732363428438102402021-10-23T11:11:00.044-05:002022-01-28T11:48:49.755-06:00Awards are meaningless, so why shouldn't their names be meaningless too?I noticed recently that someone I briefly knew 20 years ago calls himself an "Emmy-winning writer" on his website. But his Emmy—a local Emmy, from what I can tell—is for a children's TV show produced somewhere in the midwest.<div><br /><div>That's why I now demand that everyone refer to me as an Ermy-winning writer. <br /><br />What's an Ermy, you ask? <br /><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgGXrUwmN5it9hjWWPG_kXr5EixogmuxE1xtlg14uURVYuK6gL7SeZyaE-YSs1-I3nhKqAyRV25PER4UDzZY0dkTy3l4yWd9H9EIa7nhqTl4J9y6dyU-nlF5a8SsscCx1LMqU_ihUGppF_cZIBwA0Co3AmBL2E5c4eVsQ9lBaJFaW5wYSTEPS4=s1200" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1004" data-original-width="1200" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgGXrUwmN5it9hjWWPG_kXr5EixogmuxE1xtlg14uURVYuK6gL7SeZyaE-YSs1-I3nhKqAyRV25PER4UDzZY0dkTy3l4yWd9H9EIa7nhqTl4J9y6dyU-nlF5a8SsscCx1LMqU_ihUGppF_cZIBwA0Co3AmBL2E5c4eVsQ9lBaJFaW5wYSTEPS4=w320-h269" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whoopee Goldbird, yet another illustrious EGOD winner</td></tr></tbody></table>An award <i>you</i> don't have, obviously.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm actually an EGOD winner: Ermy, Granny, Ozkar, and Dony. Yep, just me, Mike Nickels, Marvin Hamlet, Audrey Heartburn, Pat Morita Moreno, and a few awe-inspiring others.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm in good fictional company.</div></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-17615119421010912502021-01-19T15:08:00.057-06:002022-01-29T20:47:50.537-06:00Where do broken tweets go?<div>When Twitter <a href="https://blog.twitter.com/en_us/topics/company/2020/suspension.html" target="_blank">permanently suspended</a> President Trump's account on Friday, January 8, many people's "quote tweets," including mine, were suddenly devoid of context. </div><div><br /></div><div>There are no words for such a tragedy.</div><div><br /></div><div>But thanks to the <a href="https://www.thetrumparchive.com" target="_blank">Trump Twitter Archive</a>, context has been restored, allowing me to waste precious hours of my life transferring roughly six dozen of the soon-to-be-ex-president's tweets, and my responses to those tweets, to this blog. </div><div><br /></div><div>Let the record show that no one will ever request access to this record. Nevertheless ...</div><div><br /></div><div>····················</div><div><br /></div><i><b>Nov 15, 2016 · 9:55 PM EST<br /></b>Very organized process taking place as I decide on Cabinet and many other positions. I am the only one who knows who the finalists are!<br /></i><br /><b>Nov 16, 2016 · 11:30 AM CST<br /></b>"Finalists" — so exciting! Can't wait for the series premiere of "The Celebrity Apprentice: Long National Nightmare Edition."<br /><br /><div>····················</div><div><br /></div><i><b>Nov 27, 2016 · 7:31 PM EST<br /></b>Serious voter fraud in Virginia, New Hampshire and California - so why isn't the media reporting on this? Serious bias - big problem!</i><br /><br /><b>Dec 2, 2016 · 3:43 PM CST<br /></b>The president-elect is actually Barron Trump, who said, “I wish I was big,” to a Zoltar machine on 6/15/15. (Fact-free tweets are fun!) <br /><br /><div><div>····················</div><div><br /></div><i><b>Dec 9, 2016 · 2:42 PM EST<br /></b>Join me live in Louisiana! Tomorrow, we need you to go to the polls & send John Kennedy to the U.S. Senate. <a href="https://t.co/O0jtz0BKeL" target="_blank">https://t.co/O0jtz0BKeL</a></i><div><br /><b>Dec 9, 2016 · 10:15 PM CST<br /></b>Did Trump go back in time and brainwash JFK, then bring him forward in time? I still don't trust the president-elect, but I am impressed. <br /><br /><div>····················</div></div><div><b><i><br /></i></b><i><b>Dec 28, 2016 · 9:07 AM EST<br /></b>Doing my best to disregard the many inflammatory President O statements and roadblocks.Thought it was going to be a smooth transition - NOT!</i><br /><br /><b>Dec 29, 2016 · 4:22 PM CST<br /></b>Yeah, at this point I don't think "President O" really cares if he gets that security deposit back, sir.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><div><br /></div><div><i><b>Jan 10, 2017 · 8:19 PM EST<br /></b>FAKE NEWS - A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 11, 2017 · 9:41 PM CST<br /></b>My god, he's right!</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmLER1e2yOUXRsPT3qsfVAdOZNyPcTtM4g9BLqdEdGb7Xiymh1NscpszXg_j7_4G5nqINqTkS-6z_8VcWqREBbQaHXOxfU9spHaOEI8vXpUB3oH_kWaD1yYMhW2fUFyBeSaXSoAQ//" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmLER1e2yOUXRsPT3qsfVAdOZNyPcTtM4g9BLqdEdGb7Xiymh1NscpszXg_j7_4G5nqINqTkS-6z_8VcWqREBbQaHXOxfU9spHaOEI8vXpUB3oH_kWaD1yYMhW2fUFyBeSaXSoAQ/w400-h225/hq720.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jan 11, 2017 · 7:48 AM EST<br /></b>Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to "leak" into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 11, 2017 · 10:49 AM CST<br /></b>No, we're not living in Nazi Germany. But Fascist Italy? Well ...</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh1zWXym5WJgn7r6ypsBcbhreWL9fuBv4Zyx3M94l55Vq7_uxddJiHEzLVN-CIqj29qf0qGJw-9ihmfyR_hnBdYLibUeGnwcmLCvL7UFwxT0EP25Hjd22JWFMpS0CQS5qVD3AiTw//" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="683" data-original-width="1050" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh1zWXym5WJgn7r6ypsBcbhreWL9fuBv4Zyx3M94l55Vq7_uxddJiHEzLVN-CIqj29qf0qGJw-9ihmfyR_hnBdYLibUeGnwcmLCvL7UFwxT0EP25Hjd22JWFMpS0CQS5qVD3AiTw/w400-h260/trump-italian-fascism-mussolini.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jan 13, 2017 · 5:49 AM EST<br /></b>All of my Cabinet nominee are looking good and doing a great job. I want them to be themselves and express their own thoughts, not mine!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 13, 2017 · 10:11 AM CST<br /></b>I'm surprised he didn't add, "Have fun out there, you guys!" <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jan 14, 2017 · 8:07 AM EST<br /></b>mention crime infested) rather than falsely complaining about the election results. All talk, talk, talk - no action or results. Sad!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 14, 2017 · 7:01 PM CST<br /></b>For a second there I thought Trump was being self-critical. Silly me! And now back to all trash-talk, all the time ...<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Jan 15, 2017 · 2:00 PM EST<br /></b>For many years our country has been divided, angry and untrusting. Many say it will never change, the hatred is too deep. IT WILL CHANGE!!!!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 15, 2017 · 10:29 PM CST<br /></b>That sounds nice, but your watering can is filled with gasoline, sir, which is a problem.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /></div><div><i><b>Jan 16, 2017 · 8:54 AM EST<br /></b>Celebrate Martin Luther King Day and all of the many wonderful things that he stood for. Honor him for being the great man that he was!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 16, 2017 · 9:05 AM CST<br /></b>“P.S. I don't read books, but I've heard King's 'Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community?' is super. (Spoiler alert: the answer's A.)" <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Jan 17, 2017 · 8:05 AM EST<br /></b>People are pouring into Washington in record numbers. Bikers for Trump are on their way. It will be a great Thursday, Friday and Saturday!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 17, 2017 · 10:02 AM CST<br /></b>Good to know that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have finally made the switch to motorcycles. Progress!<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /></div><div><i><b>Jan 22, 2017 · 9:23 AM EST<br /></b>Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don't always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views.</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 22, 2017 · 11:02 AM CST<br /></b>The Russian or the 14-year-old or the "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds" who wrote that tweet would be a good president. <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Jan 29, 2017 · 4:49 PM EST<br /></b>...Senators should focus their energies on ISIS, illegal immigration and border security instead of always looking to start World War III.</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 30, 2017 · 9:22 AM CST<br /></b>Merriam-Webster defines projection as "the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects." <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jan 31, 2017 · 6:21 AM EST<br /></b>Nancy Pelosi and Fake Tears Chuck Schumer held a rally at the steps of The Supreme Court and mic did not work (a mess)-just like Dem party!</i><br /><br /><b>Jan 31, 2017 · 10:29 AM CST<br /></b>You claimed your mic didn't work at the first debate, yet you still won the election. I'm feeling good about the midterms now. Thanks, sir! <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 2, 2017 · 6:13 AM EST<br /></b>If U.C. Berkeley does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view - NO FEDERAL FUNDS?</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 2, 2017 · 1:07 PM CST<br /></b>You misspelled "hate" as "free," Mr. President. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 2, 2017 · 6:18 AM EST</b><br />Congratulations to Rex Tillerson on being sworn in as our new Secretary of State. He will be a star!<br /></i><br /><b>Feb 2, 2017 · 9:27 AM CST<br /></b>And you will be his Svengali!<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 3, 2017 · 6:24 AM EST<br /></b>Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger did a really bad job as Governor of California and even worse on the Apprentice...but at least he tried hard!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 4, 2017 · 8:55 AM CST<br /></b>"The Celebrity Apprentice," now hosted by Schwarzenegger, wouldn't exist if the original "Apprentice's" ratings hadn't fallen a decade ago.<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Feb 4, 2017 · 8:12 AM EST<br /></b>The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 4, 2017 · 1:36 PM CST<br /></b>"When you're a star, they let you do it. Grab them by the p—y. You can do anything." Lady Justice isn't that kind of girl, sir. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 4, 2017 · 7:48 PM EST<br /></b>The judge opens up our country to potential terrorists and others that do not have our best interests at heart. Bad people are very happy!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 4, 2017 · 11:15 PM CST<br /></b>We opened up our country to someone without our best interests at heart last November, and ever since many of us have been terrified. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 6, 2017 · 9:33 PM EST<br /></b>The failing @nytimes was forced to apologize to its subscribers for the poor reporting it did on my election win. Now they are worse!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM CST<br /></b>The following encore grievance of "The Government Apprentice" originally aired 1/28. (It was aired again on 2/4. And now, yet again ...) <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Feb 10, 2017 · 8:35 AM EST<br /></b>The failing @nytimes does major FAKE NEWS China story saying "Mr.Xi has not spoken to Mr. Trump since Nov.14." We spoke at length yesterday!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 10, 2017 · 12:22 PM CST<br /></b>If you want a broadsheet that can automatically update itself*, sir, read USA Today: http://bit.ly/2kuIR0D. (*Available starting in 2054.) <br /><br /><img class="the-image" height="177" src="https://newspapersinfiction.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/minority-report-1.gif" width="400" /><br /><br /></div><div><div>····················</div></div><div><br /></div><div><b><i>Feb 13, 2017 · 9:57 PM EST</i></b></div><div><i>Congratulations Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin! #ICYMI- watch here: <a href="https://t.co/RPsmw4yD7y" target="_blank">https://t.co/RPsmw4yD7y</a></i><br /><br /><b>Feb 13, 2017 · 10:47 PM CST<br /></b>Love these congratulatory banners for your Cabinet picks! Are you available for children's birthday parties? No? What about Michael Flynn?<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 15, 2017 · 7:19 AM EST<br /></b>Information is being illegally given to the failing @nytimes & @washingtonpost by the intelligence community (NSA and FBI?).Just like Russia</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 15, 2017 · 12:52 PM CST<br /></b>"And why is the failing @nytimes considered the world's greatest newspaper? Was there a vote? Did millions vote illegally? I want answers."<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 15, 2017 · 6:59 PM EST<br /></b>Venezuela should allow Leopoldo Lopez, a political prisoner & husband of @liliantintori (just met w/ @marcorubio) out of prison immediately.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNBSYpLe0wx3mqA06uwCjHMyOlKtwIinz94k5Ud7BIdLYqwQEADG0r9KVwNAVczBriEkm883zGNAy3NGLwY7uUU4mcmnLaJRH8H89AMahGfy0yer-6HUsv5UBywcJ0A_UJW9YhQ//" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNBSYpLe0wx3mqA06uwCjHMyOlKtwIinz94k5Ud7BIdLYqwQEADG0r9KVwNAVczBriEkm883zGNAy3NGLwY7uUU4mcmnLaJRH8H89AMahGfy0yer-6HUsv5UBywcJ0A_UJW9YhQ/w400-h268/MWD77M3S4Q77HNV6WDQ2XGAGQA.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>Feb 16, 2017 · 7:14 AM CST<br /></b>You and Vice President Pence look like you just apprehended Ms. Tintori. She's Venezuelan, not Mexican, guys. Calm down. <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Feb 16, 2017 · 9:39 AM EST<br /></b>The Democrats had to come up with a story as to why they lost the election, and so badly (306), so they made up a story - RUSSIA. Fake news!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 16, 2017 · 12:20 PM CST<br /></b>To paraphrase Kevin Arnold in the pilot episode of "The Wonder Years": "I don't want to kiss Russia! I don't even like Russia!" <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Feb 17, 2017 · 6:15 PM EST<br /></b>"One of the most effective press conferences I've ever seen!" says Rush Limbaugh. Many agree.Yet FAKE MEDIA calls it differently! Dishonest</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 18, 2017 · 3:03 PM CST<br /></b>Do you and Rush ever have sleepovers and stay up all night debating which of you is the least racist, least anti-Semitic person you know? <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 19, 2017 · 4:57 PM EST<br /></b>My statement as to what's happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden.</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 20, 2017 · 11:15 AM CST<br /></b>"Life is demanding without understanding ..." —Ace of Base, "The Sign" (1993)<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 24, 2017 · 10:09 PM EST<br /></b>FAKE NEWS media knowingly doesn't tell the truth. A great danger to our country. The failing @nytimes has become a joke. Likewise @CNN. Sad!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 24, 2017 · 10:13 PM CST<br /></b>Many years from now, when you're all grown up, you may regret some of the things you said as president of the United States of America. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 25, 2017 · 7:25 AM EST<br /></b>Maybe the millions of people who voted to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN should have their own rally. It would be the biggest of them all!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 25, 2017 · 8:10 PM CST<br /></b>Technically, the Popular Vote Rally would have 2,868,519 more attendees, but I prefer rallies with lots of elbow room, so count me in! <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 25, 2017 · 4:53 PM EST<br /></b>I will not be attending the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner this year. Please wish everyone well and have a great evening!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 25, 2017 · 8:41 PM CST<br /></b>Did you tell Steve and Vladimir it's not on a school night? Handlers can be so unfair.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Feb 26, 2017 · 6:33 AM EST<br /></b>The race for DNC Chairman was, of course, totally "rigged." Bernie's guy, like Bernie himself, never had a chance. Clinton demanded Perez!</i><br /><br /><b>Feb 26, 2017 · 8:50 AM CST<br /></b>If only Bernie's guy had had Russia on his side ...<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 3, 2017 · 11:41 AM EST<br /></b>Weekly Address Join me here: <a href="https://t.co/SEavQK5zy5" target="_blank">https://t.co/SEavQK5zy5</a></i><br /><br /><b>Mar 3, 2017 · 4:19 PM CST<br /></b>You drew Steve Bannon's face on your thumb and forefinger so he'd always be close by, didn't you?<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 3, 2017 · 3:48 PM EST<br /></b>We must fix our education system for our kids to Make America Great Again. Wonderful day at Saint Andrew in Orlando.</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 3, 2017 · 4:53 PM CST<br /></b>Earlier today you tweeted, "Nick Adams new book, Green Card Warrior, is a must read." Set an example for kids by fixing your punctuation. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 4, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST<br /></b>How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 4, 2017 · 7:00 AM CST<br /></b>... said the guy who keeps a Nixon-style "enemies list": <a href="https://t.co/wX1Z5ujmJD?amp=1" target="_blank">http://usat.ly/2fCJyls</a>.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 6, 2017 · 6:49 PM EST<br /></b>There is an incredible spirit of optimism sweeping the country right now—we're bringing back the JOBS!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 6, 2017 · 9:40 PM CST<br /></b>I agree! A new iPhone designed by a reanimated Steve Jobs would distract the country from your presidency for several minutes, "the Donald."<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 13, 2017 · 8:52 AM EST<br /></b>It is amazing how rude much of the media is to my very hard working representatives. Be nice, you will do much better!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 13, 2017 · 2:40 PM CST</b><br />I certainly wouldn't be able to keep a straight face while parroting your lies to millions of viewers. Better you than me, Sean et al.! <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 13, 2017 · 9:11 AM EST<br /></b>ObamaCare is imploding. It is a disaster and 2017 will be the worst year yet, by far! Republicans will come together and save the day.</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 13, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST<br /></b>"Save the day"? I know you think you're the Iron Man of the group, but with Bannon in the mix, you're just the Hulk minus a conscience.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 15, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST<br /></b>Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @SnoopDogg, failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 15, 2017 · 10:03 PM CST<br /></b>If everything (e.g., Snoop, Schwarzenegger, non-right-wing newspapers and cable-news networks) is failing, is anything failing? <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 15, 2017 · 7:29 AM EST<br /></b>Looking forward to a big rally in Nashville, Tennessee, tonight. Big crowd of great people expected. Will be fun!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 16, 2017 · 10:33 AM CST<br /></b>You correctly placed a comma after the state's name in a sentence with a city-state combo? Respect, yo ... until this tweet ends, at least. <br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Mar 20, 2017 · 6:49 AM EST<br /></b>The Democrats made up and pushed the Russian story as an excuse for running a terrible campaign. Big advantage in Electoral College & lost!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 20, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST<br /></b>Is that chip on your shoulder a souvenir from one of your failed casinos? <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 25, 2017 · 10:37 AM EST<br /></b>ObamaCare will explode and we will all get together and piece together a great healthcare plan for THE PEOPLE. Do not worry!</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 25, 2017 · 1:30 PM CST<br /></b>On March 7, 11, and 13 you tweeted that Obamacare was "imploding." Don't try to claim it's Opposite Day, because that was November 8. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Mar 26, 2017 · 9:04 PM EST<br /></b>General Kelly is doing a great job at the border. Numbers are way down. Many are not even trying to come in anymore.</i><br /><br /><b>Mar 27, 2017 · 5:25 PM CST<br /></b>I haven't been drugged, raped, or killed by a Mexican even once since you took office, President Trump. Thank you!<br /><br /><div><div>····················</div></div><br /><i><b>Apr 17, 2017 · 8:07 AM EST<br /></b>"The first 90 days of my presidency has exposed the total failure of the last eight years of foreign policy!" So true. @foxandfriends</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 17, 2017 · 3:28 PM CST<br /></b>Did President Trump just agree with one of his own quotes? "Sure looks like it." That's what I thought, @rwcass. #metamonday<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><b style="font-style: italic;">Apr 17, 2017 · 8:13 AM EST<br /></b><i>A great book for your reading enjoyment: "REASONS TO VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS" by Michael J. Knowles.<br /></i><br /><b>Apr 17, 2017 · 3:18 PM CST<br /></b>"I seriously doubt that Trump has ever read a book straight through in his adult life." —Tony Schwartz (<a href="https://t.co/7EOXvyRLgL?amp=1" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/29TM1s3</a>)<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 19, 2017 · 8:43 AM EST<br /></b>Dems failed in Kansas and are now failing in Georgia. Great job Karen Handel! It is now Hollywood vs. Georgia on June 20th.</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 20, 2017 · 1:24 PM CST<br /></b>Thanks for the update, Mr. Hollywood, but leave my home state alone. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 20, 2017 · 9:48 AM EST<br /></b>Failing @nytimes, which has been calling me wrong for two years, just got caught in a big lie concerning New England Patriots visit to W.H.</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 20, 2017 · 1:27 PM CST<br /></b>Bigger than the lie your good friend Bill O'Reilly was telling for 15 years? Doubtful.<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Apr 20, 2017 · 3:33 PM EST<br /></b>We're going to use American steel, we're going to use American labor, we are going to come first in all deals.</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 21, 2017 · 11:38 PM CST<br /></b>"Ask any of my wives, they'll you — I know everything there is to know about coming first."<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Apr 21, 2017 · 6:50 AM EST<br /></b>No matter how much I accomplish during the ridiculous standard of the first 100 days, & it has been a lot (including S.C.), media will kill!</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 21, 2017 · 11:41 PM CST</b><br />If "it" really was "a lot," you wouldn't be pointing out the one major thing you've accomplished since January 21, you big baby. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 23, 2017 · 3:48 PM EST<br /></b>New polls out today are very good considering that much of the media is FAKE and almost always negative. Would still beat Hillary in .....</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 24, 2017 · 11:06 PM CST<br /></b>"Would still beat Hillary in popular vote." You misunderstand "still" as an adverb, making me wish I were the adjective: "free from noise." <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 24, 2017 · 1:11 PM EST<br /></b>Join me in congratulating @NASA's @AstroPeggy by using the hashtag #CongratsPeggy! Earlier today:... https://t.co/AUdJgxXiT4</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 24, 2017 · 12:34 PM CST<br /></b>She knew before the call that you're president now, right? If not, that's a rude "Planet of the Apes"-level prank to play on someone, sir. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 28, 2017 · 10:40 PM EST<br /></b>.@LouDobbs just stated that "President Trump's successes are unmatched in recent presidential history" Thank you Lou!</i><br /><br /><b>May 5, 2017 · 11:30 AM CST<br /></b>"recent presidential history" = January 21, 2017-present <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>May 1, 2017 · 3:29 PM EST<br /></b>This month we celebrate the contributions of Asian Americans & Pacific Islanders that enrich our Nation.</i><br /><br /><b>May 5, 2017 · 11:53 AM CST<br /></b>"Next month we celebrate the end of the non-American Asian nation of North Korea. Remember, nothing lasts forever except the next 4 years." <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>May 4, 2017 · 7:02 AM EST<br /></b>The Fake News media is officially out of control. They will do or say anything in order to get attention - never been a time like this!</i><br /><br /><b>May 5, 2017 · 12:49 PM CST<br /></b>The new season of "House of Cards" debuts later this month, but "Pot Is the New Kettle and Both Are Black" is available to stream right now. <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>May 18, 2017 · 7:52 AM EST<br /></b>This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!</i><br /><br /><b>May 18, 2017 · 1:51 PM CST<br /></b>"Politicians are all talk and no action. It's true. All talk — it's all bullshit." —Donald J. Trump, 4/12/14 (<a href="https://t.co/k3wLlKRVgs?amp=1" target="_blank">http://cs.pn/2rjwA5B</a>)<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>May 28, 2017 · 8:45 AM EST<br /></b>....it is very possible that those sources don't exist but are made up by fake news writers. #FakeNews is the enemy!</i><br /><br /><b>May 30, 2017 · 7:20 AM CST<br /></b>"Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself" —headline on the Washington Post's website, 5/13/16 <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /></div><div><i><b>May 31, 2017 · 6:09 AM EST<br /></b>Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!</i><br /><br /><b>May 31, 2017 · 10:57 AM CST<br /></b>I assumed you meant "coverage." I also assumed the Ambien kicked in quicker than usual.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>May 31, 2017 · 9:08 AM EST<br /></b>I will be announcing my decision on the Paris Accord over the next few days. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!</i><br /><br /><b>May 31, 2017 · 11:19 AM CST<br /></b>"Minus New York and California, of course, since they'll be underwater soon, but they didn't vote for me anyway, so f**k 'em." <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jun 1, 2017 · 6:50 PM EST<br /></b>My job as President is to do everything within my power to give America a level playing field. #AmericaFirst</i><br /><br /><b>Jun 2, 2017 · 10:30 AM CST</b></div><div>Of course you care about the environment — no U.S. president has been more full of fertilizer or more willing to spread it around the globe.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jun 5, 2017 · 9:49 AM EST<br /></b>Pathetic excuse by London Mayor Sadiq Khan who had to think fast on his "no reason to be alarmed" statement. MSM is working hard to sell it!</i><br /><br /><b>Jun 5, 2017 · 9:25 AM CST<br /></b>Sounds like someone is jealous of a leader who actually can think fast. For more on your thought process ... </div><div><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="giphy-embed" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://giphy.com/embed/BBkKEBJkmFbTG" width="480"></iframe><br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jun 30, 2017 · 8:55 AM EST<br /></b>Watched low rated @Morning_Joe for first time in long time. FAKE NEWS. He called me to stop a National Enquirer article. I said no! Bad show</i><br /><br /><b>Jun 30, 2017 · 12:37 PM CST<br /></b>Thanks to you, the show's already high ratings were even higher today. For an example of a low rating, click here: <a href="https://t.co/K6lZzTYAjF?amp=1" target="_blank">https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/trump-approval-ratings/…</a>.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Aug 7, 2017 · 7:18 AM EST<br /></b>Hard to believe that with 24/7 #Fake News on CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, NYTIMES & WAPO, the Trump base is getting stronger!</i><br /><br /><b>Aug 8, 2017 · 1:38 PM CST<br /></b>Pretending to be two people by talking to yourself on Twitter (again) doesn't mean the "base" is expanding, sir.<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Aug 7, 2017 · 8:01 AM EST<br /></b>...conquests, how brave he was, and it was all a lie. He cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness like a child. Now he judges collusion?</i><br /><br /><b>Aug 8, 2017 · 1:50 PM CST<br /></b>For what it's worth, Mr. President, I judge your collusion to be sloppy but entertaining. (Thank you for finally 'fessing up, by the way.)<br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Aug 8, 2017 · 7:11 AM EST<br /></b>I will be holding a major briefing on the Opioid crisis, a major problem for our country, today at 3:00 P.M. in Bedminster, N.J.</i><br /><br /><b>Aug 8, 2017 · 2:03 PM CST<br /></b>"FOX & FRIENDS also just said United Airlines murdered a dog, so I'll be holding a major briefing on that major problem too. #ruffstuff"<br /><br /><div>····················</div> <br /><i><b>Aug 17, 2017 · 2:45 PM EST<br /></b>Study what General Pershing of the United States did to terrorists when caught. There was no more Radical Islamic Terror for 35 years!</i><br /><br /><b>Aug 18, 2017 · 12:31 PM CST<br /></b>Fast-forward to 115 years from now: "Study what President Trump of the United States did. There was no more United States." <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Apr 13, 2018 · 8:01 AM EST<br /></b>James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR. Virtually everyone in Washington thought he should be fired for the terrible job he did-until he was, in fact, fired. He leaked CLASSIFIED information, for which he should be prosecuted. He lied to Congress under OATH. He is a weak and.....</i><br /><br /><b>Apr 13, 2018 · 1:45 PM CST</b><br />Weren't those Russian prostitutes proven leakers five years ago? I don't see you condemning them. (If they told you, "Camera add 20 pounds to your manly physique, Mr. 'Apprentice,'" then they're proven liars too.) <br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jun 26, 2018 · 8:17 AM EST</b><br />A Harley-Davidson should never be built in another country-never! Their employees and customers are already very angry at them. If they move, watch, it will be the beginning of the end - they surrendered, they quit! The Aura will be gone and they will be taxed like never before!</i><br /><br /><b>Jun 26, 2018 · 12:53 PM CST</b><br />This 1984 Serge Gainsbourg song is probably the closest you're going to get to agreeing with the French on something: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc6tt9vkHEY.</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/sc6tt9vkHEY" width="520"></iframe><br /><br /><div>····················</div><br /><i><b>Jun 26, 2018 · 10:40 AM EST<br /></b>SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS TRUMP TRAVEL BAN. Wow!</i><br /><br /><b>Jun 26, 2018 · 1:09 PM CST<br /></b>DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Wow! Sigh. Uggghhh ...</div></div></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-60011118295983727952020-09-28T17:18:00.050-05:002021-01-14T06:21:03.989-06:00adult children who should neither be seen nor heard<p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn76FGEFFYiq22boqBAZrsFYLiRaUi3mV81Rgmzh0zxKOWkD2Zx2M3-l74Smn6k3Y7cXbdpubWIw7M1yfIzvJ9LQ7CzWVrz5CMlNG23YGm4ATAjhAr4vrcXFWt4HjnJhM6R3dt7A//"><img alt="" data-original-height="518" data-original-width="1186" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn76FGEFFYiq22boqBAZrsFYLiRaUi3mV81Rgmzh0zxKOWkD2Zx2M3-l74Smn6k3Y7cXbdpubWIw7M1yfIzvJ9LQ7CzWVrz5CMlNG23YGm4ATAjhAr4vrcXFWt4HjnJhM6R3dt7A/w400-h175/Screen+Shot+2020-12-16+at+7.56.33+AM+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Any first graders out there who know the difference between "then" and "than"? If you do, then you're one step ahead of Donald Trump Jr. <p></p><p>Do you also know that there's only one president of the United States? I'm not sure Trump II: The Revenge does—his mention of "a president of the United States" makes me worry about his comprehension of basic facts. (Which means he's a chip off the old block, of course.)</p><p>And do you know that DJT2: SOB has <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/16/us/donald-trump-jr-biden-smear.html" target="_blank">accused his father's competition for (the) president, former Vice President Joe Biden, of being a pedophile</a>? Yet here he is on Twitter, casually mentioning that he knows first graders.</p><p>As children tend to say, he who smelt it dealt it.</p>(One of Trump Jr.'s daughters is currently in first grade, I believe. If she's running for class president, I guess it's sweet that daddy dearest is offering her free campaign advice, but did she ever think to ask if Karl Rove is available?)<p></p>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-75796248617800876052020-03-09T21:16:00.014-05:002021-08-28T10:14:01.835-05:00the gentleman assassin (R.I.P. Max von Sydow, 1929-2020)One of my favorite movie moments arrives in the first act of Sydney Pollack's <i><a href="http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-infatuation-with-three-days-of.html" target="_blank">Three Days of the Condor</a></i>, when Max von Sydow's assassin, Joubert, is leading the massacre of Joe Turner's (Robert Redford) CIA colleagues. The last one still standing, Janice (Tina Chen), is asked, gently, by Joubert to move away from the windows.<div><br /></div><div>"I won't scream," she says.</div><div><br /></div><div>"I know," he replies, and von Sydow delivers the line in an almost paternal way. Nothing personal—just business.</div><div><br /></div><div>Joubert is one of the most memorable "bad guys" in any movie I've seen, and although Pollack's go-to script doctor, David Rayfiel, gives him some great dialogue, von Sydow is the reason why Joubert becomes the most three-dimensional character in the film. He steals <i>Three Days of the Condor</i> from his top-billed costars in the most gentlemanly fashion possible.</div>
<div><br /></div><div><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/pqQIFu0jj34" width="520"></iframe></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-13425782861331382132019-09-24T21:58:00.214-05:002022-09-12T13:45:31.150-05:00"We're artists, so we understand."<div>Posted earlier today on <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/lifestyle/lifestyle-news/demi-moore-discovering-ashton-kutchers-affair-google-alert-1242881/" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">The Hollywood Reporter</a>'s website:</div><div><br /></div><i>To promote her new memoir, </i>Inside Out<i>, Demi Moore sat down with Diane Sawyer in an interview that will roll out in multiple parts this week on ABC's </i>Good Morning America<i>. During Tuesday's second installment, Moore, 56, opened up about her split from ex-husband Ashton Kutcher, 41, which she described as "devastating."</i><br /><br /><i>Among other revelations, the actress shared that she discovered Kutcher was "caught cheating" from a Google Alert on her cellphone. San Diego-based administrative assistant Sara Leal shared intimate details of her interactions with Kutcher, which took place in 2011 during the actor's marriage to Moore, in an interview with </i>Us Weekly<i>. (Kutcher and Moore wed in 2005 and finalized their divorce in 2013.)</i><br /><br /><i>Moore told Sawyer that she immediately called Kutcher and "asked if it was true." Moore went on to say that Kutcher "admitted it right away." She recounted, "And I think my response was, 'Are you fucking kidding me?' That was it. And I think I could barely take a breath" ...</i><div><br /></div><div>Published on January 16, 2011, in the <i>Chicago Sun-Times</i>:<br /><br /><i>Demi Moore is a string that's most definitely attached. She is the one on her husband Ashton Kutcher's mind when he does a sex scene in a movie ...</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMk1Mv5K-t0AOzsIjlZH1B9rjxjWXxZDFLOLQdJv8aLQvy56wu7k-WD5LA8nSjKfcWgSkLiKOgBN9LGLaoCTLvat2-krPV1usZkhyphenhyphenniYZgb0lMV8FYlxTeywOuAKCNpH1GvbcWwQ/s825/urp-00742.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="518" data-original-width="825" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMk1Mv5K-t0AOzsIjlZH1B9rjxjWXxZDFLOLQdJv8aLQvy56wu7k-WD5LA8nSjKfcWgSkLiKOgBN9LGLaoCTLvat2-krPV1usZkhyphenhyphenniYZgb0lMV8FYlxTeywOuAKCNpH1GvbcWwQ/s320/urp-00742.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>"You know, I really think that whomever you're with as a partner does need to be your friend, too," Kutcher says. "All the really successful, happy relationships I know of feature two people who are together as friends, too. I don't know if sex always has to have feelings, but friendship always does. If you're friends, you will have feelings of some sort" ...</i></div><div><i><br />"There is so much that's not said about sex in our country," he says. "I do a lot of work on human trafficking. I connect with girls who end up in this trade partially because of lack of education about sex" ...<br /><br />Kutcher says that there is no issue with his actress wife when it comes to onscreen romance with others.</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>"We're artists, so we understand," he says.</i></div><div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>But when it comes to offscreen romance with others, Moore should've realized that sex doesn't always have to have feelings, and neither do husbands, who may be reserving all of their feelings for girls they connect with who need to be educated about sex. <br /><br />Do 22-year-old administrative assistants count, even if you have sex with them on the sixth anniversary of your wedding to Demi Moore (<a href="https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/sarah-leal-how-ashton-kutcher-seduced-me-20111110/" target="_blank">according to the administrative assistant in question</a>, who, unfortunately for Kutcher, didn't leave much unsaid about sex when speaking to <i>Us Weekly</i>)? Sara Leal is a human, after all, who probably had to fight San Diego traffic on occasion in order to get to work on time.<br /><br />The syndicated <i>Sun-Times</i> puff piece quoted above centered on <i>No Strings Attached</i>, a romantic comedy pairing Kutcher and Natalie Portman as friends with benefits. It debuted in theaters six months before <i>Friends With Benefits</i>, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and eight months before Kutcher demonstrated how much he valued his friendship with his wife by immediately confessing that he'd connected with a human who's sat in traffic.<br /><br /><i>No Strings Attached</i> earned $70 million at the domestic box office, about $15 million more than <i>Friends With Benefits</i>, but the latter won the international race in a photo finish with a total of $149.5 million, about $300,000 more than the former. And Kutcher began dating Kunis, his former <i>That '70s Show</i> costar, the following year — they got married in 2015 — because listening to non-celebrity humans complain about traffic gets old real fast. </div><div><br /></div><div>That's one benefit you should give exclusively to friends.</div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-52918815089441375292019-08-10T11:35:00.019-05:002022-02-06T15:09:35.509-06:00Orgies give me the blues.<div><i>When a woman gets in trouble, everybody throws her down</i></div><i>Lookin' for her good friend, none can be found</i><br /><i>You'd better <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPkSNWNsUHg" target="_blank">come on in my kitchen</a></i><br /><i>Baby, it's going to be rainin' outdoors</i><br /><br /><i>But now my kitchen's full of people I've never seen before</i><br /><i>You say you met them online to talk about </i>amour<br /><i>And now they're takin' their clothes off, they're startin' to sweat</i><br /><i>It ain't rainin' in my kitchen, but the floor sho' is wet</i>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-81298549776983782672019-07-18T16:40:00.017-05:002021-02-01T11:10:41.225-06:00I'm semi-ashamed of my museum shaming.<i>"[Ronald Shusett] originally conceived [</i>Total Recall<i>], which is based on Philip K. Dick's short story, 'We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,' a year before writing </i>Alien<i> with Dan O'Bannon. It was a script so powerful that it became legendary, so ambitious it was for years considered unfilmable. Yet it was nearly shot several times, with Patrick Swayze, Christopher Reeve, even with Arnold Schwarzenegger under Dino De Laurentiis. Powerhouse directors like David Cronenbrerg and Bruce Beresford have come and gone, each leaving their imprint on the script's development."<br /><br />—Will Murray, "Postcards from Mars," </i>Starlog<i> magazine, May 1990</i><br /><br />It turns out that <a href="https://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2019/05/museum-shaming.html" target="_blank">the Art Institute of Chicago placard</a> that stated that Gretchen Bender's 1987 work is "named after the Paul Verhoeven film" isn't inaccurate, but it's still confusing, because Verhoeven wasn't hired to direct <i>Total Recall</i> until the year after Bender's work premiered ("named <i>before</i> the Paul Verhoeven film" would probably have only made things more confusing). According to <a href="https://www.artnews.com/art-in-america/features/wholesale-memories-62898/" target="_blank"><i>Art in America</i> magazine</a>, "Bender's work was completed and made public before the director's 1990 Hollywood blockbuster, which the artist read production notices about in movie industry trade papers and from which she cribbed the title." <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS-eTPWL3-lARD8tn0EvKnNJHet1HQNpOmPJBORfJS7croKaGRvuAK8082wjAI1jEQ-AdUhYEpgv3NXZgM9bDicKaiQzCtuGwl1x83bUkUMd6mlC_PcrLddwtQae0H57Bm69lGhg/s935/movie-script-total-recall_1_22c1fc67543d12b3f71a87b365b1208d.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="935" data-original-width="660" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS-eTPWL3-lARD8tn0EvKnNJHet1HQNpOmPJBORfJS7croKaGRvuAK8082wjAI1jEQ-AdUhYEpgv3NXZgM9bDicKaiQzCtuGwl1x83bUkUMd6mlC_PcrLddwtQae0H57Bm69lGhg/s320/movie-script-total-recall_1_22c1fc67543d12b3f71a87b365b1208d.jpg" /></a></div>However, from what I found online, Bruce Beresford was attached to direct <i>Total Recall</i> throughout 1987, but producer Dino De Laurentiis's financing kept falling through. (Beresford then directed <i>Her Alibi</i> and <i>Driving Miss Daisy</i>, both released in '89, in quick succession.) David Cronenberg took the job after Beresford quit, but he soon bowed out as well, and then Arnold Schwarzenegger, who first read the film's script while making <i>Commando</i> (1985), convinced Verhoeven to do it.<br /><br />Want to be more confused? Allow <a href="https://redbullarts.com/newyork/news/total-recall-screenings/" target="_blank">Red Bull Arts</a> to pour you its version of the story: <br /><br /><i>"Although her work debuted three years ahead of the movie’s release, Bender's title comes from the Paul Verhoeven film </i>Total Recall<i> (1984), which is based on the Philip K. Dick short story 'We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.'"</i><br /> <br />So, if you want to forget how time and math work and subtract three years instead of adding three, drink Red Bull.<br /><br /><div>Remembering things, wholesale or otherwise, can be a tricky business.</div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-16131068544318860962019-06-14T17:21:00.063-05:002021-08-28T10:14:52.414-05:00Dear Guy Who Knows a Few Grammar Rules But Isn't an Authority by Any Means ...<div><b>Q:</b> You're the first person I thought of to know the answer to this. My wife was wondering at breakfast how to say, "I very much would like to see that movie," but using the word "bad" or "badly." </div><div><br /></div><div>Is it "I want to see it bad?" or "I want to see it badly?"</div>
<br />
We're stuck on the fact that the latter option could mean "I want to see it without skill." But the first option just sounds ... bad. <br />
<br />
Thank you, sir!<br /><br /><b>A:</b> Both options are correct, apparently:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2010/10/bad-badly.html">https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2010/10/bad-badly.html</a><br />
<br />I think "badly" is the better choice on paper, but "bad" sounds, and feels, better when spoken.<br />
<br />
Paul McCartney, can you give us a definitive answer in the form of an '80s earworm?<br />
<div><br /></div><div><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/ycXpx46plpQ" width="520"></iframe><br /><br /><div>Thank you, Sir Paul.<br />
<br />
The other day I had to look up "lay" vs. "lie" for the millionth time. I just need to remember from now on that the Replacements were grammatically correct when they sang <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GqA16ZlN1I" target="_blank">"Lay It Down Clown"</a> and Eric Clapton was incorrect when he sang <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAM4zQQVzG0" target="_blank">"Lay Down Sally,"</a> because Sally is the subject, and the subject can only <i>lie</i> down even though Sally could <i>lay</i> objects down, clown, if she wanted.<br /></div></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-52880408970665127062019-05-08T09:07:00.000-05:002019-05-08T09:06:59.993-05:00museum shamingI'm no artist, but I do know that "18 NOV 08" doesn't equal "About 2010." You've officially been museum shamed, Art Institute of Chicago placard makers! (And Gregg Bordowitz's first name is spelled with three Gs, so you've officially been friend and/or colleague shamed, Jack Whitten!)<div>
<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVy8FkT5GonKaFb2daBt5R_Jb_P-IMjKRTHYB1kjco-4SvrscnRGjgClIpzkZtnKa3GQMGh7izwO-s3cSYAnDKcdJasxYoTiDs-y1uEDMDPYPUvUNZRLeUJeRJpMsONb74Ow_lPw/s1600/IMG_8486.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVy8FkT5GonKaFb2daBt5R_Jb_P-IMjKRTHYB1kjco-4SvrscnRGjgClIpzkZtnKa3GQMGh7izwO-s3cSYAnDKcdJasxYoTiDs-y1uEDMDPYPUvUNZRLeUJeRJpMsONb74Ow_lPw/s400/IMG_8486.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
To the Art Institute's credit, I've only noticed one other factual error on a placard in the 16 years that I've lived in Chicago: last August I viewed a 1987 multimedia installation of Gretchen Bender's titled <i>Total Recall</i>, which, according to its placard, is "named after the Paul Verhoeven film." If that were true Bender would be a time traveler, because Verhoeven's film, based on a short story by science fiction writer Philip K. Dick, came out in 1990.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOxRStarYKB4wQ3pkKj8ectVK-wqzABkP-j2CUES53piKtHttaxzH6QhBlrNXqwqTaz4CXqWTLx_uobitM90M3LvRhfgwCuh7zsoNiKZbzcdYh0KkJ4yNUn5sPI-8j2dgSUGiAg/s1600/IMG_7926.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOxRStarYKB4wQ3pkKj8ectVK-wqzABkP-j2CUES53piKtHttaxzH6QhBlrNXqwqTaz4CXqWTLx_uobitM90M3LvRhfgwCuh7zsoNiKZbzcdYh0KkJ4yNUn5sPI-8j2dgSUGiAg/s640/IMG_7926.jpeg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div>
</div>
</div>
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-56440884566525263892019-04-29T08:33:00.000-05:002019-04-29T08:33:18.121-05:00"We're not actors, mister! I assume you've heard of the Avengers priority card?"Disney bought Marvel Studios ten years ago, putting it in charge of the big-screen adventures of Iron Man and his fellow Avengers. Disney's acquisition of the film and TV assets of 21st Century Fox was finalized last month, meaning it's also now in charge of Marvel characters whose big-screen rights were previously owned by Fox, including the Thing and the rest of his supergroup, the Fantastic Four.<br />
<br />
Comcast, which owns Universal Pictures, the studio behind the <i>Jurassic Park</i> and <i>Jurassic World</i> movies, attempted to outbid Disney for Fox's assets last year. One day soon Disney may be rich enough to swallow Comcast whole, and if that happens don't be surprised if the March 1983 issue of <i>Marvel Two-in-One</i> makes a synergistic leap from the page to the screen.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicUoBeF1hwZvufryg3m68EfWy43etjPF9M5B_wSYAyKpah2kz6_7Dw6YxDFbpW8FSUiu5bpmQHZWYzfPQspWlC-J8WBQQ-1ntwdIwEt3TpeCHh4AOYsE7hiN0GHETe2r4Y-hTN4Q/s1600/Marvel+Two-in-One%252C+March+1983+%2528cover%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1036" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicUoBeF1hwZvufryg3m68EfWy43etjPF9M5B_wSYAyKpah2kz6_7Dw6YxDFbpW8FSUiu5bpmQHZWYzfPQspWlC-J8WBQQ-1ntwdIwEt3TpeCHh4AOYsE7hiN0GHETe2r4Y-hTN4Q/s640/Marvel+Two-in-One%252C+March+1983+%2528cover%2529.jpg" width="414" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtxjczXl1X-v-cDnuXCAKc-2viGuekjvVrOEu0KyPTlTb0NU4ahdMBMyDo0lvQA7dkDGLVeYyLGkz7sD_IwdKu8uULX0oKBmQvvrionrsuRlhHq0slJwvunqrRwpL_hPukDH_IjQ/s1600/Marvel+Two-in-One%252C+March+1983.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1079" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtxjczXl1X-v-cDnuXCAKc-2viGuekjvVrOEu0KyPTlTb0NU4ahdMBMyDo0lvQA7dkDGLVeYyLGkz7sD_IwdKu8uULX0oKBmQvvrionrsuRlhHq0slJwvunqrRwpL_hPukDH_IjQ/s640/Marvel+Two-in-One%252C+March+1983.jpg" width="430" /></a></div>
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-53967724870619702202019-03-28T06:43:00.000-05:002019-05-08T12:35:56.214-05:00Play ball! (Or just read about an animated, scripted version of it.)<i>The following is (most of) an excerpt from longtime </i>Simpsons<i> writer Mike Reiss's book, </i><a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/9780062748034/springfield-confidential/" target="_blank">Springfield Confidential</a><i>, a Christmas gift from my dad, about the show's 1992 episode "Homer at the Bat":</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDjw5jV3UIdAuJLcKKm9iSy2rr61OMhkD2HJ_2xuR4zs-3hiQvUq6f_oMuPIB0iib1vJItxhBt49b9E7GyMmb_LVbTHS8xnysAymW_Eu3j8l2ubsJjH4VhGyClqn7CP6ZaUqMZfQ/s1600/x800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="648" data-original-width="430" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDjw5jV3UIdAuJLcKKm9iSy2rr61OMhkD2HJ_2xuR4zs-3hiQvUq6f_oMuPIB0iib1vJItxhBt49b9E7GyMmb_LVbTHS8xnysAymW_Eu3j8l2ubsJjH4VhGyClqn7CP6ZaUqMZfQ/s320/x800.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
Everyone on staff loved sports ... except me. But I served a purpose—I represented everyone's wives and mothers in the audience. I'd be the lone voice saying, "Will everyone get this joke about Mordecai 'Three Finger' Brown?" Yes, I was the Staff Girl.<br />
<br />
... We cast nine real-life baseball players (only Rickey Henderson and Ryne Sandberg turned us down), and [<i>Simpsons</i> writer John] Swartzwelder created quick, crazy stories for each of them:<br />
<br />
* Ozzie Smith visits the Springfield Mystery Spot and plunges into a bottomless pit.<br />
* Roger Clemens gets hypnotized and thinks he's a chicken.<br />
* Wade Boggs gets into a fistfight over who was a better British prime minister, Lord Palmerston or Pitt the Elder.<br />
* Ken Griffey Jr. overdoses on nerve tonic and gets gigantism. (Is that even a thing?)<br />
* José Canseco does something nice for someone. (This one really stretched credibility.)<br />
<br />
... It was a very different <i>Simpsons</i> episode, including the fact that the Simpsons are barely in it. Here, the guest stars were running the asylum.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, our cast didn't like the show. Our table reading of the script bombed utterly. Two of our actors complained about the script, the only time this has ever happened. <br />
<br />
The baseball players were much easier to deal with. Don Mattingly had the only gripe: his character makes his first appearance wearing an apron and washing dishes. "Do I have to do this?" he moaned.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, it's in the script, it can't be changed," [Reiss’s then co-head writer] Al Jean lied.<br />
<br />
"Okay," Mattingly grumbled.<br />
<br />
The players were surprisingly good actors. Mike Scioscia could be a real professional; in voice acting, you never know who's going to have the gift.<br />
<br />
... And then there was Ken Griffey Jr. He got angry because he didn't understand his line "There's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited." (If he had understood it, he'd have been <i>really</i> angry.) Adding to the pressure, his father, Ken Griffey Sr., was there trying to coach him through the line, and it wasn't helping.<br />
<br />
The room was going to implode, so that's when they called in me, the Staff Girl. Since I didn't really know who Griffey was, they figured I wouldn't be intimidated by him. Al shoved me into the tiny recording booth. This instantly became my new worst fear: to be locked in a small glass booth with a large angry man; and I couldn't get out until I made him say a vaguely homoerotic line.<br />
<br />
It took a few takes, but we got the line. Decades later, Griffey appeared in a mockumentary about the episode—he's become a much better actor.<br />
<br />
Despite the misgivings of the cast, "Homer at the Bat" was a huge hit. It was the first time we beat our competition, <i>The Cosby Show</i>. We beat Cosby several more times after that; within two years his show was off the air. <i>[Actually, </i>The Cosby Show<i> went off the air two months later, having lasted eight seasons.</i><i> Check your stats, Reiss! —me]</i><br />
<br />
... The episode is still remembered fondly. In May 2017, Homer was inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Wade Boggs, Steve Sax, and Ozzie Smith showed up at the ceremony. Smith said the number one question he gets asked is "How did you escape the Springfield Mystery Spot?" Boggs said he still sticks up for the Pitt the Elder.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/IAJHDiO8Fr0" width="520"></iframe><br />Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-42965038140556567132019-02-09T17:00:00.000-06:002019-05-24T23:18:30.508-05:00Randy Newman channeling Albert BrooksNewman's performance of "My Life Is Good," from his 1983 album, <i>Trouble in Paradise</i>, reminds me of <a href="http://popdose.com/popdose-flashback-the-comedy-albums-of-albert-brooks/" target="_blank">Brooks</a> at his most comically excited and/or desperate in his movies as (co)writer-director-star, especially 1985's <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf2q0HemaFs" target="_blank">Lost in America</a></i>. It wouldn't surprise me if they're old friends, but I have no idea. (Messrs. Newman and Brooks, if you're reading this, please confirm or deny the existence and/or length of your friendship by leaving a comment.)<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/vDLWz2lt9kA" width="520"></iframe>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-69120059078947157422019-02-04T23:15:00.015-06:002022-02-07T11:27:39.902-06:00We like the way you move, pop stars, not the way you discuss social justice.The traditional pre-Super Bowl press conference for musicians performing at the halftime show was canceled last Tuesday by the NFL, which stated that "the artists will let their show do the talking."<br /><br />During last night's halftime show Maroon 5 played three songs from their first album, which became a hit in 2003, while Big Boi sang "The Way You Move," also a hit that year.<br /><br />And oh, what a year it was!<br /><br />L.A. Rams quarterback Jared Goff turned nine years old, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was on his way to winning his second Super Bowl, and no one outside of central California knew who future ex-San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was, thereby allowing our nation's conscience to be clean—until we discovered that our nation's government had lied to us about its reasons for invading Iraq that year.<br /><br />But all is forgiven, because bringing a foreign country to its knees is still less offensive to many Americans than taking a knee to protest police officers who bring black men to their knees with physical force or even bullets.
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-88959153870145475422019-01-24T21:50:00.000-06:002019-05-17T21:26:51.486-05:00Does this e-mail subject heading count as a mixed metaphor?It can be hard to say goodbye to old technology, but it's much harder to retire <a href="https://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2014/05/vhs-choice-of-older-sexier-generation.html" target="_blank">the phrases that spring from it</a>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK7wCIL1-ApwW2-960TltOGsTnTnlHpWWBiKWwR8_HV4-XDyshaNLpHx9U1GS6H7znwgDZBRPsLybq-mgI9osn4UpZfRdW2yvlfBcC96wTclKifFojA-_cvADu607fXeJzwmIegg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2019-01-23+at+12.39.23+PM+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="49" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK7wCIL1-ApwW2-960TltOGsTnTnlHpWWBiKWwR8_HV4-XDyshaNLpHx9U1GS6H7znwgDZBRPsLybq-mgI9osn4UpZfRdW2yvlfBcC96wTclKifFojA-_cvADu607fXeJzwmIegg/s400/Screen+Shot+2019-01-23+at+12.39.23+PM+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-18299966614863599532018-12-05T22:58:00.112-06:002022-02-06T15:06:44.026-06:00L is for "loss" (financially speaking, anyway).<i>"I've never learned from success," he says. "'Get Lucky' allowed me to get a record deal for the new Chic album, but I couldn't tell you how to make that song again. Things just line up right." He frowns. "As a producer, I help an artist make a record that I'd want to hear as a fan. But I had no idea 'Get Lucky' would be so huge. It's always up and down. The way you know you're good is if there are more ups than downs ... Let me play you something." He finds a YouTube video for a creamy Al Jarreau ballad from 1986 called "Across the Midnight Sky." "</i>L Is for Lover<i> is the album," he says. "It's the best thing I ever made that didn't sell." He plays air guitar along with himself. "The theme from </i>Moonlighting<i> was on it, but Al and I thought it wasn't cool enough. So we took it off the album. That becomes a hit, and the album sank. Shows what I know."</i><div><br /></div><div><i>—from "The Deep Hidden Meaning of Nile Rodgers" by David Marchese, </i>New York<i> magazine, July 27, 2015</i><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgV9rATsp_Z6NNc6JbMAi4KrPTwMnnJvPPyQMM7IfeHhCkqJIDqW9VLNU2llk1xyLcif9d31ivKL0aBQKKgJL0wOxQZGXR9Exf6swgAvk3mCOZMkKHHkWyLxZkFpzUheJkhOY4u2NLfdaSRuviwo3blJsYT7wXhz93ax6ldVA56HZFhJi-21i4=s1000" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgV9rATsp_Z6NNc6JbMAi4KrPTwMnnJvPPyQMM7IfeHhCkqJIDqW9VLNU2llk1xyLcif9d31ivKL0aBQKKgJL0wOxQZGXR9Exf6swgAvk3mCOZMkKHHkWyLxZkFpzUheJkhOY4u2NLfdaSRuviwo3blJsYT7wXhz93ax6ldVA56HZFhJi-21i4=w320-h320" width="320" /></a></div>To my non-golden ears, every song on <i>L Is for Lover</i>, which has a flawless side one and is my favorite of Jarreau's albums, could've appeared on <i><a href="http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2007/12/recently-my-friend-beau-told-me-that.html" target="_blank">Moonlighting</a></i> and fit the general atmosphere of the show—except for "Across the Midnight Sky," which sounds like something Robert Guillaume might've pressured the producers of <i>Benson</i> into letting him perform on a "Benson and the rest of the governor's staff go to Las Vegas for some reason" type of episode late in that series's run.<br /><br />I wonder why Rodgers and Jarreau thought <i>Moonlighting</i>'s theme song "wasn't cool enough." Rodgers also says on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylpMA71SEg4%22%20%5Ct%20%22_blank">YouTube</a>, in the comments under the posting of "Across the Midnight Sky" that's mentioned in the <i>New York</i> article, "I love this cut and this album. It's one of my greatest works. It would have been a smash had we not given 'Moonlighting' to Irving Azoff for a TV soundtrack album that was a huge hit and 'Moonlighting' was the single. I've made many dumb moves in my career. That was a huge one."<br /><br />But <i>L Is for Lover</i> came out in September of '86, whereas the <i>Moonlighting</i> soundtrack album wasn't released until after the '86-'87 season had ended; my <i>Billboard Top 40 Hits</i> book lists Jarreau's theme-song single as entering the Top 40 on July 4, so I would imagine the album followed soon after. That version of the theme song wasn't used in the show's opening credits until the fall of '87, so maybe the inclusion of <i>Moonlighting</i>'s theme on <i>L Is for Lover</i> wasn't possible once ABC or Azoff, then the president of MCA Records, decided that the updated version should be held back to promote the soundtrack, released on MCA.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>As with a lot of <i>Moonlighting</i>-related minutiae, the truth is probably buried in a 30-year-old filing cabinet somewhere in Culver City.<br /><br />(In some countries the B-side of the <i>Moonlighting</i> theme's single was "Golden Girl," a track from <i>L Is for Lover</i>. Were any customers fooled into thinking that Jarreau had also recorded the theme song to NBC's <i>The Golden Girls</i>, which tied <i>Moonlighting</i> in 1987 with 14 Emmy nominations?)</div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-1166456933433960622018-11-26T23:07:00.000-06:002019-05-12T13:18:52.424-05:00Word of the Day, brought to you by Paul ManafortHow convenient ...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQOqJLdlY6SzFyAxx7DWHOHzPVUzNFu_d5EHi9yVtQXO3OswH5lJLMqhhodKKN-2NNoR0aQp6a0VL9nUzsM-KCTE1_CJRbrYT6CUH1VZF5ovPhSeXzlcZ5nXUBq-l1PhbiMJ4WsQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-11-26+at+10.50.27+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQOqJLdlY6SzFyAxx7DWHOHzPVUzNFu_d5EHi9yVtQXO3OswH5lJLMqhhodKKN-2NNoR0aQp6a0VL9nUzsM-KCTE1_CJRbrYT6CUH1VZF5ovPhSeXzlcZ5nXUBq-l1PhbiMJ4WsQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-11-26+at+10.50.27+PM.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-35438883546216324372018-10-17T22:29:00.004-05:002022-02-07T11:38:55.077-06:00liberals and conservatives (part two)"[Acting] is a little bit of 'Look at me, look at me,' I suppose, but I don't think that's all of it. A lot of the rest of it is just experiencing all of the other stuff that you're going to experience: What is it like to be a killer, what is it like to be a slave, what is it like to be a prince, what is it like to be Hitler? How do you play that? Where do you find that in yourself? I think it's the reason that most artists tend to be liberal as opposed to conservative. There are more conservative liberals and there are more liberal conservatives, but it's very hard to walk in other people's shoes and not have a little more understanding of what it's like, in a certain way, if you spend your life being other people and trying to see the world through their eyes. In some way all liberal arts teach you compassion—they can't avoid that."<br /><br />—<a href="http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2008/05/creation.html" target="_blank">Sydney Pollack</a>, from the documentary <a href="https://vimeo.com/42797475" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">Character</a> (2009)Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-63308256967044850122018-09-28T21:42:00.000-05:002019-05-02T09:49:01.748-05:00liberals and conservatives"Whenever I feel bad, I go to the library and read controversial periodicals. Though I do not know whether I am a liberal or a conservative, I am nevertheless enlivened by the hatred which one bears the other. In fact, this hatred strikes me as one of the few signs of life remaining in the world. This is another thing about the world which is upside-down: all the friendly and likable people seem dead to me; only the haters seem alive."<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
—from Walker Percy's first novel, <i>The Moviegoer</i> (1961)</div>
Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22507409.post-84718954349807841332018-06-20T20:23:00.043-05:002022-01-31T09:43:26.601-06:00Face the facts contained in the book full of lies.<div><i>Political discourse got a whole lot uglier during the two-year period covered here (June 2016-May 2018), and so followed the discourse on Facebook. But at least President Trump provides a lot of great material for jokes, right? Yeah ... of course ... totally worth it ...</i></div><div><b><br /></b></div><b>1.</b> House Speaker Paul Ryan, commenting on his endorsement of Donald Trump for president, told the Associated Press, "My goal is to make sure we are unified before the fall." The 2012 Republican nominee for vice president then coughed, but according to a congressional aide who asked not to be named, "I could've sworn I heard him say, 'Of democracy.'"<div><br /><b>2.</b> "Trump says comments on judge 'misconstrued' as an attack against people of Mexican heritage," reports the Associated Press. "This isn't at all like when I said that Mexicans are rapists and drug dealers," the Republican presidential candidate explained, "which, come to think of it, was almost a year ago. Wow ... can you believe this campaign of mine has gone the distance? It's surreal, almost like something out of a Luis Buñuel movie. And didn't he make some of his movies in Mexico? Maybe not 'Belle de Jour,' but remember that weird scene where Catherine Deneuve fantasizes about her husband telling two other men to rape her? The movie's a comedy, for Christ's sake! Seriously, what the hell was Buñuel smoking? Something illegal, I bet, and therefore Mexico is full of rapists and drug dealers who want nothing more than to sneak their intellectually provocative art films into our country. I told you so."</div><div><br /><b>3.</b> Hooray! My 30th-anniversary copy of "Yakov Smirnoff's 1,001 Jokes About the Differences Between America and the Soviet Union" has arrived!</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjhfAlEM6Kc0-_qoHLVg0PCn2vY7oXqteHrk42xzAnUl9tJvxAfRQ30m6qXtGpniWIN6gxpLdQymBSb4PKrbVumykWj8t8WfkDg6aMhQbtLBjpjOtcTiTJfDQD5IMXNoTxX8e7pe6jJAx4esW4uwdWt_uLW25B07fWMRSwvgWCKb3V_7nlmB2s" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjhfAlEM6Kc0-_qoHLVg0PCn2vY7oXqteHrk42xzAnUl9tJvxAfRQ30m6qXtGpniWIN6gxpLdQymBSb4PKrbVumykWj8t8WfkDg6aMhQbtLBjpjOtcTiTJfDQD5IMXNoTxX8e7pe6jJAx4esW4uwdWt_uLW25B07fWMRSwvgWCKb3V_7nlmB2s=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>4.</b> "I'm so hungry I could eat a coworker" is a common expression at my job.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiP3jTrODI1H5y8HiC1AkBfALvSwFj7o82iUPPltc1ZNlnmXrFJDVgM1OjvzktXOEAJ0f20ks9AEkDsOkPmc0PyR5cuoPeSo1yJYB9_faDL5xZnJPbZO4bCjD29gxfdEQOIgujKS4pGYoyy-I7BwRllYjrZ12w0uezwGYBffrMHg5-onPIfTB8" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiP3jTrODI1H5y8HiC1AkBfALvSwFj7o82iUPPltc1ZNlnmXrFJDVgM1OjvzktXOEAJ0f20ks9AEkDsOkPmc0PyR5cuoPeSo1yJYB9_faDL5xZnJPbZO4bCjD29gxfdEQOIgujKS4pGYoyy-I7BwRllYjrZ12w0uezwGYBffrMHg5-onPIfTB8=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>5.</b> Despite having a tennis racket placed in my left hand by my father when I was just 15 months old, I didn't become the next John McEnroe. On the other hand, I didn't become the next John McEnroe. (I mean, sure, I've thrown temper tantrums as a grown man, but never at Wimbledon.)</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj-oWwl-FpFwK_iXJfkiZNWV3hJYv43BlN7_MdSf9EOLthX2E5EtzG-z_pA5_deqZnI0eEHdsusoX15KTAXY80FonZRX8NG-YM692qX01Iaph3eaX7YRodHxx48JGXzeW3h9EsC4T3gpSi_TQ82Kbe1mpPFC8guQrBt6mlYVb7pan0iMt0tcs0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1012" data-original-width="984" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj-oWwl-FpFwK_iXJfkiZNWV3hJYv43BlN7_MdSf9EOLthX2E5EtzG-z_pA5_deqZnI0eEHdsusoX15KTAXY80FonZRX8NG-YM692qX01Iaph3eaX7YRodHxx48JGXzeW3h9EsC4T3gpSi_TQ82Kbe1mpPFC8guQrBt6mlYVb7pan0iMt0tcs0=w388-h400" width="388" /></a></div><br /><b>6.</b> Baseball Player: "Maybe our fans aren't too proud of us this season, but you should've seen the Braves in the '90s."</div><div> <br />Little Girl: "That's nice. I think I saw an empty seat next to the bathroom. Would you excuse me?"</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgQmeCXGgEEWoAGmgLUEXytHkDZEM3JD27NDmw9NKt_-n9K7sw4nwSQKuS3aPBqCCsCQLl4PaJfSh9wmK0WEovIRaf-iE9XPXiOCWVoMgiNb2LnOHVE361E97wqbaq1rgi5rtLq61MX65yQcEo-Dj4MRWPL3XK4RMmhLi_jpCqmX0Yxz2Gsc7o" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgQmeCXGgEEWoAGmgLUEXytHkDZEM3JD27NDmw9NKt_-n9K7sw4nwSQKuS3aPBqCCsCQLl4PaJfSh9wmK0WEovIRaf-iE9XPXiOCWVoMgiNb2LnOHVE361E97wqbaq1rgi5rtLq61MX65yQcEo-Dj4MRWPL3XK4RMmhLi_jpCqmX0Yxz2Gsc7o=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>7.</b> In the Atlanta airport's C terminal on Monday I walked past Buckhead Books, which sells both books and magazines, and Midtown Magazines, which sells neither.<br /> <br />When I was living in Atlanta 15 years ago I didn't witness any gang violence, but now whenever people in Chicago ask me, "Are the rumors of airport-retail turf wars in the ATL true?" I'll know the shocking, tragic answer.<br /> <br /><b>8.</b> Did you know that more than 84 percent of Americans suffer from a complete lack of peripheral vision?*<br /> <br />* Percentage calculated using sample size of almost everybody blocking the aisles with their carts and their bodies and their fat, fat ignorance in Whole Foods five seconds ago.**<br /> <br />** Study may be biased.<br /> <br /><b>9.</b> Parts of Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican National Convention last night, not to mention parts of Mrs. Trump herself, may have been lifted, but there's no denying that she blatantly stole her hold-for-applause "look" from a fellow ex-model.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgWE1zMvgSkxySOJktSNQGqKuNiJqM_s-0FxHk4kEB8DMRj6ngsEag-xqjyIlYt62_qWbjmpkCO9KNyeGcxfJxEld9uoUKwyWovE5NQsCPHeMRif1SYb6xdXN-SPuz4UbMzLqVIMdAiILwGIT6_5-qtBsGx4UsGjTaeHkLiM-dPcrwMmM4QEfo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="2000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgWE1zMvgSkxySOJktSNQGqKuNiJqM_s-0FxHk4kEB8DMRj6ngsEag-xqjyIlYt62_qWbjmpkCO9KNyeGcxfJxEld9uoUKwyWovE5NQsCPHeMRif1SYb6xdXN-SPuz4UbMzLqVIMdAiILwGIT6_5-qtBsGx4UsGjTaeHkLiM-dPcrwMmM4QEfo=w400-h400" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>10.</b> "I've always been curious: what's the difference between you and Bob Seger?" <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Cleveland, Ohio, November 2, 2008; photo credit: Joe Raedle/Getty Images)</span></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhORt2FIt-fA0VNA4wveGQeLi3R5m_LiTpEAKoyx4xMk9Qtqda0gbh-JuDnyuTltqAu4aBiUe2BoSWlwvDJhQ7lTkSlD7tPsfA8XD9nxaVd0ZSGYvC0ogqDK_fGOGxVnJqugLS-LcYYyTGYm5jEo6CxwXDGFxAHWN8FoNt0FtzD28-PnP61_yg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="594" data-original-width="464" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhORt2FIt-fA0VNA4wveGQeLi3R5m_LiTpEAKoyx4xMk9Qtqda0gbh-JuDnyuTltqAu4aBiUe2BoSWlwvDJhQ7lTkSlD7tPsfA8XD9nxaVd0ZSGYvC0ogqDK_fGOGxVnJqugLS-LcYYyTGYm5jEo6CxwXDGFxAHWN8FoNt0FtzD28-PnP61_yg=w312-h400" width="312" /></a></div><br /></div><div><div><b>11.</b> Eddie Levert and Walter Williams, two of the founding members of the O'Jays, have issued a press release denouncing Donald Trump for playing their 1972 hit "Love Train" at the Republican National Convention without their permission. Undeterred, the Republican presidential nominee declared, "So what? I'll just get Los Lobos to write me an official campaign song. Naturally, I'll make them pay for the studio time."<br /> <br /><b>12.</b> No matter who you plan to vote for in November, I hope we can all agree that neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump has the best speaking voice. Reagan had a great speaking voice. Obama has a great speaking voice. But, my fellow Americans, I have a dream—a recurring dream, in fact, in which I'm stuck between the current Democratic and Republican presidential nominees on a three-hour flight. Clinton keeps loudly announcing that she's broken the cloud ceiling, and Trump won't stop whining about the price of a sky Heineken even though "I could buy one for everybody on this plane if I felt like it." Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders, one row behind us, is openly objecting to the "wasteful" amount of peanuts he's been given, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz, one row ahead, is negotiating with a flight attendant to bump Clinton up to first class 20 minutes before the plane touches down in Philadelphia.<br /> <br /><div><b>13.</b> You're not alone, Mr. Trump—even motor vehicles have delusions of grandeur.</div><div><br /></div><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhZxvGDkTLewyDQ9dK0z-B9-vNieBrvkJZAEqNnFN41pnk4zfpBVzffbdLBOT0e1gLoTm-J0UOR0xDVgmPwPXx3GiyBPbr1fHN49-FexmmPbofMhVJ9agK7BzRDpLv8kDp2epzzIKcDt0DyYOppFMiB6Nsjdsq6oDX-YPwD5VC39rspsmCg7nA" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhZxvGDkTLewyDQ9dK0z-B9-vNieBrvkJZAEqNnFN41pnk4zfpBVzffbdLBOT0e1gLoTm-J0UOR0xDVgmPwPXx3GiyBPbr1fHN49-FexmmPbofMhVJ9agK7BzRDpLv8kDp2epzzIKcDt0DyYOppFMiB6Nsjdsq6oDX-YPwD5VC39rspsmCg7nA=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div></b></div><div><br /></div><div><b>14.</b> "Trump-Pence. Almost rhymes with 'comeuppance.'" (This slogan can work for either party, so I've doubled my standard rate.)<br /> <br /><b>15.</b> I wish I'd made a habit of keeping up with world news much earlier in life, but on the bright side I don't plan to be elected president until I'm 70.<br /> <br /><b>16.</b> The older I get, the smaller my apartments get. If I were a scientist who also happened to be a talented, alcoholic writer with a mentally unstable wife, I would name this phenomenon "The Curious Case of Dustin Downsizer."<br /> <br /><b>17.</b> Speedo has ended its endorsement deal with Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. According to a company spokesman, "He lied about being robbed in Rio, and here at Speedo we take pride in the fact that no man can get away with lying once people have seen him in a Speedo."<br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>18.</b> Last spring I noticed some typos on the website Above Average, so I pointed them out in a short, friendly e-mail. Someone from the site replied, "We fixed the typos—thanks for the heads-up. Would love to send you a t-shirt! Let us know what size you wear & to what address should send it?"<br /> <br />But when the T-shirt arrived, I immediately noticed a hole in the left sleeve.<br /> <br />Last winter I let <i>The Paris Review</i> know about a few typos on its website, specifically in a short story by James Salter that seemed to have been scanned directly from the Fall 1972 issue using Optical Character Recognition software. Someone from that site also replied, but I'm probably lucky that I wasn't offered "the stinkiest wheel of Roquefort cheese we could find, as a token of our appreciation."</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiL7CL9iBz75PdU7o_dKdPvioa2xrFKHxjATlvRUVr1oOZvQHobvq1_bu2tjyxA8HfCRfhjIZYmfrenZq7H0QTRgclALbjH-MZoP3Vtl9gJNdkgqQ7PNvD7MSnH34-p8YM4hezomcabzvp1wtG1PwTIGQOqun0OAeO3BlyB8C4PXEjpRYxiF80" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiL7CL9iBz75PdU7o_dKdPvioa2xrFKHxjATlvRUVr1oOZvQHobvq1_bu2tjyxA8HfCRfhjIZYmfrenZq7H0QTRgclALbjH-MZoP3Vtl9gJNdkgqQ7PNvD7MSnH34-p8YM4hezomcabzvp1wtG1PwTIGQOqun0OAeO3BlyB8C4PXEjpRYxiF80=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>19.</b> Before you, Jojo Moyes, there was Judy Blume, and she's got dibs on that font, so give it back. (If I sound demanding, it's because, as a man, I have a long history of putting me before you.)</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyYEbf9LGBVi_EAwzZ1o5kPtQm89sdt53w4WD76KCi4d_mkuPLIn5uhmuapUAx2BOsJas0afGjnGCZeK1lDur8X5oGIKVkdwjIOgk1yUFXWQ6Q_WN4ZjuIe0q9KK28xdDkI_VmRm5MgK3d-SaZm9i0bNhNnJAdKaELEAE_89IQNIlm9Q19m68" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2448" data-original-width="3264" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyYEbf9LGBVi_EAwzZ1o5kPtQm89sdt53w4WD76KCi4d_mkuPLIn5uhmuapUAx2BOsJas0afGjnGCZeK1lDur8X5oGIKVkdwjIOgk1yUFXWQ6Q_WN4ZjuIe0q9KK28xdDkI_VmRm5MgK3d-SaZm9i0bNhNnJAdKaELEAE_89IQNIlm9Q19m68=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><b>20.</b> Wouldn't it be nice if chronic indecisiveness could be blamed on nothing more than a mechanical error?</div><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgLD338hJkdZpYe2RdndcMOSfhAnSqNuwKiPN4i4tI84j2BfdrEWYt7wOMy9kZmF3ZFLdMY_Yvc-nQfV9j1DKWy4TbqWsIliAzDJm1Rk9CSvAf8WriKZ1azh2APo6gKNZfT1bhsIfA_jcIz3Nx1sDk4-QUeuz5bs_AgSaf0JAyd5xBlqKaNXuo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgLD338hJkdZpYe2RdndcMOSfhAnSqNuwKiPN4i4tI84j2BfdrEWYt7wOMy9kZmF3ZFLdMY_Yvc-nQfV9j1DKWy4TbqWsIliAzDJm1Rk9CSvAf8WriKZ1azh2APo6gKNZfT1bhsIfA_jcIz3Nx1sDk4-QUeuz5bs_AgSaf0JAyd5xBlqKaNXuo=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>21.</b> "Little sisters don't let big brothers vote for Pat Buchanan." —nonexistent 1992 campaign slogan <span style="font-size: x-small;">(photo credit: Steve Liss/The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images)</span></div></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyxhZcqaIkHLJnk1EdJCP8QHA3_a7HKsNYzBuVWPRyHeFidlVK6_AcLAvUnKIp5FM21Ysx2w75sdJ92yF5sveDQV2QPwOk0K4Pk_p-SIIlbpeL2gAMO_pmSX8vqP8irMbveHLXOQfPMPxTJAFf12nhBZXglrTX5CO9OulQmuYHE2Legy8Qmjk" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="594" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyxhZcqaIkHLJnk1EdJCP8QHA3_a7HKsNYzBuVWPRyHeFidlVK6_AcLAvUnKIp5FM21Ysx2w75sdJ92yF5sveDQV2QPwOk0K4Pk_p-SIIlbpeL2gAMO_pmSX8vqP8irMbveHLXOQfPMPxTJAFf12nhBZXglrTX5CO9OulQmuYHE2Legy8Qmjk=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>22.</b> Clipping articles from newspapers and magazines has a calming effect on me, but I tend to put most of what I clip in a pile and leave it there—for years. This aging process has its benefits, however: today I found gold in them thar ink-stained hills when I ran across the cover story from the April 29, 2012, issue of <i>The New York Times Magazine</i>, in which actor Samuel L. Jackson briefly mentions two of his famous golfing buddies, who probably won't be hitting the links together again until (a) after November 8 or (b) hell freezes over.</div><div><div> <br />Oh, what a tangled political web we weave ...</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgEGIxwf7TBJNC9gvCs1Jnndfgsi5neEeuJqxA8cTUWJSz_gDgEFs3_ifT4zZfCDBONUVPN21_8gvqhFo6QNSuuCskGHKo03DJqHycom8Z1fDjraGqMiWhEyL43FhOUZYpQeECl3SmvWDPALcV_MKCpClfLgMpOlmZMzEhRhl1d5s2p1N2y0xw" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgEGIxwf7TBJNC9gvCs1Jnndfgsi5neEeuJqxA8cTUWJSz_gDgEFs3_ifT4zZfCDBONUVPN21_8gvqhFo6QNSuuCskGHKo03DJqHycom8Z1fDjraGqMiWhEyL43FhOUZYpQeECl3SmvWDPALcV_MKCpClfLgMpOlmZMzEhRhl1d5s2p1N2y0xw=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>23.</b> Aleppo, sometimes referred to as "the fifth Marx Brother," never got the credit he deserved.<br /> <br /><b>24.</b> After watching George Stephanopoulos interview Donald Trump Jr. on <i>Good Morning America</i> earlier today, it would be unfair of me to say that Trump looks like someone who tortured small woodland creatures as a child. It would be unfair because I'm pretty sure he didn't grow up anywhere near woodlands, at least not any that his family didn't buy for the sole purpose of turning them into golf courses.<br /> <br /><b>25.</b> The man who smirks and grimaces like Benito Mussolini as he runs for president of the United States against a woman who takes fashion tips from Mao Zedong has finally acknowledged that the current U.S. president is officially American. Aye dios mio ...<br /> <br /><b>26.</b> Whenever friends and family are in town, I treat them to what I call the "CTA 2-4-1." They think they're going to take a ride on Chicago's elevated trains at half-price, but I just want them to share the experience of watching two trains arrive from the opposite direction of every one train they're waiting for.<br /> <br /><b>27.</b> YOU MONSTER! You were only supposed to expose your daughter to the universally accepted "cool" music format of the moment, vinyl! No wonder Angelina's seeking full custody—it's the only way she can ensure their children won't come under the harmful influence of compact discs.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhmmvIxHqqb-sE0b8WzwJsqsUG4diK_5NBJs34Ju8wKimzhG6TaD78MmL5edkU_chJUVMkzxQHRqBIx8d7-3-wyvSx-ZR-xfcKGhfNB9Jg6ntzokG_ql53eXUDnAK5y6hS3wynZmXdkJ-LdGOAxDs-ENoOPkzxobJJI1EFvz4okKPuGmFuTn1U" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="484" data-original-width="626" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhmmvIxHqqb-sE0b8WzwJsqsUG4diK_5NBJs34Ju8wKimzhG6TaD78MmL5edkU_chJUVMkzxQHRqBIx8d7-3-wyvSx-ZR-xfcKGhfNB9Jg6ntzokG_ql53eXUDnAK5y6hS3wynZmXdkJ-LdGOAxDs-ENoOPkzxobJJI1EFvz4okKPuGmFuTn1U=w400-h310" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>28.</b> During a performance Sunday night in Queens, Kanye West learned that his wife, Kim Kardashian, had been robbed at gunpoint in Paris. West told the sold-out crowd, "I'm sorry, there's a family emergency—I have to stop the show," and ran offstage.<br /> <br />Upon hearing the news, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called West to offer his support—and to hire him as a coach for the next presidential debate. "Your ego's almost as big as mine, kid," Trump reportedly told the musician, "but what I really like is your exit strategy."<br /> <br /><b>29.</b> I've been away from my computer for a few days, but I would like to say, in Donald Trump's defense, that in the 2005 video made public by <i>The Washington Post</i> last Friday, he openly admits that he failed to seduce TV personality Nancy O'Dell.<br /> <br />America, it takes a lot of humility, which takes a lot of guts, which doesn't require a lot of hair but, you know, it doesn't hurt to have it either, for a man to admit to other men who make a lot less money than him that he couldn't consummate his passion for Billy Bush's <i>Access Hollywood</i> cohost. Mr. Trump's brutal honesty should be commended, not shamed.<br /> <br />Oh, and as for his follow-up comment alleging that Ms. O'Dell had undergone cosmetic surgery after rejecting his sexual advances, well ... uhh ... hmmm ... I think what Mr. Trump's hairpiece—I mean, Mr. Trump—yes, what Mr. Trump was trying to do was, uh, give a piece of his mind—which, of course, is inside his skull, underneath a completely natural head of hair, and that's what I was trying to say even though I said "hairpiece"—about how he appreciates natural beauty and, naturally, encourages all women to embrace their own inner beauty.<br /> <br />(In case it's unclear, I expect more video and audio of Donald Trump's "locker room talk" to surface in the next week or so, causing Kellyanne Conway's head to explode and providing me with an opportunity to become the Republican presidential nominee's newest spin doctor. I've always wanted to create performance art on the largest stage possible, so back off, James Franco—THIS ONE'S ALL MINE.)<br /> <br /><b>30.</b> The only thing that really surprised me about the 2005 <i>Access Hollywood</i> video leaked last Friday occurred when Donald Trump first appeared on camera: Billy Bush had to tell him how to open the door of the bus. Trump, having been born into a life of personal chauffeurs and doormen, just expected someone on the outside to open it for him!<br /> <br />It gave me an idea: maybe the best solution at this point would be to bribe Trump's current chauffeur to abandon him in a locked limo where no one would come to his aid—say, a Whole Foods parking lot. Once Trump passed out due to hyperventilation brought on by his inability to figure out the connection between locks and handles, he could be revived at Trump Tower by a doctor—say, anyone but Howard Dean—who would try to convince him that he'd been in a coma for the past 16 months.<br /> <br />Trump would angrily deny that his entire presidential campaign had been a dream and demand a second opinion. "You there, boy—the Mexican child laborer washing my windows!" he'd yell from his penthouse balcony. "What day is today?" To which George Stephanopoulos (c'mon, we all know he'd do it, probably even for free) would reply, "Today? Why, it's the day after election day, of course!"<br /> <br />Secretly, Trump would be relieved, as would many others—say, everyone on this planet.<br /> <br /><b>31.</b> Citing Melania Trump's wealth and beauty, ABC News political commentator Cokie Roberts said on Tuesday that the former model "is not terribly recognizable to a lot of voters."<br /> <br />When reached for comment, Mrs. Trump's 1998 makeup mirror tilted forward slightly, indicating agreement.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgBLn7pof-Q_GyozqWd47NcCNP9AlMLDeSWEPzJAhgWJNcJJHdOXeCcStIBxbFxKJd_2oD3TYXyVKHeBEWkFuq3132va8NpPAKgTKgSnSPUT3C6l4tymKxdPryA_w6wPmW4BXIm8tiL6tTeYSWFlbMC4B3JHmenhToMrmfvCVrVp5xpRcDbebA" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgBLn7pof-Q_GyozqWd47NcCNP9AlMLDeSWEPzJAhgWJNcJJHdOXeCcStIBxbFxKJd_2oD3TYXyVKHeBEWkFuq3132va8NpPAKgTKgSnSPUT3C6l4tymKxdPryA_w6wPmW4BXIm8tiL6tTeYSWFlbMC4B3JHmenhToMrmfvCVrVp5xpRcDbebA=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>32.</b> Hillary Clinton was out of line in last night's debate when she accused Donald Trump of being Vladimir Putin's "puppet." As Melania Trump has already made clear, Billy Bush is to blame for encouraging her husband to make disrespectful comments about women 11 years ago—the former cohost of an <i>Entertainment Tonight</i> knockoff is the REAL puppet master in this election.</div><div> <br />I think Bush should be proud—finally, a member of his family can actually say, "Yes, I was the one pulling the strings in 2005."</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhpvCTi-aZjJvPtsSbkVqK7ksPqoVpeMgMBIWJt_yUFyU8MhMHbQ_YjlsW3yUpGYyWSCKdenb1vguKuO2EI4RK2XwUcmX4r9IhXQ8YSjVRSsSXAEEbKBmRpBORexMLQSk6o0DcKbMf0YUdWblGb8tPwC721Xp-WegR7fMzWDi7RpvXYKwc46I4" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1053" data-original-width="1500" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhpvCTi-aZjJvPtsSbkVqK7ksPqoVpeMgMBIWJt_yUFyU8MhMHbQ_YjlsW3yUpGYyWSCKdenb1vguKuO2EI4RK2XwUcmX4r9IhXQ8YSjVRSsSXAEEbKBmRpBORexMLQSk6o0DcKbMf0YUdWblGb8tPwC721Xp-WegR7fMzWDi7RpvXYKwc46I4=w400-h281" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>33.</b> The beauty of being a fair-weather fan is that you never have to stick your neck out for a team.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgUKncC3SBx5PVZBp4RAe2l1rV1RqHAZPfIJnwad37gdhjTKwbeaR0fSOCn0mJPzUzr2kNwxRoCzt8zkAALKq3ud5xD-OlaRj4bW_0_nNHGcW5HXx3QlY3mR8Jt2VBXyg8haGVyYjyPSwv6xMEpjFeYQ0cTUnDZxXoIwoC28c6PcBGpDcPnLZo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="619" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgUKncC3SBx5PVZBp4RAe2l1rV1RqHAZPfIJnwad37gdhjTKwbeaR0fSOCn0mJPzUzr2kNwxRoCzt8zkAALKq3ud5xD-OlaRj4bW_0_nNHGcW5HXx3QlY3mR8Jt2VBXyg8haGVyYjyPSwv6xMEpjFeYQ0cTUnDZxXoIwoC28c6PcBGpDcPnLZo=w310-h400" width="310" /></a></div><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgSZYdgxlH1sYB4gecX6MVzOLBmnPsQ0xEIZec7oWIcov4Yc1h1sxMllfs2MD5k2T01pCLcoxc7D3WrHYy-ixQuhuGrI2Lb-KbqxF1MrwFxLWxorK4qQLwYIk8kt2iaxK7uc6yk7yQ9ChZkzIdwkdopqjRFIh-NE8H-HFPGz6UyY5gr4omLNNI" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="640" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgSZYdgxlH1sYB4gecX6MVzOLBmnPsQ0xEIZec7oWIcov4Yc1h1sxMllfs2MD5k2T01pCLcoxc7D3WrHYy-ixQuhuGrI2Lb-KbqxF1MrwFxLWxorK4qQLwYIk8kt2iaxK7uc6yk7yQ9ChZkzIdwkdopqjRFIh-NE8H-HFPGz6UyY5gr4omLNNI=w225-h400" width="225" /></a></div>34.</b> Some say that the stress of being president speeds up the aging process of those elected to the office, but judging by recent photographic evidence, the 2016 presidential election has already proven so exhausting to everyone that even celebrities like Justin Timberlake now look dramatically older than their years.</div><div><br /><b>35.</b> Needless to say, you should vote if you haven't already, but if you or someone you know is planning to vote for Donald Trump on Tuesday, please be aware that that vote is going to a bully.</div><div> <br />Almost every political candidate runs attack ads, of course, but not every candidate is a bully. And I've never met Donald Trump, but I dealt with more bullies in my thirties than I ever did growing up, so the following character traits are still fresh in my memory:<br /> <br />(1) Bullies know everything, yet they show a complete lack of self-awareness;<br /> <br />(2) they contradict themselves on a regular basis because they don't listen to or remember anything they say (see: self-awareness, complete lack of);<br /> <br />(3) they take all of the credit but accept none of the blame;<br /> <br />(4) they constantly whine about how no one else is following the rules they keep breaking;<br /> <br />(5) they make derogatory comments about women and minorities, usually when women and minorities aren't around; and<br /> <br />(6) shut up, you suck.<br /> <br />Also, if you've ever had to spend time with an overgrown bully, especially in a work environment, you know the body language, and Donald Trump is definitely speaking that language whenever he appears on camera.<br /> <br />Real-life bullies aren't like movie or TV bullies: They don't respect you if you stand up to them. Instead, they resent you for challenging their supposed authority. Bullies believe in dictatorships, not democracies.<br /> <br />Donald Trump himself may have been bullied as a child, and if so, that's unfortunate, but it's a problem that should've been addressed by a therapist before he graduated from high school in 1964, not by 323 million Americans on Election Day in 2016.<br /> <br />A great thing about the United States of America, however, is that when you don't vote for the bully on Election Day, you've stood up to him in the most important way possible.<br /> <br />Believe that—not me—and make it a reality.<br /> <br /><b>36.</b> In 1983 W.P. Kinsella wrote "The Last Pennant Before Armageddon," a short story in which the manager of the Chicago Cubs dreams that the world will end if his team beats the Los Angeles Dodgers in the National League Championship Series.<br /> <br />That same year <i>The Dead Zone</i>, based on the Stephen King novel, was released in theaters. The film stars Christopher Walken as a clairvoyant who envisions a disturbed political hopeful, played by Martin Sheen, starting World War III after being elected president.<br /> <br />Last month the Cubs beat the Dodgers to win the National League pennant for the first time since 1945, the year World War II ended.<br /> <br />Last night Donald Trump was elected president.<br /> <br />Well, as the old saying goes, win some, lose all hope for mankind.<br /> <br /><b>37.</b> Who muttered the following rhetorical question under his breath on November 8, 2016: "Jesus Christ, am I really gonna have to play this part for the next four years?"<br /> <br />(a) Alec Baldwin<br />(b) Donald Trump<br />(c) All of the above.<br /> <br />The first person to respond with the correct answer will win two tickets to the new M. Night Shyamalan thriller, <i>Split</i>, starring James McAvoy as a dangerous man with a personality disorder who takes innocent people hostage. The Hollywood Reporter says the movie's twist ending is "a doozy," and who doesn't like twist endings that have nothing to do with the split personality of our country?<br /> <br /><i>Split</i> opens nationwide January 20, which just so happens to be Inauguration Day, and BELIEVE ME, MANY OF YOU WILL WANT TO ESCAPE FROM REALITY THAT DAY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.<br /> <br /><b>38.</b> On Tuesday night, around 8:00 Central time, I texted my nieces, Olivia and Sophie: "Girls, when is this electoral map going to turn bluer?" Olivia responded: "???? But don't know! Ahhh! #scared #lifeisgoingtobeoverifDTwins#longesthashtagever."<br /> <br />I wrote back and said I was sure Hillary Clinton would win California, and that she might win Florida and North Carolina too. Sadly, I was wrong about those might-win states, but I didn't want either of my nieces to worry about the prospects of a Donald Trump presidency, no matter how potentially dangerous I think he is, so on Wednesday morning I texted, "Oh well. Life goes on."<br /> <br />And it will, but once I saw clips of Clinton's concession speech on <i>Good Morning America</i>, I got a little emotional. I thought about how she was absolutely the more qualified, experienced, levelheaded candidate, how she won all three presidential debates (just by using her brain—what a concept!), and how she gave hope to girls like Olivia and Sophie that the presidency would never be out of their reach.<br /> <br />I also thought about how kind and generous my nieces have been to me, how much wiser they are at their respective ages—Olivia is 11, Sophie's 9—than I was at those ages, and how I wish I'd treated girls as people, not as "other," back then. In my defense, Princess Leia wasn't immune to Han Solo's witty banter in outer space, and Maddie Hayes didn't necessarily hate it when David Addison engaged her in the battle of the sexes Tuesday nights at 9 on ABC. Nonetheless, I should've shut up and listened to my female classmates' hopes and fears and dreams when I had the chance.<br /> <br />I texted Olivia and Sophie again: "That glass ceiling will be broken one day. Maybe by one of you!"<br /> <br />A few hours later, after she got out of school, Olivia sent the perfect response: "What glass ceiling???"<br /> <br />Girls rule, boys drool. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end (ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT, PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP?). Amen.<br /> <br /><b>39.</b> He made disparaging comments about women, some of whom accused him of sexual assault.<br /> <br />He mocked a disabled reporter at a campaign rally.<br /> <br />He didn't fight in the Vietnam war, yet he claimed that Senator John McCain, a fellow Republican, was "not a war hero" because of McCain's five and a half years as a POW in North Vietnam.<br /> <br />He was named the Republican Party's 2016 presidential nominee at a convention attended by only one nominee from the past seven elections.<br /> <br />He was considered by the majority of political analysts to have lost all three presidential debates to his opponent, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.<br /> <br />He's currently facing 75 pending lawsuits.<br /> <br />And he never made his tax returns public before the election.<br /> <br />But I have to hand it to Donald Trump's supporters—they had a REALLY catchy chant at the rally I attended last Monday at my old summer camp:</div><div><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/-TogGxzlfhM?start=53&end=68" width="520"></iframe></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>40.</b> I think Steve Bannon, Michael Flynn, and Jeff Sessions will all do a great job.<br /> <br />Oh, I'm not talking about their key roles in President-elect Trump's administration. But as contestants on his all-new, all-too-real reality show, "The Amazing Racist"? You have to admit their preseason stats are impressive.<br /> <br /><b>41.</b> You'd think a guy who puts on a wig and makeup every day would have more empathy for Broadway actors.<br /> <br /><b>42.</b> "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."<br /> <br />—I Corinthians 13:11<br /> <br />"Not now, Bible, I'm tweeting."<br /> <br />—President-elect Donald Trump<br /> <br /><b>43.</b> I once worked for a vulgar, arrogant 70-year-old who seemed to get a kick out of making baseless accusations, often in the form of short, angry messages that he composed in his high-rise apartment late at night.<br /> <br />Thank God a person with that kind of temperament could never be elected president of the United States of America.<br /> <br />[Note to self, 10/27/16: Save as "draft," then post on FB 11/8 once Clinton reaches 270 in Electoral College. In meantime, do not uncross fingers, no matter how hard typing gets.]</div><br /><b>44.</b> There's nothing fake about earning your living by reporting the news five feet from a urinal:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-style: italic; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqjlSNu50kptWQECG99S-o-caYa5rO1ZRZoaBvk86qHd6KTSiESH3Nng0J8Fbn8J48tjw0rN7YEiGw5pQRst-aANHAg_oEaxcJ9AGKVcPSs1OWpbU3-0cXjQRFg-J4JvxKpASdPCJbDEZUmqS21lp1HZXxGNtpRNKxra9AhLRP67jmXNAOtNg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="594" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqjlSNu50kptWQECG99S-o-caYa5rO1ZRZoaBvk86qHd6KTSiESH3Nng0J8Fbn8J48tjw0rN7YEiGw5pQRst-aANHAg_oEaxcJ9AGKVcPSs1OWpbU3-0cXjQRFg-J4JvxKpASdPCJbDEZUmqS21lp1HZXxGNtpRNKxra9AhLRP67jmXNAOtNg" width="320" /></a></div>"Reporters work on their laptops in a men's bathroom as Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) speaks during a campaign rally at the Burger Activity Center, March 3, 2008, in Austin, Texas. Voters in Texas, Ohio, Vermont, and Rhode Island go to the polls March 4 in what could be pivotal contests for the Democratic nomination between Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL). (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)"</div><div><br /><b>45.</b> The other day I read a six-weeks-old New Yorker article about Kellyanne Conway, who at the time was still President-elect Trump's campaign manager. Four years earlier she'd worked on the presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich, who told The New Yorker that Conway shouldn't try to "reshape" Trump on the campaign trail because, among other things, "he's a 70-year-old adult billionaire."</div><div><div> <br />Well, what other kind of 70-year-old billionaire would he be? Is Gingrich implying that on June 15, 2015, Trump's ten-year-old son, Barron, inserted a quarter into an old Zoltar Speaks fortune-teller machine and said, "I wish I was big. And old, like my dad, who's ... I don't know, 40, I think?"<br /> <br />Because that would explain a lot.<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjuAl8_iHH4U2WcHbUfwoT8rw0hphF-Zx57QyhUtCr_xR7wC2K81BC4QFZA5jEItKSVwLqqpoq4KoXgU0WStHFwWSbRUZjB9cXeeISNqOx9QP0zLvwit9h4w4NDdP2R17vqnwYaXMuHrm94eBK0xZelgsUGDLW5duzDsI3zrky_PSLWpRXQf_E" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjuAl8_iHH4U2WcHbUfwoT8rw0hphF-Zx57QyhUtCr_xR7wC2K81BC4QFZA5jEItKSVwLqqpoq4KoXgU0WStHFwWSbRUZjB9cXeeISNqOx9QP0zLvwit9h4w4NDdP2R17vqnwYaXMuHrm94eBK0xZelgsUGDLW5duzDsI3zrky_PSLWpRXQf_E" width="320" /></a></div>46.</b> The pen is mightier than the sword. Bigger too, if you want to get all technical about it.</div><div><br /><b>47.</b> I don't mean to brag or nothin', but I lost a whole half pound in the past week, and according to the new math of the incoming Trump administration, that's a LANDSLIDE VICTORY for weight loss.<br /> <br /><b>48.</b> What I wouldn't give right now for a reporter to ask President-elect Trump, "What's your favorite James Bond movie?" and have him respond, "<i>From Russia With Love</i>, of course." (He'd immediately change his answer to <i>Octopussy</i>, but the pussy would already be out of the bag, so to speak.)<br /> <br /><b>49.</b> If there be but one thing<br />I cannot understand<br />'Tis why I've never been picked<br />By a pair of jazz hands<br /> <br />—"The Ballad of the Jazz Apple," R. Cass, 2016</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhVzFd6mtdLSnB5RCtYLxq9giMEXIx3qH7MsDWDXbaOJrRVhL7NR0lFiSSrCJ2sSXtzK-NAIQQc-ksBiIVcqJXTPXZ2tV6meBY-3FIhJI-Umj_A8qSLBNCHMOttVOQ3Oe2jYDRtn3B60a_vxdRyu5jzJsAIjnM6PadjH2usIVBGLwIag0wD9_o" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhVzFd6mtdLSnB5RCtYLxq9giMEXIx3qH7MsDWDXbaOJrRVhL7NR0lFiSSrCJ2sSXtzK-NAIQQc-ksBiIVcqJXTPXZ2tV6meBY-3FIhJI-Umj_A8qSLBNCHMOttVOQ3Oe2jYDRtn3B60a_vxdRyu5jzJsAIjnM6PadjH2usIVBGLwIag0wD9_o=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div></div><div><br /><b>50.</b> He walks among us.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiw4wHpBmSHBNnOR1rRMT_aTQLq1rG9qhrOkmseTpt08oSe_yJTaepqrGhEJDZbjnmPGJi1ViilMhtl7wsLfTbY4ozQVvx8WxFk9KVvLgTiNJ5F3WwWjZ59-Y0u8J4UNy1HaPZwCDK3SARE57rYC4LC6xYX70hBvE9IxqxNSM9ciNBbuyYIpgE" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiw4wHpBmSHBNnOR1rRMT_aTQLq1rG9qhrOkmseTpt08oSe_yJTaepqrGhEJDZbjnmPGJi1ViilMhtl7wsLfTbY4ozQVvx8WxFk9KVvLgTiNJ5F3WwWjZ59-Y0u8J4UNy1HaPZwCDK3SARE57rYC4LC6xYX70hBvE9IxqxNSM9ciNBbuyYIpgE=w400-h400" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><b>51.</b> If you play a record on your turntable but don't post a picture of it on Instagram, did it actually make a sound?</div><div> <br />—Confucius (or possibly Con Funk Shun)<br /> <br /><b>52.</b> In 1998 Oscar-winning director Milos Forman invited Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage to audition for the lead role in his Andy Kaufman biopic, <i>Man on the Moon</i>. Jim Carrey ultimately got the part, but 19 years later Cage is finally playing Kaufman in a movie—or at least he appears to be playing the comedian's lounge-lizard "alter ego," Tony Clifton, in the crime drama <i>Arsenal</i>, opening Friday.<br /> <br />Remember, budding actors, there are no small parts, just small actors who aren't Oscar-winning enough to tell a director, "I really think my character would yell the loudest in a pink sport coat."</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi6DARf_x6azOzEe3CiufaO2AlIF6eR4FhbjpnCtcLlU_q1qZBK249S57Oz00n_y-OdtftaoEvP3nDRi5xNXAxUp54DDbbhblsLfDG9Xc4Tg7aZhOftPh6e3Mf1mvlG6LoRnLS2vQ7HMfenQ2Sdh3M6b2M0CDEJCU7uzosoxSQ6m0k_UcaZrn0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi6DARf_x6azOzEe3CiufaO2AlIF6eR4FhbjpnCtcLlU_q1qZBK249S57Oz00n_y-OdtftaoEvP3nDRi5xNXAxUp54DDbbhblsLfDG9Xc4Tg7aZhOftPh6e3Mf1mvlG6LoRnLS2vQ7HMfenQ2Sdh3M6b2M0CDEJCU7uzosoxSQ6m0k_UcaZrn0=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>53.</b> For the past 20 years I've bought Negra Modelo beer, but only since Thanksgiving weekend has a six-pack cost me less than two dollars. I don't know why, and I'll continue to not ask the cashiers at Jewel-Osco and Whole Foods why, but I'd like to think it's Mexico's way of saying, "We know you didn't vote for the guy, but you're stuck with him, so this one's on us."</div><br /><b>54.</b> "I hope that thing's a herbivore," said the electric reindeer.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhaJSVAWihxOysE_bh6iDZDDj5MimLvusyZZ7wj0KxAYieG8Kz6dfYCCGJNp4orWCaem2GZQWXEl03WqQ_TqOvNQKgm42LyQyx1OeZXoUq7K1dOnMB_zrmKEyh_4huZUED76TCbaVjyMg7s-QUjHM-9zq7Fr1RxDP7PvskQDnG6RAIGK0EZbs8" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="912" data-original-width="1024" height="357" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhaJSVAWihxOysE_bh6iDZDDj5MimLvusyZZ7wj0KxAYieG8Kz6dfYCCGJNp4orWCaem2GZQWXEl03WqQ_TqOvNQKgm42LyQyx1OeZXoUq7K1dOnMB_zrmKEyh_4huZUED76TCbaVjyMg7s-QUjHM-9zq7Fr1RxDP7PvskQDnG6RAIGK0EZbs8=w400-h357" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>55.</b> From this point on, all short, angry messages directed at Meryl Streep by the next president of the United States shall be designated "postcards from the edge."<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjcqn2pmoLKrC5pRjJg20ru0jZTgGVcHxEm3AaNT8RT2__qhwS39Gl5wC6kmxJ7dcpMaDpn8-IktLvwUcvyFzBL23qPMy2OMxfBS5NERbFIZPvl5gbPpHblMYGxU5kW7UB1-KPaxBmOTMrYeQvzLcP49a8LbkDjQqGtspuQ8gkDTVp4mMWLDtM" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjcqn2pmoLKrC5pRjJg20ru0jZTgGVcHxEm3AaNT8RT2__qhwS39Gl5wC6kmxJ7dcpMaDpn8-IktLvwUcvyFzBL23qPMy2OMxfBS5NERbFIZPvl5gbPpHblMYGxU5kW7UB1-KPaxBmOTMrYeQvzLcP49a8LbkDjQqGtspuQ8gkDTVp4mMWLDtM=w320-h240" width="320" /></a></div>56.</b> If this box was a clue on <i>Jeopardy!</i> my $400 answer would be "What is solid butter?"</div><div><br /><b>57.</b> Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has announced that it will cease operations in May after 146 years. "Sure, costs are up and attendance is down, but last fall we realized we would never be able to compete with the new circus coming to Washington, D.C.," management stated in a press release. "You think we're cruel to elephants? Republicans, you ain't seen nothin' yet."<br /><br /></div><div><b>58.</b> "... Because of men and women like John Lewis, Joseph Lowery, Hosea Williams, Amelia Boynton, Diane Nash, Ralph Abernathy, C.T. Vivian, Andrew Young, Fred Shuttlesworth, Dr. King, and so many more, the idea of a just America, a fair America, an inclusive America, a generous America—that idea ultimately triumphed."<br /> <br />—President Barack Obama, March 7, 2015, in Selma, Alabama, commemorating the 50th anniversary of the march for black Americans' voting rights, a.k.a. "Bloody Sunday"<br /> <br />"Today's final round of the WGC Cadillac Championship will be amazing. A lot of pressure on leader, who has played great. Big names hunting!"<br /> <br />—President-elect Donald Trump, March 8, 2015, on Twitter, in reference to a golf tournament taking place at his Trump National Doral Miami resort<br /> <br />(The lesson: Keep your eyes on the prize. Just make sure it's a prize worth fighting for.)<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgLqm6nxPLsZyLznLV_gbRPFck6dz0YiAzYn0uqlYxeBcPtb6Sauyc0l1AJ_ZJer78Me9YvX3J6Ed36qrRkOClUhL6BvZQcc41PT0IBiO1iJQmoUsBo8a17stTV5BiEUtwLKo3cTrW2VvxO8l-Iy-2DbhU4qQAsNDe97wbPgkrHZSaIXmZ6q1Y" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="593" data-original-width="560" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgLqm6nxPLsZyLznLV_gbRPFck6dz0YiAzYn0uqlYxeBcPtb6Sauyc0l1AJ_ZJer78Me9YvX3J6Ed36qrRkOClUhL6BvZQcc41PT0IBiO1iJQmoUsBo8a17stTV5BiEUtwLKo3cTrW2VvxO8l-Iy-2DbhU4qQAsNDe97wbPgkrHZSaIXmZ6q1Y=w302-h320" width="302" /></a></div>59.</b> If you can't afford a pair of diamond earrings for your sweetheart this Valentine's Day, get her the next best thing—a one-carrot stud.</div><div><br /><b>60.</b> "I think it's tougher than he thought," President-elect Donald Trump told diplomats and members of Congress at a VIP dinner Tuesday night in Washington, D.C., referring to the Senate confirmation hearing of Rex Tillerson, his nominee for secretary of state. In Tillerson's old job as the head of ExxonMobil, he "goes into a country, takes the oil, goes into another country," Trump said. "It's tough dealing with these politicians, right?"<br /> <br />When reached for comment, former vice president Dick Cheney grumbled, "Amateurs …"<br /> <br /><b>61.</b> It's time.<br /> <br />It's time for your loving parents to leave you with a new babysitter. You were hoping it'd be a girl, but this "nice young Christian boy" comes highly recommended by the White family across the street.<br /> <br />The evening gets off to a rocky start: as soon as your parents pull out of the driveway he pockets the $20 they left for a pizza and tells you that if you make him a ham-and-cheese with extra mustard, he'll let you stay up past ten.<br /> <br />"Don't be rude," he says (rudely, you might add), so you make him the sandwich, figuring you might as well give him a chance since you're going to be stuck with him for the next four hours. But once he's done eating, he sends you to bed at seven because "I need to work on a big paper for my world-history class, and I can't have you asking me all these questions," even though your only question has been "Is it hard to get a suntan in January?"<br /> <br />You sulk your way upstairs, but a few minutes later you hear noise coming from the living room. When you tiptoe back downstairs to investigate, the TV is tuned to professional wrestling, but the babysitter's attention is focused on some sort of weird Civil War-era plantation pornography on his laptop.<br /> <br />You now officially hate the babysitter. But you're still stuck with him for three more hours, so you retreat to your room and decide to sleep off the rest of his tenure.<br /> <br />"What's the worst he could do?" you ask yourself. "Burn down the house?"<br /> <br />It would help if you laughed, but you're distracted by the last slivers of daylight as they gradually disappear from the room.<br /> <br />(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you think your own children would enjoy hearing this bedtime story, I'm available for personal appearances.)<br /> <br /><b>62.</b> "President Trump, the bad news is that the crowd gathered for your inauguration ceremony on Friday didn't stretch all the way back to the Washington Monument. But the good news, sir, is that the area surrounding America's most famous phallic symbol was packed just 24 hours later! And if you're a fan of irony, like the fact that you won the election last November even though you received almost three million fewer votes than Hillary Clinton, there's even more good news, because the gender that dominated Saturday's enormous crowd of protesters was—"<br /><br />I probably wouldn't last long as White House chief of staff.<br /> <br /><b>63.</b> In keeping with the policies and general tone of his first week in office, President Trump has announced that Americans will no longer "spring forward" when daylight saving time begins in March.<br /> <br />"I love it when everyone in this great country of ours falls back at the exact same time, so why limit ourselves to November?" the president tweeted, adding, "To all of you who illegally didn't vote for me, you're welcome for the extra hour you get to sleep through my presidency."<br /> <br /><b>64.</b> On Friday, attending his fourth March for Life rally in Washington, D.C., Connecticut cabinetmaker Glenn Miller told the Associated Press, "This past administration did not listen to us and did not even care ... I wouldn't say that I was a supporter of Donald Trump. I voted for him because I didn't think I had a choice."<br /> <br />As far as I can tell, the AP's reporter didn't follow up by asking Miller, "So what you're saying is you're pro-choice?"<br /> <br /><b>65.</b> On <i>Good Morning America</i> earlier today, presidential guidance counselor Kellyanne Conway said, "I think if you actually surveyed [protesters of President Trump's travel ban] they would probably get the facts wrong. They're being misinformed."<br /> <br />As long as I keep in mind that "the facts," as Conway calls them, are "alternative" facts, and that the misinformation she cited is coming directly from the makers of said alt-facts, I can honestly say for the first time that I agree with the Trump administration!<br /> <br />Wow ... what a weird sensation. I feel dizzy. I should probably tilt my head back before it hits the keyboarrrrrhjyunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn<br /> <br /><b>66.</b> Last night at a restaurant I watched a young mother encourage her toddler to eat "just one more bite" of green beans. He did, reluctantly, then threw up on his plate.<br /><br />After less than two bites—sorry, weeks—of Donald Trump's presidency, I know exactly how that kid feels.<br /> <br /><b>67.</b> I don't like 99 percent of President Trump's political agenda so far, but on Tuesday he met with top pharmaceutical executives and told them, "We have to get prices down for a lot of reasons." That proves that he really does care about every American, because for the next four years at least 65,853,625 of us are going to need a prescription for antidepressants.<br /> <br /><b>68.</b> When trust and unity are bulldozed by Them vs. Us, the office of POTUS loses two pillars of its foundation and risks making every American look like a POS.<br /> <br /><b>69.</b> Donald Trump's presidency is a lot like a Michael Bay movie: it's not any good, but because something's blowing up every five minutes, it's never boring.<br /> <br /><b>70.</b> Earlier today I received an e-mail from OkCupid with the following subject heading: "Do you care about politics? Or sex?"<br /> <br />I realized for the first time that I now care about one of those things more than the other. Which is why I also realized for the first time that I'm now middle-aged.<br /> <br /><b>71.</b> "I make big money, I drive big cars, everybody know me, it's like I'm a movie star, but late at night somethin' ain't right ... Investigatin' the joint for traps, checkin' my telephone for taps … I keep lookin' over my shoulder and peepin' 'round corners ..."<br /> <br />Those are lyrics from the 1991 Geto Boys song "Mind Playing Tricks on Me," but if you initially mistook them for tweets written by President Trump, no one would blame you.<br /> <br /><b>72.</b> I respect Ridley Scott's right to tinker with <i>Blade Runner</i> till his dying day, but according to the latest edition of <i>Newcity</i>, which don't need no stinkin' copy editors, the director's "final cut" of his 1982 sci-fi classic is completely unrecognizable.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiCS4-_NetpoBl71J5GWfvXgwjuueOHs79FnfW_R8yNBYAjDkUocTGZkpfNJXx-NJH-LWGM8s-VqR2lxjdX2WRzKruoGVzS-d1OqhuXc6igTu_JXJscZ4MESXqnxVbrHaA3wKM1Ay2tqpIZzkDR37rdYf8Au0y5Z8WqPZFNJS3o9Bxeda8i-fM" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiCS4-_NetpoBl71J5GWfvXgwjuueOHs79FnfW_R8yNBYAjDkUocTGZkpfNJXx-NJH-LWGM8s-VqR2lxjdX2WRzKruoGVzS-d1OqhuXc6igTu_JXJscZ4MESXqnxVbrHaA3wKM1Ay2tqpIZzkDR37rdYf8Au0y5Z8WqPZFNJS3o9Bxeda8i-fM=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>73.</b> Dear House Intelligence Committee:<br /> <br />Please excuse President Trump from providing evidence of the previous administration's wiretap of Trump Tower. President Obama's dog, Bo, ate it.<br /> <br />Sincerely,<br />The First Lady<br /> <br /><b>74.</b> I paid less than a dollar for a thousand-dollar wedding. Does that count as a "life hack"?</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhXLwJyIjqpA3qO51UQ7_EQha_hY7iJ9TgHFQlOSLLARKAtXQ8iNuq4WY8RNvcMCKBg-js0tlPAL9jKu9_YVBq9lkfH0DbeXQyZJa6wd5Xfi0SUVC7EwkRRwKFsU1nsyEgIh1RCDH0HX4Sce1MikK-OOj-nt6xhbELVZ2XWYPIEhTEOhNHsaIo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="273" data-original-width="773" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhXLwJyIjqpA3qO51UQ7_EQha_hY7iJ9TgHFQlOSLLARKAtXQ8iNuq4WY8RNvcMCKBg-js0tlPAL9jKu9_YVBq9lkfH0DbeXQyZJa6wd5Xfi0SUVC7EwkRRwKFsU1nsyEgIh1RCDH0HX4Sce1MikK-OOj-nt6xhbELVZ2XWYPIEhTEOhNHsaIo=w400-h141" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>75.</b> It's time for Donald Trump to end his feud with NBC and return to its airwaves, but not as the host of another run of <i>The Apprentice</i>. Instead he should use what he's learned as our nation's president and revamp NBC's series of public service announcements for children ...</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhLRoUbsx6YdrCADWxalGIvls-dr28aCdJ7iHae5xG6sfobnj7mXzO9kpfYP4BVaxe9D9wE9qxi6Jxkg41CSt2uX33lNLchr57aa8xKwqx9uXGbEdVgjREhfOpGVSAxJ4JJjI9x-Rkyfd3U_jr9dCH50W4Txglcvws_zsMTVbySb-bLXJPH4yE" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhLRoUbsx6YdrCADWxalGIvls-dr28aCdJ7iHae5xG6sfobnj7mXzO9kpfYP4BVaxe9D9wE9qxi6Jxkg41CSt2uX33lNLchr57aa8xKwqx9uXGbEdVgjREhfOpGVSAxJ4JJjI9x-Rkyfd3U_jr9dCH50W4Txglcvws_zsMTVbySb-bLXJPH4yE=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>76.</b> When someone has had too much to drink, the linguistic result is a phenomenon known as consonantal drift.</div><div><br /><b>77.</b> The Media: "Trump and Putin sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G / First come compliments / Then comes collusion / Then comes—"<br /> <br />[Nursery rhyme interrupted by missile strike on tree planted by Putin on opposite side of playground.]<br /> <br />The President: "See? I told you stupid jerks I don't like Putin!"<br /> <br /><b>78.</b> Tonight on the Red Line an excitable ten-year-old sat next to me playing with a punctured packet of hot sauce while his dad looked on from a few feet away. I kept waiting for something to go wrong, but I'm somewhat agoraphobic, so I often expect something to go wrong on the Red Line after five o'clock. (By the way, I didn't realize I was somewhat agoraphobic until a few years ago, so if you went to a movie or concert or comedy show with me from approximately 1995 to 2014, I retroactively apologize for making you feel similarly anxious, angry, strangly, etc.)<br /> <br />Luckily, the ten-year-old didn't detonate the hot-sauce packet, but three stops before my destination, a man stepped onto the train with blood dripping down his face as a woman screamed at him from the platform.<br /> <br />If something red is going to be spilled on the Red Line, I'd prefer it be hot sauce, not blood. Have I ever argued otherwise? Then I retroactively apologize for that too.<br /><br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgxoKmwI34b62eexSp6Ll3pNe_79mp-lOkqWzi2Ll9Uinp2x10uktJEzWbk5hw_9KJaeC7NWdQO8LjWRtWFaQnPDRgeXkG1vRcPjNFoxmyHfBJuSd640Sy8qALlQ1EhXbMY9zuTvQgnIERLW5IZGbFIaNZyLOEcXslo9FK7l9M6ZbuU_voiNHs" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgxoKmwI34b62eexSp6Ll3pNe_79mp-lOkqWzi2Ll9Uinp2x10uktJEzWbk5hw_9KJaeC7NWdQO8LjWRtWFaQnPDRgeXkG1vRcPjNFoxmyHfBJuSd640Sy8qALlQ1EhXbMY9zuTvQgnIERLW5IZGbFIaNZyLOEcXslo9FK7l9M6ZbuU_voiNHs=w240-h320" width="240" /></a></div>79.</b> The lamp in my therapist's waiting room isn't Freudian in any way whatsoever, so stop thinking that.<br /><br /><b>80.</b> On <i>Good Morning America</i> Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin told anchor George Stephanopolous that the Trump administration's tax reform plan is partly "about creating tax simplification so that most Americans will be able to fill out their tax returns on a giant postcard."<br /> <br />The postcard will include a photo of the White House on the back and the option of adding "Dear Mr. President: Wish you weren't here!"<br /> <br /><b>81.</b> President Trump is already something of a cartoon character, and Alec Baldwin's impression of him on <i>Saturday Night Live</i> hasn't helped his cause, but when he fired FBI director James Comey yesterday it became inevitable that sooner or later he'll be doing his own impression of a <i>Scooby-Doo</i> villain: "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling [anybody who doesn't work for Fox News or Vladimir Putin]!"<br /> <br /><b>82.</b> "Mormon church pulls older teens out of Boy Scouts," reports the Associated Press, prompting the Catholic Church to issue a statement reassuring its followers: "As we've proven time and time again, Catholics never pull out."</div><div><br /><b>83.</b> For as long as I can remember, the paparazzi have taken pleasure in taking my picture while my mouth is full of doughnut. And for as long as I can remember, my mom has looked good in every picture, with doughnut or without.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg69VpJeEXOjmLb2GLZP6SqtfjYXOAnysyclieP7ZKnubb5MIsnAsqegHD1JKK8x0uO0r8lY-eQxPz1dvUMmRX42crBGZZXXVBNghjsPu_bjoK6PSBPVaGoP9U3XnXUrI0BEWu8LpD20syKXcu_0QeYpWGRmMOBoPQk8lyAoO8dn97zxSKA8-c" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="776" data-original-width="1024" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg69VpJeEXOjmLb2GLZP6SqtfjYXOAnysyclieP7ZKnubb5MIsnAsqegHD1JKK8x0uO0r8lY-eQxPz1dvUMmRX42crBGZZXXVBNghjsPu_bjoK6PSBPVaGoP9U3XnXUrI0BEWu8LpD20syKXcu_0QeYpWGRmMOBoPQk8lyAoO8dn97zxSKA8-c=w400-h303" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>84.</b> "Remember last fall how I said, 'The system is rigged,' over and over again? Then this joker said, with that menacing Russian accent of his, 'You ain't seen nothin' yet'? Classic Sergey!"</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg1gJZu8pVDkzrofaa_dwSRT0N8Z-KcbqRSjRqmInBa-23LDw1eKwMGOZzoidUuX5xP0fDzvRX_njW_Z_GT6UIQPuKRyv_cv95O2q-pYKYeTUXju5zvWjSOoOIXLzg7Jh8shRsisJiVH5XM_EZC1JCa6j8vRpotqZWVT8hIlqjoib-dY3z6ncs" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="506" data-original-width="900" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg1gJZu8pVDkzrofaa_dwSRT0N8Z-KcbqRSjRqmInBa-23LDw1eKwMGOZzoidUuX5xP0fDzvRX_njW_Z_GT6UIQPuKRyv_cv95O2q-pYKYeTUXju5zvWjSOoOIXLzg7Jh8shRsisJiVH5XM_EZC1JCa6j8vRpotqZWVT8hIlqjoib-dY3z6ncs=w400-h225" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>85.</b> Sung to the tune of "God Bless America" by Irving Berlin:</div><div> <br /><i>Bank of America<br />Bank that I owe<br />Lots of money that I borrowed<br />On a card I was sent long ago<br />From the interest to the balance<br />Month to month they grow and grow<br />Bank of America<br />I'll die alooooooooooooooooone</i><br /> <br /><b>86.</b> Sticks and stones may break your bones, but if you make a living writing words, Republican Congressional candidate Greg Gianforte will definitely hurt you. (Stop complaining—your injuries are covered. For now, anyway.)<br /> <br /><b>87.</b> I think it's unfair of people to say that President Trump doesn't care about the environment, because in my lifetime no U.S. president has been more full of fertilizer, or more willing to spread it around the globe, than him.<br /> <br /><b>88.</b> I never thought I'd say this when not watching a campy action movie costarring Jean-Claude Van Damme, but it's true: THE FATE OF MANKIND RESTS IN DENNIS RODMAN'S HANDS.<br /> <br /><b>89.</b> I've listened to approximately 6.3 podcast episodes since the podcast was invented—I don't know—ten years ago? I promise I'm not an anti-podcast snob—I just have trouble listening to a person who isn't "in person" unless I'm driving, and I haven't owned a car since 2004. I've read some detailed, minute-by-minute summaries of podcasts, however, so here are the highlights of the following recording made by my dad in the summer of 1978:<br /> <br /></div><div><iframe allow="autoplay" frameborder="no" height="300" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/328573874&color=%23ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&show_teaser=true&visual=true" width="100%"></iframe><div style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Interstate, "Lucida Grande", "Lucida Sans Unicode", "Lucida Sans", Garuda, Verdana, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; font-weight: 100; line-break: anywhere; overflow: hidden; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap; word-break: normal;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-97924912" style="color: #cccccc; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="rwcass">rwcass</a> · <a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-97924912/1978a" style="color: #cccccc; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="Summer '78">Summer '78</a></div></div><div><br /></div><div> 0:00 – Mike Cass asks his younger son, Robert, age two, to sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm." But Robert refuses because Robert is an artist, and true artists don't take requests.<br /> <br />0:25 – Robert decides to throw his dad a bone and sing the requested song, only to be told that he's singing it incorrectly. Robert now knows how Bob Dylan feels.<br /> <br />0:36 – Mike joins Robert in singing "Old MacDonald" incorrectly. Confounded by the mixed signals he's receiving, Robert makes his own request: "I'd like you not to sing."<br /> <br />0:50 – Mike asks Robert, "Where's Michael?" Michael is Robert's seven-year-old brother. Robert does not respond, "You don't know where your other son is? That's a more pressing concern than the 'real' lyrics of 'Old MacDonald,' don't you think?" Instead, he provides his father with Michael's last known whereabouts: "Michael's at Chuck's."<br /> <br />1:14 – Michael, having returned from Chuck's, leads Robert in singing "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." Purists will argue that Robert has once again deviated from the text, but give credit where credit is due—this toddler nails the loud parts (e.g., "ALVIN!!!!").<br /> <br />1:56 – Robert performs a two-second cover of Linda Ronstadt's unnecessarily longer cover of Buddy Holly & the Crickets' "It's So Easy."<br /> <br />2:01 – Robert performs a six-second cover of Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise." He only seems to know the song's title, so he repeats it in order to pad out his cover version. Robert's no dummy.<br /> <br />2:09 – Michael sings the entire bridge of "Cheeseburger in Paradise." (Show-off!)<br /> <br />2:23 – Mike asks Robert if he's ready to go to Jekyll Island for a family vacation. ("Island" is pronounced with a long I, of course, but Robert makes it clear that it should be pronounced with the longest I possible.) Robert says he expects to eat "hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet" at the beach. He also voices his interest in an indecipherable brand of "chocolate pies" that are "creamy," a plea that Mike, who is strictly middle management when it comes to the Cass household's grocery list, deflects by replying, "We'll have to ask Mommy."<br /> <br />4:00 – Robert sings a song that includes the lyrics "I'm a happy man / I'm doing all I can." Thirty-nine years later Robert can't find any evidence online of this song's existence. Is it a Dylan tune that Robert improved with new lyrics? All signs point to yes.<br /> <br />4:30 – Mike makes a request to hear what's commonly known as "the alphabet song." Robert is feeling generous this time around—it's nice that fans still want to hear his greatest hits, after all—so he begins to sing. Then Michael joins in. Uh-oh. "Not you!" Robert hisses. But that's what their dear ol' dad wants, so Robert backs down. Besides, he's a little shaky on some of the letters, especially that tricky T-U-V combo near the end of the alphabet, so it can't hurt to have a capable backing vocalist on hand. But, just to be clear, this is a one-off—Miss Ross is <i>not</i> getting back together with the Supremes, okay, big brother?<br /> <br />5:08 – Well, maybe just one more—Robert graciously allows Michael to accompany him on "Old MacDonald Had a Farm." Robert's uncanny ability to simultaneously be ahead of and behind the beat is still being studied today.<br /> <br />6:28 – Michael points out that when Robert sang about being a happy man earlier in the podcast, he provoked controversy with the pointed lyric "Sweet Jesus messin' me up." Does Robert believe that organized religion in the post-Watergate era (historical tidbit: Jerry Falwell founded the Moral Majority just one year later) can have a deleterious effect on ankle-biters? It's difficult to say, partly because Robert immediately declares that he's a teddy bear.<br /> <br />6:41 – Michael asks Robert what he would like to sing next, but before his little brother can answer, Michael launches into "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Robert is shocked by this obvious power play, so he lets Michael know—hypocritically, one might add—that he's flubbed the lyrics: the titular reindeer does not have "a Chinese nose." Robert can then be heard leaving the room, presumably disgusted that Michael does not share his professional standards, thus allowing Michael to finish "Rudolph" as a solo that requires no translation.<br /> <br />7:48 – Robert returns, closing out the podcast with an encore of his "happy man" song despite sounding more like a tired little boy who could really use a nap. But today he is a man, at least according to his tax returns, who's happy to have a father who loves him and his brother very, very much.</div><div><br /><b>90.</b> If you hear someone say, "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" you might be in the land of Oz, but it's more likely that you've wandered into a gay sports bar in Detroit.<br /> <br /><b>91.</b> Yesterday I walked past a man as he said to his daughter, "You know some things you think of you don't have to say, right?" And some things we hear in public we don't have to repeat on Facebook, but you ain't my daddy!<br /> <br /><b>92.</b> On Saturday in Saluda, North Carolina, where my parents have lived since 2009, I ran my first 5K race. My goal was to keep moving at a steady pace no matter what, a goal I've tried to reach in various aspects of my life this year, and I was happy with my results—until I saw that I was beaten by Dennis Duffy, Liz Lemon's weaselly ex-boyfriend on the sitcom <i>30 Rock</i>.<br /><br />In other words, a fictional character.<br /> <br />I don't expect to outrun a cheetah before I die, but if I participate in the Coon Dog Day 5K next year and discover I was outrun by Chester Cheetah, I won't be happy about it.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhUNMjcFnqbNLDlhcHFY-gKfmTUFs2jl_wJANXQ7BWtia_oRcvpepLSu3SR4R35W9EknXtAiyRULcQ7fDVaHxkylaA6lcVs4RD1Dh9THBWkbtUptmXWjCbx2ID-8nQ0oJlGuwNn8HL0JWS0FBVOOLU51Ad7HDHT9rYv3YxSTldlnP83gylkSho" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="161" data-original-width="781" height="83" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhUNMjcFnqbNLDlhcHFY-gKfmTUFs2jl_wJANXQ7BWtia_oRcvpepLSu3SR4R35W9EknXtAiyRULcQ7fDVaHxkylaA6lcVs4RD1Dh9THBWkbtUptmXWjCbx2ID-8nQ0oJlGuwNn8HL0JWS0FBVOOLU51Ad7HDHT9rYv3YxSTldlnP83gylkSho=w400-h83" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>93.</b> Puppeteer Steve Whitmire, who inherited the role of Kermit the Frog after Muppets creator Jim Henson died in 1990, has been fired by Disney, the parent company of the Muppets Studio. According to a source interviewed by The Hollywood Reporter, Whitmire was "overly hostile and unproductive" in his exchanges with colleagues.<br /> <br />To cite one example, in an e-mail he sent to coworkers and Disney executives in 2016 Whitmire wrote, "Kermit's 100% right - it's not easy being green, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR [sic] SURROUNDED BY COMPLETE F___ING IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!"<br /> <br />Whitmire is reportedly considering a run for president—as a Green Party candidate, naturally—in 2020.<br /> <br /><b>94.</b> <i>The Washington Post</i> is reporting that "the upper estimate for annual transgender medical costs in the military," which President Trump cited as a key factor in his decision to ban transgender people from service, is "a thousandth of 1 percent of the Defense Department's annual budget." To put that number into perspective, it's equal to the percentage of brain power that people currently serving as president of the United States have used since taking office.<br /> <br /><b>95.</b> Despite receiving a discouraging midyear performance review, Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the Associated Press that President Trump and he share "a harmony of values and beliefs."<br /> <br />C'mon, dawg, it's 2017—anybody can fake a harmony with Auto-Tune.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>96.</b> Copy editors, I know times are tough—even the "failing" <i>New York Times</i> is offering buyouts to some of you these days as it makes online-first breaking news a top priority—but when handling stories about the White House, you can easily avoid redundancies by shortening "another chaotic week" to "another week" or, even more succinct, "the usual."</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEicK_7WZ3u-2AfBQ0xB9bLFuWwkukTjKa_F4_BI53OCktCOxYN4cki05gspV0ijcrMOM-1UjmcdP1T9jIIQNsf_Vf4qZqvkC62n7jSA6PK6ClkM8mWp2OHMvNQpV3_zx59-iHdU95ZKR-dPOjs1CgJlWN-w0QNL4jc8gXsOc-I7z5VJFlIhCI0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="647" data-original-width="1259" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEicK_7WZ3u-2AfBQ0xB9bLFuWwkukTjKa_F4_BI53OCktCOxYN4cki05gspV0ijcrMOM-1UjmcdP1T9jIIQNsf_Vf4qZqvkC62n7jSA6PK6ClkM8mWp2OHMvNQpV3_zx59-iHdU95ZKR-dPOjs1CgJlWN-w0QNL4jc8gXsOc-I7z5VJFlIhCI0=w400-h205" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>97.</b> Commit a serious crime in Russia and you'll be banished to Siberia. But if you whine about the severity of your sentence you'll be tossed in the Crimea River.<br /> <br /><b>98.</b> "This is so unfair! You know I haven't made any friends here since the move, but when I ask a friend from back home to come visit for the summer, you want him to leave after just ten days because you don't like his attitude! Well, guess what? I hate you, and I hate this stupid town!!!!"<br /> <br />—President Donald Trump, after being told by his new chief of staff, John Kelly, that recently hired communications director Anthony Scaramucci has gots to go<br /> <br />"Hey, Chris, whatcha doin' this summer? ... Uh, hello? ... Hello? ... Hey, did you just hang up on me? DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME?!?!"<br /> <br />—President Trump, five minutes later, after dialing "old pal" Chris Christie, who's had it up to here with big shots<br /> <br /><b>99.</b> The White House is considering an investigation of alleged discrimination against white students applying to U.S. colleges, according to <i>The New York Times</i>.<br /> <br />In a leaked memo President Trump stated, "When Marisa Tomei didn't return for the second season of <i>A Different World</i> in the fall of 1988, I, like most Americans who have a thing for Marisa Tomei, wanted to know why. Now, at long last, we can get to the bottom of this mystery."<br /> <br /><b>100.</b> On my way home from downtown last Sunday I passed by dozens of teenagers and college kids headed to Grant Park for Lollapalooza. When I got to a bus stop where I could catch the 147 a man in his 50s walked up and said, "Man, I'll be glad when all of these events are over. Too many kids with their heads down, looking at their phones instead of where they're going."<br /> <br />I replied, with a smile, "Yeah, but that's everybody these days," thinking he was engaging me in conversation. Oh, Robert, how naive of you.<br /> <br />As this man ignored me and continued to complain, it dawned on me that I was witnessing the offline equivalent of one of those Facebook rants where the ranter disregards all incoming comments because he's too busy thinking up his next rant.<br /> <br />Youth may be wasted on the young, but wisdom is often wasted on the—<br /> <br />OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT DID THAT OLD MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAY THIS TIME?<br /> <br /><b>101.</b> This 2007 photo of Bobby Lashley and Donald Trump was taken at WrestleMania 23, a fake sporting event, but it just might represent the most genuine expression of racial unity President Trump will ever muster. Sad. (No, not "Sad!" like the president often exclaims at the end of his whiny tweets. Just sad, like almost everything that's happened since Saturday.)</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjy2HEDBMhTQjWJnEjnOND46083fRkOfz8nSIdMBLFj4-zX-BUhbSwhrpP3CI0vRcLmw5UuhlSnivF1rLYte8Kk5kN9RCQjwrGzDE-GRPfR1J-C_VXnBzuAkIXcZs4epKc0bIUKV50iGI0NnEB4-86ZkCjMwmqA9QzFU11NaywW5zFYXXQkgnw" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjy2HEDBMhTQjWJnEjnOND46083fRkOfz8nSIdMBLFj4-zX-BUhbSwhrpP3CI0vRcLmw5UuhlSnivF1rLYte8Kk5kN9RCQjwrGzDE-GRPfR1J-C_VXnBzuAkIXcZs4epKc0bIUKV50iGI0NnEB4-86ZkCjMwmqA9QzFU11NaywW5zFYXXQkgnw=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>102.</b> Martin Shkreli's "Bring Me a Strand of Hair From the Head of Hillary Clinton" isn't the remake of Sam Peckinpah's <i>Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia</i> that anyone was asking for, but he's going to jail for it, and he's someone who deserves to be in jail, and I don't have an ending for this joke, but it doesn't really matter since Martin Shkreli is going to jail, where one can only hope that a 5,000 percent markup on a carton of Camels awaits him.</div><div> <br /><b>103.</b> FICTION: "I've lived a hardscrabble life."<br /> <br />NONFICTION: "My life has been hard. I've never won a game of Scrabble."</div><div><br /></div><div><b>104.</b> "Republican primary voters have historically flirted with warriors like Cruz but gone home with nominees who promise to redirect government, not annihilate the opposition," wrote Ronald Brownstein in a September 27, 2013, op-ed for the Los Angeles Times on Texas senator Ted Cruz's anti-Obamacare filibuster. (I have a bad habit of not throwing out old newspapers.) Four years later Cruz is the one doing the flirting—with a porn star on Twitter, apparently—and the GOP's eventual 2016 nominee for president, who won "The U.S. Government Apprentice" against all odds, is threatening to annihilate an entire country. But at least we have our health—and our healthcare, for now, also against all odds.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhizkw8ppUh5KgvICuD-cHQI2Saz68Y1vw-KxvnFVsMhzQEm0bxSRmk7gvu6nC8N8ifGZ8ETclRdoKcffZaTFX6Ii4EdczS5T_on-rhDVXuq2gV--A_jQ-WrsifbAeUjo1GEZ0w-FK89eEq8QwKpVh_oHd6j77uJL2GcVASW0kDxCJIMWH9afs" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhizkw8ppUh5KgvICuD-cHQI2Saz68Y1vw-KxvnFVsMhzQEm0bxSRmk7gvu6nC8N8ifGZ8ETclRdoKcffZaTFX6Ii4EdczS5T_on-rhDVXuq2gV--A_jQ-WrsifbAeUjo1GEZ0w-FK89eEq8QwKpVh_oHd6j77uJL2GcVASW0kDxCJIMWH9afs=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /></div><div><b>105.</b> President Trump is saying mean things about Kim Jong-un. Kim is saying mean things about Trump. And the rest of the world is saying, "Get a room!" just to see if Trump will become pro-choice after his one-night stand with Kim produces a sequel to Rosemary's baby.<br /> <br /><b>106.</b> Monty Hall, who cocreated the game show <i>Let's Make a Deal</i> and hosted it from 1963 to '91, has died at the age of 96. The Devil, on the other hand, is very much alive and wants President Trump to know that he hasn't forgotten about the deal they made last November. "An eternity as a tackle dummy for damned NFL players in a climate much hotter than Puerto Rico's awaits!" said the Dark One in an official statement.<br /> <br /><b>107.</b> Last Sunday morning I watched half an episode of <i>BoJack Horseman</i>—a cartoon, for those who haven't seen it—on Netflix. One of the subplots centered on a movie studio debating whether or not to delay the release of an action movie featuring a mass shooting in a shopping mall because of all the mass shootings happening in real life.<br /> <br />I only watched half of the episode because I wanted to finish writing about a concert that took place 20 years ago. That task, which I'd started the previous Sunday, took up most of the day because me not write good fast, but at 9 PM Central time I posted what I'd written online, then went to bed about an hour and a half later.<br /> <br />When I woke up the next morning I saw an AP headline on my phone about a mass shooting at a concert in Las Vegas. The concert I'd spent most of Sunday writing about took place in Las Vegas in 1997. What are the odds?<br /> <br />And in far less self-centered terms, what are the odds that mass shootings won't become even more of a regular occurrence in our country if Congress doesn't pass stricter gun-control laws sooner rather than later? "Law of averages plainly states that chances go around," sings Teddy Pendergrass in Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes' 1975 song "Bad Luck," but as George Johnson wrote in <i>The New York Times</i> less than two years ago, "Psychologists who study how the human mind responds to randomness call this the gambler's fallacy—the belief that on some cosmic plane a run of bad luck creates an imbalance that must ultimately be corrected, a pressure that must be relieved. After several bad rolls, surely the dice are primed to land in a more advantageous way."<br /> <br />I don't have children, but I do have two nieces who mean the world to me, and sooner rather than later they'll be going to concerts and nightclubs and movie theaters on their own, destinations for escapism that, as recent history has shown, can unexpectedly turn into traps.<br /> <br />Not everyone who owns a gun is a terrorist in the making, of course, but at what point does the United States of America stop gambling on the safety of its citizens? Australia stopped rolling the dice on gun control more than 20 years ago. They're Down Under. Aren't we supposed to be on top?<br /> <br /><b>108.</b> On Saturday I walked through Oz Park and saw a little girl in a princess costume hand her plastic scepter to her dad before entering a porta-potty.<br /> <br />But on the bright side she'll never have to work for Harvey Weinstein.<br /> <br /><b>109.</b> "The US Coast Guard says 2 women lost at sea for five months had an emergency beacon - but it was never activated," according to an AP headline that lit up my phone last night. That may sound like the plot of a movie Cinemax would've shown "after dark" 20 years ago, but thanks to the recent activity of the U.S. special counsel's Russia probe, it's also a decent analogy for America as we approach the one-year anniversary of the election that led us toward the dark. (And no, we probably couldn't have done it without you, your e-mail account, or your can't-spell-"Skinemax"-without-the-X factor, Anthony Weiner.)<br /> <br /><b>110.</b> "Cook County's masturbation epidemic is out of hand" is one of the cover headlines on this week's <i>Chicago Reader</i>. But since Louis C.K. won't be performing at the Chicago Theatre anytime soon, we are making progress.<br /> <br /><b>111.</b> Yesterday I learned that the version of ESPN's <i>SportsCenter</i> that appears on Snapchat won't be able to show NFL game highlights because of rights restrictions. As if life wasn't already unfair enough for the millions of teenage girls who use Snapchat.<br /> <br />Actually, that joke was unfair. Just because I don't know anyone who uses Snapchat doesn't mean it's not enjoyed by football fans and/or stalkers of teenage girls, and for that I apologize, Judge Moore.<br /> <br /><b>112.</b> Leeann Tweeden, in the spirit of "anything for a laugh," you now have permission to perform nonconsensual prostate surgery on Senator Al Franken.</div><div><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="https://youtube.com/embed/IBCGEQb6a4s" width="520"></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div><b>113.</b> Last weekend at Trader Joe's I bought a carton of half and half with an expiration date of January 20, but it had already soured by the time I broke the seal a few days later.<br /> <br />Maybe that had something to do with the date, because last January 20 more than half of us who cast our votes in the 2016 presidential election smelled something sour long before the latest presidential seal was broken.<br /> <br /><b>114.</b> Paul Westerberg (of "Dope Smokin Moron," "Takin a Ride," "Hangin Downtown," "Somethin to Dü," "Swingin Party," and "Knockin on Mine," but not "We're Comin' Out," "Achin' to Be," "Darlin' One," "Hide N Seekin'," "Kickin' the Stall," and "Knockin' Em Back," and don't ask me what to dü about "Answering Machine," "Shooting Dirty Pool," "Asking Me Lies," and "Something Is Me") wuz here.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgFC2fsvxbADD-pLuAap91OlMzHKROEEwunk1E435D8oajBTwYsVqNsOPg9INQGaKjv_DlI-igkWeVkqv5o65UFBUsZlFYb2zZGqdJB-F-RFQPx1ut52y9nl4iLMJR-IZrPYrIkN9Q5YAMshQcZZ1yDBzJdZzf2mBa8I2ZF6ltpICdLrba37EU" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgFC2fsvxbADD-pLuAap91OlMzHKROEEwunk1E435D8oajBTwYsVqNsOPg9INQGaKjv_DlI-igkWeVkqv5o65UFBUsZlFYb2zZGqdJB-F-RFQPx1ut52y9nl4iLMJR-IZrPYrIkN9Q5YAMshQcZZ1yDBzJdZzf2mBa8I2ZF6ltpICdLrba37EU=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>115.</b> Mr. Rundgren, I've always liked your song "It Wouldn't Have Made Any Difference," but I'm afraid it really does make a difference whether or not your concert tonight at Chicago's Park West is sold out.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhTmQGBoBPQV7kti-7HyFA7kHGaIIV0KEkMqyCJTdr1R1jIIvpy-X_KYi9UUddGpBszLKNoHxXOQVpccwrNkBbQewb5Om7rYSVmYnNxp0vQRkzb6v13bKnmDx8jFuzDqWcnbOvjJYU2pPXEBJT6kgJ3wNWo5VC9JcSuFl-UL6u3cNxPBFznFM4" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhTmQGBoBPQV7kti-7HyFA7kHGaIIV0KEkMqyCJTdr1R1jIIvpy-X_KYi9UUddGpBszLKNoHxXOQVpccwrNkBbQewb5Om7rYSVmYnNxp0vQRkzb6v13bKnmDx8jFuzDqWcnbOvjJYU2pPXEBJT6kgJ3wNWo5VC9JcSuFl-UL6u3cNxPBFznFM4=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>116.</b> I have to agree.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjaH2cwKGPoOYIioN1HRcGITl1A3ojMi5fRKKm-PAgjlYAQQ1sPQCjcSGaGNu0hGsq41QXwEtjDNV_9yjJqoBsScfvgtrjrgskJvgNg1a1h9NjN8u3f6bWvxn_KnFM4cTnpT-3pWk-mGPqj_VAC6sMiCvapGP7PIiEfu2HXvX82v8kJIojvUjI" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjaH2cwKGPoOYIioN1HRcGITl1A3ojMi5fRKKm-PAgjlYAQQ1sPQCjcSGaGNu0hGsq41QXwEtjDNV_9yjJqoBsScfvgtrjrgskJvgNg1a1h9NjN8u3f6bWvxn_KnFM4cTnpT-3pWk-mGPqj_VAC6sMiCvapGP7PIiEfu2HXvX82v8kJIojvUjI=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>117.</b> On the train a few nights ago I overheard a woman enthusiastically ask a man, "Are you taking a selfie?"</div><br />He answered, "Yes, I'm a civilian."<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhrEcW4xwo6hWIc26A0D1ztORRT7c0Hmo8jxGeuetWTCH_f9C9rF-YEK9JVH60gXY6TXiy19JknVN6iWd1ElAVNpyP8wN2o3XLWxks2FcEXO6vuC9QCwahkjqIy-i945BE8Xed6V-NjWuM7ivyu3hldzug4-VvO-YFZpH5_DnfRXKLBnV94x8E" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2320" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhrEcW4xwo6hWIc26A0D1ztORRT7c0Hmo8jxGeuetWTCH_f9C9rF-YEK9JVH60gXY6TXiy19JknVN6iWd1ElAVNpyP8wN2o3XLWxks2FcEXO6vuC9QCwahkjqIy-i945BE8Xed6V-NjWuM7ivyu3hldzug4-VvO-YFZpH5_DnfRXKLBnV94x8E=w300-h400" width="300" /></a></div>Judging by how far he was holding his phone from his face, I'd say he was also farsighted—his hearing faculties were arguably on the far side as well—but as a fellow civilian, albeit one who's been nearsighted since age seven, I'd like to add that a selfie taken by a Sophie, in particular my younger niece, shouldn't cause any confusion, because Sophie is selfless and will always bring out your best self if you're lucky enough to wander into her frame.</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>118.</b> In September 1995, my first month as a student at the University of Georgia, I attended a Bulldogs football game at Sanford Stadium. The home team scored early, so I cheered—except it was the opposing team with similar colors, the University of Alabama, that had scored, which helped explain why no one around me was cheering.</div><div><div> <br />My face, like both teams' uniforms, was red. And a few hours later it was literally red since I'd forgotten to put on sunscreen before heading to the game. It was probably best for everyone that I left after the first quarter.<br /> <br />According to Wikipedia, the Bulldogs lost that September 30 game to the Crimson Tide 31-0. I don't have cable, so I didn't see last night's National Championship game, but I enjoyed following the score online by refreshing Google every few minutes. <br /> <br />Yeah, so "our" team lost, but remember this, Bulldog fans: unlike the Crimson Tide, the Dawgs would never stoop so low as to name themselves after a popular Denzel Washington-Gene Hackman movie released just five months before I attended my one and only football game at UGA. The Dawgs aren't bandwagon jumpers. That's because they're named after bulldogs, severely inbred creatures that are so unhealthy they can't jump on anything more than a few inches off the ground without the risk of shortening their already abbreviated lifespans.<br /> <br />Can I get a "Goooooo, Dawgs! Sic 'em! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"?<br /> <br />Fine, I'll leave.<br /> <br /><b>119.</b> Today on Netflix I watched the sixth episode of <i>Mindhunter</i>, in which the main characters, a couple of late-'70s FBI agents, investigate a murder in ... Haiti, perhaps, judging by the subtitles pictured below? Or maybe somewhere in Africa? Actually, the crime they're trying to solve took place in Altoona, Pennsylvania, a city located in a county that voted overwhelmingly in favor of Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.<br /> <br />The lesson would appear to be: don't act like your own shithole doesn't stink.<br /> <br />(My apologies to Blair County, Pennsylvania—I'm sure you're a wonderful county once a person gets to know you. Also, my apologies to my mother, who doesn't like when I cuss on Facebook, but, in my defense, the president of the United States made me do it.)</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh3leM5isGiGEe5eF09LX2GtqdRwhVyjYmENvtesBbnOXvSwLKaAi3NWmZwy6YnZX4DFV04BGCIFnQn9GWy8kkLjMZ7nqJyJ5ws1xvPEMkXStjKAX72_xCzXFmWC7Pdwxu_8whY70QBvL0b5F3B-hlpdD-KGK8X3T6B7z9uEhnryvor3kXzs9o" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh3leM5isGiGEe5eF09LX2GtqdRwhVyjYmENvtesBbnOXvSwLKaAi3NWmZwy6YnZX4DFV04BGCIFnQn9GWy8kkLjMZ7nqJyJ5ws1xvPEMkXStjKAX72_xCzXFmWC7Pdwxu_8whY70QBvL0b5F3B-hlpdD-KGK8X3T6B7z9uEhnryvor3kXzs9o=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>120.</b> "U.K. Appoints a Minister for Loneliness," reports <i>The New York Times</i>. <br /> <br />If you were hoping the appointee would be <a href="https://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/2013/11/not-mute-witness.html" target="_blank">Morrissey</a>, good news—you're not alone.<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjxjb2mcnyTUU2ytuv0sGDJgNmv6uXmOXGEcfloCrtqGxUs3tx5Gto5dWcwdpwqQAP0RppTHgiIqZdPbKLeEBEGJMlWuYc76MQyWksL8R9DpCYnQjNvDP--WOdguYnyVn5GgxB0ipq_GVGnNop3n3RQcBp16kaVfLC8l6t1XMG9oUwtuPXo0p4" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="428" data-original-width="570" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjxjb2mcnyTUU2ytuv0sGDJgNmv6uXmOXGEcfloCrtqGxUs3tx5Gto5dWcwdpwqQAP0RppTHgiIqZdPbKLeEBEGJMlWuYc76MQyWksL8R9DpCYnQjNvDP--WOdguYnyVn5GgxB0ipq_GVGnNop3n3RQcBp16kaVfLC8l6t1XMG9oUwtuPXo0p4" width="320" /></a></div>121.</b> Children give each other friendship bracelets. Christian teenagers exchange purity rings. But in the Trump administration nothing says "I'm yours, at least until I'm fired or you're removed from office, sir" like a Loyalty Leash. Now available in Trump Tower Gold® wherever souls are sold in the nation's capital (but mostly in the Oval Office, and shut the door behind you) ...</div><div><br /></div><div><b>122.</b> Did you know that Paul Revere never actually said, "The British are coming"? According to historians who weren't in Boston on April 18, 1775, anyway. Along those lines, did you know that Revere also didn't say, "The revolution will not be televised"? But if he had, would he be wrong?<br /> <br /><b>123.</b> The next time you're in Illinois, visit Assumption. It's a gossipy little town, but considerably less hostile than its neighbor, Accusation.<br /> <br /><b>124.</b> Back when Donald Trump was running for president for the only time (fingers crossed!), I imagined him imagining a remake of <i>Die Hard</i> in which he would be the hero battling Russian terrorists in Trump Tower, except Trump would reject their place of origin as "a rumor spread by the failing CNN. So dishonest and sad, because it's obvious they're just really pale Muslims." <br /> <br />The character of John McClane, originally played by Bruce Willis, would be in Trump's remake, but he would be captured by the terrorists in the movie's first act, allowing Trump to paraphrase a comment he made on the campaign trail in 2015 about a former Republican Party presidential candidate: "John McClane's not a hero. He got captured. I like heroes who don't get captured."<br /> <br />Well, almost 30 years after <i>Die Hard</i> was released in theaters, Donald Trump is having his action-hero moment, telling the nation's governors at the White House on Monday that "I really believe I'd run in there even if I didn't have a weapon," in reference to the February 14 mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.<br /> <br />The bone spurs in President Trump's heels that prevented him from running into Vietnam in the '60s must no longer be a concern in his 70s, but he fails to see that the character he most resembles in <i>Die Hard</i> is Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), who promotes a fake political agenda to the FBI and the media to disguise the fact that he's interested in only one thing: money.<br /> <br />"After all your posturing, all your speeches, you're nothing but a common thief," says John McClane's wife, Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), an observation that causes Gruber to lose his cool. But in the same situation I bet our president would've responded, "So you live on one coast and your husband lives on the other? Yeah, I know what that means, sweetheart ..."<br /> <br />Old habits, after all, die hard.<br /> <br /><b>125.</b> Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a jacket with the phrase "BELLY OF THE BEAST" printed on the back. To which the whale replied, "You're not so pretty yourself, you know."<br /> <br /><b>126.</b> This spring I plan to open a pop-up store named Starbuck's that sells nothing but tattered paperbacks of <i>Moby-Dick</i> and incomplete DVD box sets of <i>Battlestar Galactica</i> just to see who walks in the door without looking up from their phone.</div><br /><b>127.</b> Behold! An interesting white in all its glory!</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg-dhLoub9Pia1TQQdNcouKll2UUig5fNCD-J_3ySh8CBBX5A_04fs75CHIvcBEUTW1Vh4M6Kat6m4GykAsaWB9kmqGXgyjZu2C2hc0Vo6GsrZE6MvA02jqFYuqA0BeAUn9e6MZniLJVGfxqoQhzisiaxp9hm8vkELabk-d8txFncYK4wqlNR8" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg-dhLoub9Pia1TQQdNcouKll2UUig5fNCD-J_3ySh8CBBX5A_04fs75CHIvcBEUTW1Vh4M6Kat6m4GykAsaWB9kmqGXgyjZu2C2hc0Vo6GsrZE6MvA02jqFYuqA0BeAUn9e6MZniLJVGfxqoQhzisiaxp9hm8vkELabk-d8txFncYK4wqlNR8=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div><b>128.</b> President Trump has fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. "We were not really thinking the same," he explained to reporters at the White House on Tuesday, adding, "Basically, Rex was thinking, which never has been, and never will be, tolerated in my administration."</div><div> <br /><b>129.</b> BAD HALLMARK CARD #7,343:<br /> <br />[front] Our love is written in the stars.<br /> <br />[inside] If only we owned a telescope ... (Oh, and I suppose it's my fault we can't afford a telescope? Go ahead, say it. Say, "I told you it was a pyramid scheme." SAY IT!!!!)<br /> <br /><b>130.</b> After opening last week's issue of the <i>Chicago Reader</i> while waiting for the train in the underground Monroe station, I turned to an article by John Greenfield on CTA sanitation. As I read the sentence "But at the CTA's Washington stop on the Blue Line, dark urine stains perpetually line the outer walls around the stairs and escalators that take you to and from the platform," a drop of water fell from the station's ceiling onto my newspaper. Or at least it seemed to be water, but the spot where it landed turned yellow.<br /> <br />You can understand why I was disappointed when I read the headline "Minimal techno master Wolfgang Voigt returns to his 'imaginary, misty forest'" in this week's <i>Reader</i> and wasn't immediately spritzed with the contents of a spray bottle. <br /> <br />I honestly look forward to seeing how an interactive reading experience can improve the bottom line for print media, but so far I'm only half convinced.<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhDcvBDTBIAKTIq_upWJ632-iEBc-1zE4__N3muYbrzT_n7LSulg3tyv41KQK6CNwjoIE4KIVEIOMnLzNccTodvSrAgadu23x8cpdXBZ98AmbH84-yDYKp_Lekv1kAKfznKdaRumNGa04lQvjs1TWGCfaH7W3Uk3a9OMFKqhtp7O21exHxeb2k" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhDcvBDTBIAKTIq_upWJ632-iEBc-1zE4__N3muYbrzT_n7LSulg3tyv41KQK6CNwjoIE4KIVEIOMnLzNccTodvSrAgadu23x8cpdXBZ98AmbH84-yDYKp_Lekv1kAKfznKdaRumNGa04lQvjs1TWGCfaH7W3Uk3a9OMFKqhtp7O21exHxeb2k=w240-h320" width="240" /></a></div>131.</b> I took a few minutes to fill out a form online Friday night so that I could officially marry these two moisturizer bottles. Unfortunately, just a few minutes after the service ended the top left the bottom for a beer bottle in my recycling bin after shouting, "I've given you everything I have!" Sad, but perhaps it's for the best.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>132.</b> "Trump administration considering plan that would allow states to require drug testing for some food stamp recipients," reports the AP. <br /> <br />Fine, as long as drug testing is also required for some extremely rich, extremely white hair-plug recipients. (Don't worry, Matthew McConaughey, you're alright alright alright—for now, anyway.)<br /> <br /><b>133.</b> Bill Cosby's Comedy Central special <i>Far From Finished</i> aired on November 23, 2013.</div><div> <br />I guess you could say "far" doesn't go as far as it used to.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgkVR_cg2EiPyQKDphCCNd26KPVdgwwZMZhPLEGJBpB6zpHYAe9F1GhhqkDGcORqseIU_ukP7FCe1xHrLNHPrROd74qXGcM3OrFAL715MuHZQNOR3DSLK-GDh3eGQwynxCB-cSUChoYA8gTEVvsjLPxot9_1P1FQLopn0-NzbWHS553wujK1Dg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgkVR_cg2EiPyQKDphCCNd26KPVdgwwZMZhPLEGJBpB6zpHYAe9F1GhhqkDGcORqseIU_ukP7FCe1xHrLNHPrROd74qXGcM3OrFAL715MuHZQNOR3DSLK-GDh3eGQwynxCB-cSUChoYA8gTEVvsjLPxot9_1P1FQLopn0-NzbWHS553wujK1Dg=w300-h400" width="300" /></a></div><br /><b>134.</b> Life is short. Just ask the business that last occupied this space.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEihalh0XTDUWTLhn1Epn0qW5KP6cB5hrf7QVhNJXnMC1hGc5Fn_OMeHGR1fJkMc4ZK0LUyKhnCoqKMQtb9_vfJPOztMePilN6T9wRUHaPKPG74EOechFAOHFL8K8o8IgAlEta3np1TxOeYnJLNRvKF732zciGhAgebREA0hOrhBjniqzsROmdA" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEihalh0XTDUWTLhn1Epn0qW5KP6cB5hrf7QVhNJXnMC1hGc5Fn_OMeHGR1fJkMc4ZK0LUyKhnCoqKMQtb9_vfJPOztMePilN6T9wRUHaPKPG74EOechFAOHFL8K8o8IgAlEta3np1TxOeYnJLNRvKF732zciGhAgebREA0hOrhBjniqzsROmdA=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>135.</b> You are buhmumblemumble.</div><br />Sorry, what I meant to say was: you are beautiful. I have a bad habit of trailing off.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjQC0hzKEY1m3Owh8iSuvbI31VmOtcfiIQoTqW25LKh6dV-im6iCuNz7fn9_2sv8wKnDpzqZepdo29NaLOZO3GK7gUOrRiwku2qeTnEX99Fr3Y5yZHHgkl_Wt1IBtKYn8Q0_ETF0mZNdKLuZTUqCJaJVg7_0f2OVTQ1xrqZSBXDK78VueuBCc8" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjQC0hzKEY1m3Owh8iSuvbI31VmOtcfiIQoTqW25LKh6dV-im6iCuNz7fn9_2sv8wKnDpzqZepdo29NaLOZO3GK7gUOrRiwku2qeTnEX99Fr3Y5yZHHgkl_Wt1IBtKYn8Q0_ETF0mZNdKLuZTUqCJaJVg7_0f2OVTQ1xrqZSBXDK78VueuBCc8=w400-h300" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div><b>136.</b> It's curious how certain holidays, official or otherwise, have synced up so far this year: Ash Wednesday fell on February 14, which we celebrate as Valentine's Day; Easter Sunday was April 1, otherwise known as April Fool's Day; and the Kentucky Derby took place on May 5, a.k.a. Cinco de Mayo.</div><div> <br />Now compare that triple play to last year's calendar, when Inauguration Day coincided with Judgment Day, but aside from that—<br /> <br />Actually, that was enough. That was more than enough.<br /> <br /><b>137.</b> Donald Glover's sideways homage to Oran "Juice" Jones's 1986 hit "The Rain" on <i>Saturday Night Live</i> last night reminded me of a certain segment of Jones's monologue at the end of that song:<br /> <br />"My first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo, whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you, but I ain't wanna mess up this $3,700 lynx coat."<br /> <br />There's the answer to gun control in our country: we just need to buy every member of the NRA a fur coat they'd hate to ruin. Blood on your hands is one thing, but blood on your fur? Unthinkable.<br /> <br />Next, we'll need to buy every member of PETA a yacht, but first things first.<br /> <br /><b>138.</b> "People play golf as an ash plume rises in the distance from the Kilauea volcano on Hawaii's Big Island," says the caption on CNN.com, but "Visual metaphor for a typical day at the office for President Trump" would also suffice.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEivi74hfz5ZKZsYVcvg0E3D8GHbwiF1ppMtaKwze_0GpuroR710WFClErSDwElMKoEIyJgWhT_U6XlgMdhl2Qhx0Usa2il3RK50GGG4pFt6z1DepMfXjpbThESFZpGIiS3T0kuJAEZzaeNXEcG1Ry_gQjTdW2-cEgB5ggQ-4LCRqltyn0r9sz8" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="617" data-original-width="994" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEivi74hfz5ZKZsYVcvg0E3D8GHbwiF1ppMtaKwze_0GpuroR710WFClErSDwElMKoEIyJgWhT_U6XlgMdhl2Qhx0Usa2il3RK50GGG4pFt6z1DepMfXjpbThESFZpGIiS3T0kuJAEZzaeNXEcG1Ry_gQjTdW2-cEgB5ggQ-4LCRqltyn0r9sz8=w400-h249" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>139.</b> "NFL owners approve policy allowing players to stay in locker room for national anthem, but they must stand if on field," reports the Associated Press. However, a hologram of President Trump will be loudly spewing "locker-room talk" in the direction of any player who chooses to stay behind, and, as predicted, every comment will be preceded with "I'm the least racist person you know, BUT ..."</div><div> <br /><b>140.</b> Starting with the original <i>Star Wars</i> in 1977, Memorial Day weekend marked the official start of the summer movie season for decades to come.<br /> <br />Tomorrow disgraced movie executive Harvey Weinstein will reportedly be arrested in New York City on multiple counts of sexual assault that span decades.<br /> <br />The evil monster has been defeated. Life imitates art.*<br /> <br />*Life is not a movie. Which is why we continue to watch movies.<br /> <br /><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh1UiAbTC4za4fk7yMxS9oWc-RRA772t7iBMFdrkus4xQRKDfueHCpcQYJFXFbKBTF_ZRL4bbXZol6uKFBW17ozZFJtbv6KdU8qX-9hORYaT2jr4EtfwlhzLRwKQWOBGWweBRF-xOK9ylgD1maTIYhp6jSKH9gOUnORR7T_ky74i5KMIHoOd2I" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh1UiAbTC4za4fk7yMxS9oWc-RRA772t7iBMFdrkus4xQRKDfueHCpcQYJFXFbKBTF_ZRL4bbXZol6uKFBW17ozZFJtbv6KdU8qX-9hORYaT2jr4EtfwlhzLRwKQWOBGWweBRF-xOK9ylgD1maTIYhp6jSKH9gOUnORR7T_ky74i5KMIHoOd2I=w320-h240" width="320" /></a></div>141.</b> It frustrates me when people misspell a word as simple as "jugdge."</div><div><br /></div><div><b>142.</b> At the end of the 1988-'89 television season, <i>The Cosby Show</i> was ranked number one in the ratings for the fourth consecutive year, while <i>Roseanne</i>, a freshman series, came in second. The third most popular show was <i>A Different World</i>, which began in the fall of '87 as a spin-off of <i>The Cosby Show</i> and centered on Denise Huxtable, played by Lisa Bonet, navigating her first year of college. Bonet left the series after its first season, reportedly because Bill Cosby didn't appreciate his TV daughter appearing topless in the 1987 movie <i>Angel Heart</i> and in a photo shoot for <i>Interview</i> magazine that same year.<br /> <br />Almost 30 years later <i>Cosby Show</i> reruns are nowhere to be found on TV thanks to its namesake's conviction last month on three counts of sexual assault, and as of today you won't find any reruns of <i>Roseanne</i> version 1.0 or 2.0, either, thanks to its star's racist tweets about Valerie Jarrett and George Soros.<br /> <br />Therefore I officially declare tomorrow, May 30, Lisa Bonet Day! I have no authority to do so, of course, but doesn't she deserve a parade, possibly down the street in Brooklyn Heights where the Huxtables' fictional brownstone was located, or maybe through the campus of Atlanta's Spelman College, one of the inspirations for <i>A Different World</i>'s Hillman College? I just found out that she's married to Jason Momoa, a.k.a. Aquaman—put him on a giant seahorse at the front of the parade and it'll feel just like Mardi Gras, I guarantee.</div></div>Robert Casshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08707335033990525130noreply@blogger.com0