Wednesday, June 18, 2008

the hands of a Guy

On Saturday I was at a street festival here in Chicago with some friends, and I got to know their friends, two sisters named Kristin and Lauren. They're tall. I'm not. But I do have smaller hands than them. 

Oh, right—that's not something to brag about.

They mentioned an episode of Seinfeld I've never seen in which Jerry dates a woman with "man hands," and any time the woman touches him the camera cuts to a close-up of a man's hands.

On Monday I read an article in the current issue of Spin magazine about Coldplay's new album, and how they still haven't met the recently installed head of their record label, EMI. His name is Guy Hands. Hahaha, your name makes me laugh, powerful businessman!

Hands is the owner of a private equity firm that gobbled up EMI for $6.4 billion last year; corporate restructuring will soon lead to layoffs for nearly 2,000 of EMI's 5,500 employees. At least the unemployed can say they were defeated at the hands of Hands. (What, not funny? Maybe you'll appreciate it more if you get to keep your job.)

On January 21, 1999, nearly ten years ago, 170 of A&M Records' 200 staffers were laid off after Seagram's Universal Music Group bought the company along with the Mercury, Geffen, and Island labels and started consolidating its new properties. 

Think about it—only 30 people kept their jobs. If I'd been one of them, I'm not sure I would've attended the "We're All Screwed" party, since the fine print on the party's banner would've said, "Except for You, Kiss Ass!" 

I was laid off from a job almost eight years ago after three months of gainful employment. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise: I got out before the job market slowed down later that year, and my delicate lady hands were back at work one month later at a new job, where I gently bathed them in milk and honey and a sprinkling of rose petals every other hour. I like to spoil myself. Because I'm worth it.


  1. Ah well. I'm a small guy with little hands too (hello, fellow bald short guy with tiny hands). But I know how to use them! (...or something)

  2. When I said that I'm not tall, I just meant that I'm 6'5", whereas those sisters are 7'8". I have high standards for tallness, okay? Don't lump me in with your kind, Billy Barty!