Navy SEALs, a B movie from the summer of 1990 starring Charlie Sheen and reliable character actors like Bill Paxton, Dennis Haysbert, Michael Biehn, and S. Epatha Merkerson, was on AMC last night. For an action movie it's a pretty good comedy, but that's not meant as an insult to the cast or crew since Navy SEALs doesn't take itself too seriously. Maybe it's just a case of a movie that was injected with too much testosterone 18 years ago that now plays as a goofy love story between American jocks who kill Arab terrorists for a living.
The best scene I saw features the SEALs enjoying a day off from killing by going to a golf course and trying to hit each other with their carts and clubs while drinking lots of beer. They even find time to play a little golf.
But when Sheen notices his convertible being towed from the parking lot he jumps on a random bicycle and chases after the tow truck, eventually catching up to it and driving his car away, but not before dodging an oncoming 18-wheeler as he makes his escape.
Sheen lets out a triumphant "Yeah!" and looks completely fulfilled, as any red-blooded heterosexual male should be, once he's reunited with his vehicle. He's just risked life and limb to avoid paying a $100 towing charge for a car he'd illegally parked in the first place, and in the process he got to steal a kid's bike and leave it in a ditch on the side of the road.
Admit it—you'd be aroused too.
Below are some examples of overripe dialogue from Navy SEALs, courtesy of IMDB's "memorable quotes" page for the film. Remember, it came out in 1990, when the Schwarzenegger template of smug one-liners delivered in the general direction of freshly dead bad guys was the norm in Hollywood action movies.
Curran (Michael Biehn): This is starting to piss me off! Now cool out!
Hawkins (Charlie Sheen): Oh, I am cool, man. You should see me when I'm hot!
Pilot: Lieutenant, you guys are incredible. Thank you.
Curran: There's no reason to thank us because we don't exist. You never saw us. This never happened.
Hawkins: One more thing—you're welcome.
Navy Intelligence Officer: Did you engage hostiles?
Dane (Bill Paxton): I vaporized hostiles.
Hawkins: What's he saying?
Leary (Rick Rossovich): Something about your mother.
[Hawkins lowers his gun and slightly alters his aim, hitting the terrorist directly in the forehead with a well-aimed shot.]
Hawkins: Never talk about Mom.
[After Hawkins blows a door open with a shotgun ...]
Curran: What was that shit at the door?
Hawkins: Room service.
[Before throwing a grenade at propane tanks ...]
Hawkins: I hope these fuckers paid their gas bill.
[On the way to Graham's (Dennis Haysbert) wedding, which is interrupted before it can even begin with news of an urgent mission ...]
Hawkins: I'm sorry, guys, but I cannot be a part of this funeral procession. I'm outta here.
[He jumps off the moving Jeep and the bridge it's crossing into the water 20 feet below while shouting—]
Hawkins: SEE YOU LATERRRRRRR!!!!
[Hawkins is posing in front of a mirror, gun drawn, when Curran walks in.]
Hawkins: I am so jacked up. I can feel it flowing through me, right through me.
Hawkins: You gotta stick it out there and not be afraid to get it cut off. That's what I always say.
Curran: Brain grenade?
[He throws Hawkins a beer.]
Hawkins: What's the problem—still thinking about bad guys?
Hawkins: We go in there, we hit 'em and forget 'em. That's what we do.
Curran: Why'd you leave the doorway? Were you looking for a rush? A little rush? Well, I hope you got it. Because you just toasted a man you put in his grave.
[Curran and Hawkins are arguing about Graham's death.]
Hawkins: Alright! I did it! I fucked up! I fucked up and he is gone! And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, so what the hell do you want from me? Huh?!
[Curran walks away without answering.]