There are slow news days, and then there are slow entertainment news days. Here are a few headlines I've liked in the past year:
Manning gets laughs as host of 'SNL'
Good for Peyton Manning! If he hadn't gotten laughs he would've been wiping away his tears with $100 bills for a long time to come.
Garner balances career with motherhood
Good for Jennifer Garner! She's doing what millions of other women in America do, only she's rich! (If this headline was actually referring to The Rockford Files' James Garner, then I apologize for the sarcasm.)
Beyonce enjoyed working on 'Dreamgirls'
Good for Beyoncé! Isn't it nice when people enjoy their jobs? I think so. Especially when you realize her job doesn't involve her having to send out e-mails every few weeks that say, "Just a quick reminder to everyone to STOP LEAVING YOUR DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK. Seriously. I thought about trying to spin this as positively and cheerfully as I have before, but I can't anymore. This has really become a problem. When I walk into the kitchen these days I'm attacked by fruit flies. Then I see a half-eaten apple sitting in the sink that's probably been sitting there since the night before. What is wrong with you people?! Most of you make about $24,000 a year, so I know you don't have a maid at home. Do you live with your mother? Does she put up with this shit?
"I'm sorry to use language like that, I really am, but this is FUCKING RIDICULOUS. ARE YOU WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO WASH THESE DISHES FOR YOU? (Yes, I know the caps lock is on.) Do you think it's the cleaning lady's job to do this for you? SHE'S NOT YOUR MAID. It's also not her job to THROW OUT THE FUCKING FOOD YOU ABANDON IN THE FUCKING REFRIGERATOR EVERY FUCKING WEEK. I'm sorry for the foul language—I really am—but this has gotten out of hand. WE'RE ADULTS. I can't believe I'm wasting a minute of my life even typing this shit.
"On a more positive note, my daughter, Madison, will be coming by the office tomorrow to take orders for Girl Scout cookies. Feel free to order as many boxes as you want."