Saturday, September 15, 2007

Telly pours it on.

I've gotten too YouTube-happy here lately, but while searching for a two-disc Bread compilation called Retrospective earlier today, I ran across an intriguing customer comment: Telly Savalas's cover of Bread's "If" was a number-one hit in the UK in 1975.

Whaaaaaaaa?! As a soft-rock fan and Me TV nut (more on that later), not to mention an admirer of William Shatner's spoken-word covers of songs like "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," I have to hear this version!

Or see it. The video below demonstrates that if you're going to sleaze up lyrics like "And when my love for life is running dry / You come and pour yourself on me," it helps to pause after the word "come." And it doesn't hurt if you're sporting an open shirt and gold chains and smoking a cigarette while staring at a vacant female face.

Sorry, Telly, but you're too macho to ever be a real soft rocker. You're accustomed to taking what you want, whereas soft rockers are generally polite creatures who timidly ask women if they can take what they want; if they're lucky, their request is granted, but usually for one night only.

Still, I hope I'll come across a Kojak rerun on Me TV that shows the title detective relaxing at home while listening to a 45 of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain." Who loves ya, Carly? A David Gates-quoting Telly Savalas, that's who.


  1. i simply don't know what to say about this.
    wait. yes i do.
    the first time i watched it, i couldn't stop laughing at the girl's expression, and the points at which she'd turn and look from him to us. almost pleading, like she'd been injected with a paralyzing poison into her spinal fluid, so her brain was telling her mouth to yell for help, but none of her muscles could comply.

    then i just watched it again, and thought that was the longest couple minutes ever. and he made me angry for his poor half-assed speaking interpretation. i only wish she'd left her giant air-borne post at some point near the end, and entered his real world from the side, dressed as a sexy waitress or maid, and brought an ashtray for him, and then they'd taken each other's hands, and then flown away via visible wires worn under their clothes, as exhaust created by their flight slowly filled the screen in the form of fart rainbows, til it faded to black.

  2. god, that was awful. i need a shower.

  3. This glorious fifteen minute song/speech has touched my very soul. I have chosen to ignore the cruel comments above -- and instead focus on the total realness that I was just invited into. I want to be that gigantic head that slides in from the right as Telly lights his cigarette. She is the face of an angel, and her face is all I needed to see. Yes, her eyes may be vacant, that's cause she's an angel, they are like ghosts, duh.

    It is so poetic too -- especially the mental image of the world spinning down to DIE, I just envision the two of them floating into hell together with the exploding earth -- in love. But, she's a lot bigger than him, I guess that doesn't matter since they're in love. My favorite part? When he brings the "and when the world is through," because right at that moment (wait for it, wait for it), he lets out this unusual, sensual growl that I have longed to hear for quite some time now. That's when I know he really means this shit, ya'll. And then he sums it all up with one last drag of his sweet smoke at the end.

    I say bravo. I have been enlightened and I thank you, Robert, for that.

  4. I'm glad I was able to touch so many young girls' hearts with this particular post. You're welcome, world.