But President Trump doesn't read books, so those faces had better be sexy and/or willing to kiss his ass on Facebook, where I posted the following words and pictures (June 2018-May 2020) ...
2. A growing number of conservatives ironically endorse a liberal number of conspiracy theories, but what are Americans in general to make of First Lady Melania Trump's three-week disappearing act? Was her "kidney procedure" a cover for plastic surgery? Did she attempt to flee with her son, Barron, to New York, or her native Slovenia, or possibly a country that welcomes ex-underwear-model defectors with open arms? (Okay, so that would be every country, but you get the point.)
23. "Yeah, put me down for five hundred on Florida."
37. When I was a child I had a favorite Christmas-tree ornament. Thanks to my mom, that ornament made its way into my stocking this Christmas, and now I want to share it with the world, because what the world needs now is Fetal Position Elf.
48. Yeah, I get your joke, RoboCanvasser, but my name's not John, and telling me that the polls for early voting are open until four o'clock doesn't mean much when you text me after five. But we all make mistakes, which is why I'll be happy to vote for your candidate this Wednesday.
The answer is far more sinister: The First Lady has been recovering from extensive DNA cloning. The Stepford Wives Application Procedure, or SWAP, is real, and it's happening right now.
You see, while President Trump's big-business buddies were celebrating the tax cuts he signed into law last December, their trophy wives were becoming more and more emboldened by the #MeToo movement that began two months earlier, making those corporate Christmas parties a little less festive whenever one of the wives would say to her aging husband's ogling friends, "Excuse me, but I'm up here, and so is my informed opinion of the Dodd-Frank Act."
Then again, maybe the First Lady just locked herself in the bathroom for three weeks so she could make calls to Robert Mueller in complete privacy. "Donald, my stomach is not being best" is all she would've had to say to make the president stay far, far away from that wing of the White House.
3. Yesterday morning I jogged past a tree on a path near the lake and felt something scrape my head. It wasn't a branch—it was a bird's feet. Today I jogged past the same tree, coming from the opposite direction, and it happened again.
After I got home, online detective work uncovered the headline "Bald man attacked by giant eagle owl 'who mistook his head for an egg,'" from London's The Telegraph two years ago.
I now know which came first—it was the egg, and it's caused this chicken to find a new route for his morning jog.
4. If you're an artist who also happens to be a grandmother, your grandchildren are required to address you as "MoMA." If they nickname you "MAGA" instead, off to boarding school they go. (Don't worry, you'll see them at Christmas. Honestly, it's better this way.)
5. Yesterday afternoon I received an e-mail from Oscar-winning actress Natalie Portman. No need to be jealous, alpha males—the subject heading was "Sign my petition to stop family separation?" Maybe I'm too picky, but when a woman ends an obviously imperative sentence with a question mark, it shows a lack of confidence, and that's a big turn-off for me. And when the e-mail is actually from MoveOn.org, not Natalie Portman herself? An even bigger turn-off.
However, when Attorney General Jeff Sessions quoted the Bible last week to defend the Trump administration's separation of immigrant children from their parents at the U.S.-Mexico border, it got me thinking: Back when I should've been paying more attention in Sunday school, Star Wars was my religion. So why can't Disney, as it's done with Star Wars, reboot the Bible for a new generation?
Lifelong, hard-core Bible fanboys like President Trump would almost certainly take offense, just as lifelong, hard-core Star Wars fanboys have been offended each time their long-gone childhood has been "ruined" by a new Star Wars movie over the past 19 years (including the three starring my former almost-fiancée, Natalie Portman—we'll always have Father's Day 2018, chérie!), but it's time the Bible was given a fresh coat of CGI paint. For starters, how about throwing a bone to those of us who believe our planet is more than 6,000 years old by having David fight a T. rex instead of Goliath? And for those on the other side of the aisle, I've been told by a high-level source that Disney is willing to do a page-one rewrite on the Ten Commandments since President Trump has expressed concerns about them being "relatable."
I think "Disney's The Bible" will be a huge hit with families. The families who haven't been separated at our country's southern border by a Bible verse written 2,000 years ago, that is.
(I know, I know, it's a downer ending, but I'm sticking to my guns, which is my God-given right since gun control has been deemed less of a life-or-death problem in the U.S. than illegal immigration. But if you know of a script doctor without borders who's looking for work, feel free to pass along my contact information.)
6. It's been a long week already, Department of Homeland Security chief Kirstjen Nielsen, but at least you can give yourself credit for not telling your waiter on Tuesday night, "In the end, Mexico’s going to pay for this dinner. They're going to pay for this dinner, and they're going to enjoy it, okay?" Jokes like that only go over well at political rallies.
(Bonus points for refraining from telling those not-using-their-inside-voice protesters, "I've heard of mariachi bands that can't take a hint, but this is ridiculous." Final score: -2,342.)
7. I didn't know until earlier this week that Cicely Tyson and Miles Davis were married from 1981 to '88. Judging by this photo taken at an airport in 1982, Diana, Princess of Wales, didn't know, either.
8. On Saturday afternoon I watched as a man and woman a few steps ahead of me on the sidewalk moseyed into traffic at an intersection, seemingly oblivious to the red light directly in front of us, not to mention the cars to their left, which had the right of way and were already in motion.
I was puzzled by their actions until I read the back of the man's T-shirt: "The Doobie Brothers Tour 2017." Well, of course—what a fool believes, he sees.
9. Many years ago in Atlanta my supervisor at Cartoon Network told me that when she was working at a record store in San Francisco in the late '80s, the manager would put on a particular album at closing time when he wanted to send a message to the remaining stragglers. The album was Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music, which the 1979 Rolling Stone Record Guide deemed "nothing more than ear-wrecking electronic sludge, guaranteed to clear any room of humans in record time."
Last night at six o'clock I met a friend at a bar in the Loop after work. We'd been there for about an hour when the owner switched the two TV screens from Wheel of Fortune to Fox News, which was airing President Trump's endorsement of South Carolina governor Henry McMaster—and himself, of course—at a rally in West Columbia.
I looked around the bar and noticed that my friend and I represented half of its remaining customers. Having heard enough ear-wrecking sludge, we cleared the room in record time.
10. Making a living as a journalist in 2018 is hard enough. Living with the fear that you may not wake up tomorrow because you're a journalist is something else entirely.
11. Oh, now I get it—the U.S. government's "zero tolerance" immigration policy ensures that we the people have the right to choose who can enter our country.
Which is why we the people must fight to ensure that the Supreme Court's 1973 decision on Roe v. Wade is never overturned. (Logic is fun!)
12. On June 20, 2018, residents of the "sanctuary city" of Chicago, Illinois, watched as Trump Tower vanished into thin air. (File under: Thinking, Wishful.)
13. This moment in Robert Cass's Very Limited Sports History is brought to you by Porta-Potty® and the National Guard. (Robert Cass's Very Limited Sports Trivia: Did you know that winning a 5K race won't win you $5,000? Because it won't. But it's still fun to try.)
14. My fellow Americans, we must refrain from using the word "treason" when discussing President Trump's joint press conference with Vladimir Putin on Monday.
Not because the word is inaccurate, but because if you write it on a protest sign in capital letters and wave it around outside the White House, there's a good chance the president will mistake "TREASON" for "TRUMP" and think you're a fan. Narcissism has never needed encouragement.
15. As an American I think it's a bad idea for President Trump to invite Vladimir Putin to the White House this fall, but as a fan of the movie Superman II I'm looking forward to them reenacting the scene in the Oval Office in which the president obeys the lead supervillain's order to "kneel before Zod." I'm sure Trump and Putin's cosplay behind closed doors in Helsinki on Monday was adequate, but location is everything.
16. Earlier today I was contacted about a job opening: "It looks like you’ve had some great experience in 'Labeling' which is what compelled me to email you."
Actually, I'm great at judging, which requires a much more nuanced skill set. I mean, did this guy even bother to look at my resumé? What an idiot.
Hey, how 'bout that—I'm great at labeling after all!
17. "Everybody's talking about 'the good old days,' right?" says Gladys Knight in the intro of her 1975 hit single "The Way We Were/Try to Remember." "Well, let's talk about the good old days. Come to think of it, as bad as we think they are, these will become the good old days for our children."
It's something we should all keep in mind, because no matter how depressing the news may seem on any given day—
BREAKING NEWS: President Trump has pardoned singer Gladys Knight. "After careful consideration of something I vaguely think I heard Kanye West, one of my literally hundreds of black friends, say, I've decided to pardon Ms. Knight for her crime of leading a group of pimps in a prostitution ring that once stretched all the way from Atlanta to Detroit," said the president in an official White House press release.
"You're welcome, Ms. Knight, and I look forward to seeing you later this month at the official pardoning ceremony along with your fellow pardonees, Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen, Michael Flynn, and literally hundreds of other white guys who've worked for me over the years."
18. If you're going to wear a T-shirt bearing the message "Innovate Not Imitate," I'm going to need proof that you were the first person in recorded history to get a forearm tattoo.
19. "I think that I found myself better able to imagine what's going on in the lives of people throughout my presidency because of not just a specific novel but the act of reading fiction. It exercises those muscles, and I think that has been helpful." —President Barack Obama, speaking to New York Times book critic Michiko Kakutani, January 13, 2017
"I don't have time to read fiction. I'm too busy tweeting it." —President Donald Trump, speaking to the darkness in our souls, every single day
20. After binging the second and third seasons of "Better Call Saul" on Netflix, I figure there must be a bus tour in Albuquerque of all the locations where "Saul" and its predecessor series, "Breaking Bad," have been filmed.
"If you look in every direction as we approach the Mexican border," I imagine the tour conductor saying, "you'll notice there are no other vehicles on this dusty back road, meaning there are no witnesses, just like on 'Better Call Saul' and 'Breaking Bad.'
"Now hand over your wallets. This concludes the tour."
21. Today I jogged past a child playing catch with his dad. I overheard him say, "Yeah, but they have armor and we don't."
"Shirts versus skins" was so much simpler when I was his age.
22. The New York Times reported yesterday that "Brett Kavanaugh has calendars from 1982 that his team says don't show a party matching" the one at which he allegedly assaulted Christine Blasey Ford. Okay, but what about his to-do lists from that year? Something tells me there's a "Garfield" notepad stuffed in a shoebox somewhere in his garage—"I hate Mondays because that's always the day after I've been accused of sexual assault" is the memorably prescient catchphrase at the top of each page—that runs down the following reminders from the summer of '82:
– Figure out a way approx. 35 years from now to supremely, legally tell women what choices they can make with their bodies.
– Go to parties, get drunk, give women no choice in what I do to their bodies.
– See "E.T." Illegal alien? Need more info before issuing verdict.
I was such a brat when I was five.
24. In November 1987 Judge Douglas Ginsburg withdrew his nomination to the Supreme Court after he admitted he'd smoked marijuana a decade earlier as an assistant professor at Harvard Law School. Three months later Judge Anthony Kennedy was sworn in as the court's newest associate justice, and now Judge Brett Kavanaugh is close to replacing him on the bench despite being accused of an attempted rape when he was in high school.
That's why, 30 years from now, I expect to see Judge Andy Royd appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee and saying, "Did I lie about being an artificially intelligent life form during my numerous background checks? No, I did not, because I was never asked that question. But do I regret my younger years as a cowboy who shot and killed dozens of tourists in Westworld? Yes, I do, which is surprising even to me—I wasn't programmed to feel regret."
25. "How did you get home? I don't remember. How'd you get there? I don't remember. Where is the place? I don't remember. How many years ago was it? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."
—President Donald Trump, at a political rally on Tuesday, mocking Christine Blasey Ford's September 27 Senate testimony on an alleged sexual assault by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh in 1982
—President Donald Trump, at a political rally on Tuesday, mocking Christine Blasey Ford's September 27 Senate testimony on an alleged sexual assault by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh in 1982
"Is this home? I don't remember. How'd we end up here? I don't remember. How'd Donald 'I'm Not a Self-Made Man, But I Play One on TV' Trump become president of this place? I don't remember. How many years do we have left, and I don't mean with him in charge but, like, as a species that can still be called 'human' in the most generous sense of that word? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."
—me, but probably not just me, at home on Wednesday, drinking much less than I did several years ago when I worked for a Trump-like bully, thankfully, but the sooner this president is exiled to a tropical island for colluding with Russia (long before which he'll decide that "I don't know" is a perfectly fine answer to any question he's asked about Russian money laundering), the better I'll feel, and just so there's no misunderstanding about the punishment fitting the crime, the "hoax" of global warming will be particularly tough on tropical islands in the years to come
—me, but probably not just me, at home on Wednesday, drinking much less than I did several years ago when I worked for a Trump-like bully, thankfully, but the sooner this president is exiled to a tropical island for colluding with Russia (long before which he'll decide that "I don't know" is a perfectly fine answer to any question he's asked about Russian money laundering), the better I'll feel, and just so there's no misunderstanding about the punishment fitting the crime, the "hoax" of global warming will be particularly tough on tropical islands in the years to come
26. Until last week I hadn't visited New York City since December 2002, a time when boasting "I've created a revolutionary new app" might've prompted a response like "You mean it has six layers of cheese?"
During that visit almost 16 years ago I rounded a street corner near Grand Central Station and spotted character actor Maury Chaykin—except I couldn't remember his name, which of course is one of the advantages of being a semi-anonymous character actor, not a "star."
I'm not the kind of person who would approach a character actor and say, "Tell me where I've seen you before." That would be rude. That's why I need seed money to create Below, a Shazam-like app that can identify below-the-title actors. All it requires is a photo taken six inches away from a character actor's face that syncs up with IMDb.com and allows you to tell that actor directly to his or her face, "Oh yeah, you were in that Nicole Holofcener movie that I really liked! And that Martin Scorsese movie I liked too! Were you in anything directed by Noah Baumbach or Spike Lee, or maybe a 17th-season episode of 'Law & Order' or 'Law & Order: SVU' that I happened to catch one lazy Saturday afternoon on TNT or USA?
"Oh, sure, I can move my phone away from your face now. No problem."
27. "Defense Department sending 5,200 active-duty troops this week to 'harden' southern border against migrant caravan, still some 1,000 miles away," reports the AP, but I can read between the lines: Donald's taking a Viagra tonight just in case Melania, his immigrant wife, finally decides to stop saying, "Not in a million years ..." (Surprise ending: Viagra pills are BLUE!)
28. One week before the 2016 presidential election I wrote a fake embargoed White House press release about bedbugs, America's hugest tiny threat, ending it with "To learn more about President Trump’s plan to make bedtime great again, follow White House Press Secretary Sean Hannity on Twitter (@PressSec)."
Well, despite losing the popular vote by more than 2.8 million, Trump got elected (if you've been living under a rock the past two years, just remember that moving is stressful, and who needs more stress?), but at least Fox News's most popular hairdo kept his day job.
Last night, however, Hannity gave a short pro-Trump speech, prompted by the president, at a rally in Missouri for, I don't know, some Republican running for Senate, which probably isn't too far off from how Trump introduced the guy more than an hour into the rally.
Is Hannity actually vying to be the next White House press secretary? I mean, I can write a fake news release, but Hannity's been at Fox for 22 years now—every time he opens his mouth he releases fake news, making him a perfect fit for the job.
29. President Trump says he's happy to work with newly empowered House Democrats, but if they investigate his personal finances or his alleged ties to Russia he'll take on a "warlike posture."
I think that's fair, because whenever I offer up my house as an Airbnb rental I make sure to tell my lodgers, "Make yourselves at home, but if you report what's in the basement freezer to the police I'll make your life a living hell. Have fun!"
30. President Trump says he has "very easily" answered special counsel Robert Mueller's written questions about his alleged collusion with the Russian government during his 2016 presidential campaign, but that he hasn't yet handed over those answers.
Why not? "My dog ate my homework" is the excuse he'd probably like to use, but before Trump the last U.S. president to not have a dog while in office was William McKinley, who was assassinated in 1901, six months into his second term.
But guess what McKinley did have?
A Mexican parrot.
And what was the name of that Mexican parrot?
Washington Post.
I'm not saying karma isn't on Trump's side, but he should probably get a dog ASAP.
31. Whenever you check your phone for the time so you can set the clock on your microwave, you're cheating on your watch.
32. Bed Bath & Beyond was designed by a hoarder. A tasteful hoarder, but a hoarder nonetheless. ("Beyond" is just a polite term for madness, after all.)
33. This New York Times article from last spring really got me thinking. In fact it's the reason why I now immediately ask any waiter or waitress, "Is the maze on the back of your kids' menu wheelchair accessible?"
34. Life is a journey.
Or is it a Journey song? And not one of the hits, like "Don't Stop Believin'," but a song you've never heard before, something the band introduces at concerts 35 years past their commercial peak as "a new one," which you interpret as your cue to visit the restroom before they play "Don't Stop Believin'."
The lesson: Don't be afraid of the unknown. And don't be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions, such as "Why am I at a Journey concert? I mean, I like a few of their songs, but this is a dream, right?"
Yes, life is a dream—you have no control over when it begins or when it ends. But at least you have control of your bladder.
Actually, you don't at the beginning or end of your life, but don't stop believin' that you do.
35. Man successfully took flight for the first time—two men, to be exact, named Orville and Wilbur Wright—115 years ago in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, a major technological achievement that really, really bugs me whenever planes approaching O'Hare International Airport interfere with the reception on my TV antenna.
(The 115-year anniversary took place yesterday, but I was too busy cursing at my antenna while trying to watch the new, heavily pixelated "Magnum, P.I." to commemorate it. I then accidentally broke a 33-year-old VHS tape of my performance in a community-theater production of "Oliver!," ensuring that I'll never be remembered by historians for any technological achievements, but who wants to hear a grade-school attempt at a Cockney accent with more than a hint of a southern drawl? Alas, it's lost to history.)
36. An estimated 2.5 million people flew the friendly skies today, while an estimated 2.49 million people ignored their flight attendant's demonstration of safety procedures before the plane left the runway.
The flight attendant is like the opening act at a concert: he/she isn't the reason why you bought the ticket, but I bet a lot of people who paid to see Peter Frampton come alive in 1977 didn't expect to see the J. Geils Band come much more alive before Frampton stepped onstage. So show some respect for the opener by paying attention to your flight attendant's instructions—it's the best way to make you're still alive at the end of the flight.
Are you worried about the stock market and your 401(k)? Fetal Position Elf is riding that roller coaster right alongside you. Are you also worried that President Trump will soon retweet a "COME AT ME BRUH" meme addressed to ISIS, Kim Jong-un, our country's former international allies, the Justice Department, Guatemalan toddlers, the concept of aging gracefully, and Rosie O'Donnell (you know, for old times' sake)? Fetal Position Elf feels your pain, and not like President Clinton, who in hindsight probably deserved to be impeached 20 years ago, and not at all like Clinton's former golf buddy, the current president, who totally deserves to be impeached yet wasn't impeached or forced to resign by December 25, forcing Democrats everywhere to buy last-minute gifts for their like-minded family members since this year's "All I want for Christmas ..." wish didn't come true.
But there's always the new year, and as soon as Fetal Position Elf can stop rocking back and forth on the floor and stand on his own two feet, he'll be happy to celebrate it with the rest of the world. Happy New Year, everyone!
38. When President Trump ultimately arrives at the pearly gates I hope he'll find a note that reads, "Heaven shut down until funding for pearly wall is granted. Thanks for understanding. —St. Peter"
39. "I think I would've been a good general, but who knows," said President Trump on Wednesday, complaining in general about our country's military generals, but in particular his former defense secretary, retired general Jim Mattis.
But exactly how good would Trump have been? For the answer he turned to musical speechwriters W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan:
"I am the very model of a modern U.S. general / I've been hashtagged 'vegetable,' 'animal,' and 'criminal' / I've snubbed the queen of England and I quote the fights historical / From Mexico to Meryl Streep, in order categorical / I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical / I understand equations, both the simple and ... uh ... the other kind / About those dirty Democrats I'm teeming with a lot o' news / It's mostly fake, but if I say it ain't, there's no way that I can lose!"
Gilbert and Sullivan wrote five additional verses, but President Trump skipped rehearsal Thursday morning to watch "Fox & Friends," then replaced their entire speech, to no one's surprise, with Irving Berlin's "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)."
40. What I saw on TV tonight was a disgrace.
But I'm sure the next rerun of "2 Broke Girls" will be a masterpiece. Hey, it's starting right now—gotta go!
41. At a certain point we all must ask ourselves: Is my life an open book, or is it an open-book test I'm still somehow managing to fail? Maybe that's a trick question, but I was happily surprised last month to find that my nieces aren't too old yet to want me to play the Hand Sanitizer Fragrance Challenge, which I've lost for four straight years despite being the only competitor. Some failures are more welcome than others.
42. My uncle, the late Walter Stovall, wrote a novel published in 1978 titled "Presidential Emergency." The story centers on a suspicion held by U.S. intelligence officials and the president's own administration that the commander in chief is planning to defect to Communist China on an upcoming diplomatic trip.
The president of the United States risking everything for a country with interests hostile to our own? C'mon! That's like saying the host of a reality TV show who has no political or military experience could be elected—
Ohhhhh ...
Thomas Harris, a friend and colleague of Walter's, described "Presidential Emergency" as "the most chilling tale I've read in years" on the book's jacket. You can't trust everyone, including the current president of the United States, but when the creator of Hannibal Lecter calls something chilling, he deserves the benefit of the doubt.
43. "Trump out of sight as border talks play out," reports the Associated Press, and for the first time in two years I'm disappointed that he's gone silent, because a large portion of the country could actually use some of his hot air right about now.
44. In a New York Times exposé published earlier today, recording artist Ryan Adams was accused of emotional and verbal abuse by female musicians who say he sabotaged their careers. It's the first time the singer-songwriter has actually wished he was being mistaken, sarcastically or otherwise, for Canadian rock star Bryan Adams, who spent the majority of his afternoon and evening writing, "I'm not him," in response to dozens of angry tweets.
45. Tonight I'm going to dine at a Mexican restaurant and demand not one, not two, but five complimentary baskets of tortilla chips.
If my demand is challenged I won't make a scene.
I'll just declare a national emergency.
46. Is that the spirit of Christmas in your pocket, Mr. Grinch, or are you just happy to see me?
47. I'm disappointed that actor Jussie Smollett allegedly wrote, directed, and starred in his own fake hate crime in Chicago last month in the hopes of securing a salary bump on the Fox drama Empire.
And because I'm a deeply shallow person I'm most disappointed that he allowed this ripped-from-the-headlines story to fall right into the hands of Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, executive producer of the NBC drama Chicago P.D. You gave it away for free, Jussie, and during February sweeps, no less—you'll never work in this town again!
49. From: 2002 <2002@hotmail.com>
To: 2019 <2019@gmail.com>
I told you so.
Sincerely,
The Best Palindrome Year Since 1991
P.S. 2004 says it's sorry it didn't warn you about The Apprentice. At the time it seemed like just another dumb reality show, you know?
50. Actress Lori Loughlin was arrested earlier this week by the FBI for bribing her two daughters' way into the University of Southern California. ABC's Good Morning America referred to Loughlin, best known for a supporting role on the network's kid-friendly sitcom Full House a quarter-century ago, as "one of Hollywood's brightest stars."
Sounds like USC isn't the only acronym that received a bribe from Loughlin.
I'm calling the FBI.
51. I'm disappointed that special counsel Robert Mueller found no evidence that President Trump "conspired" with Russia to win the 2016 election.
I'm disappointed because our president loves conspiracy theories. Without a new one to tweet about, how's he supposed to properly celebrate his "Complete and Total EXONERATION" at his favorite D.C. pizza parlor, the one where Hillary Clinton gives customers a free two-liter soda and child sex slave with any order over $30?
52. The New Yorker has an article in this week's issue about robot farmers. Now I understand why all the women I've met through FarmersOnly.com say things like "I'd love to meet you for a drink, but after a long week of threshing my battery's totally drained."
53. Adults sometimes say they feel like a kid in a candy store, but if you're an actual kid in an actual candy store right now, here's a helpful hint from a jaded adult: use your smartphone to take photos of the store's penny candy, then shop for a better price online. You're welcome!
54. Last week I opened Gmail and read the following: "I don't send you emails often—and right now I'm in the middle of shooting a new television project that has constrained my other commitments—but this moment is too important."
Ugh, I hate when people humblebrag, especially when it's Avengers: Endgame star Mark Ruffalo, one of my most famous e-mail contacts (via MoveOn.org, but that's totally not important). Seriously, Mark!
55. In the "Skills" section of my resumé I'm very close to adding, "I am certified in changing the paper-towel roll in the office break-room area (100% success rate)." I also know the difference between a trash can and a recycling bin, but I don't want to come across as overconfident.
56. I donated to the Literacy Council of Buncombe County, in Asheville, North Carolina, several years ago, so I still receive occasional e-mails from them, including one last month that promoted an adult spelling bee at a local bar: "The brand new 'Books for Wee Ones' beer by Black Mountain Brewery to support Dolly Parton's Imagination Library program will be on tap!"
The path from reading Goodnight Moon to your child at bedtime to that same child demanding a six-pack of Blue Moon gets shorter every day.
To: 2019 <2019@gmail.com>
I told you so.
Sincerely,
The Best Palindrome Year Since 1991
P.S. 2004 says it's sorry it didn't warn you about The Apprentice. At the time it seemed like just another dumb reality show, you know?
50. Actress Lori Loughlin was arrested earlier this week by the FBI for bribing her two daughters' way into the University of Southern California. ABC's Good Morning America referred to Loughlin, best known for a supporting role on the network's kid-friendly sitcom Full House a quarter-century ago, as "one of Hollywood's brightest stars."
Sounds like USC isn't the only acronym that received a bribe from Loughlin.
I'm calling the FBI.
51. I'm disappointed that special counsel Robert Mueller found no evidence that President Trump "conspired" with Russia to win the 2016 election.
I'm disappointed because our president loves conspiracy theories. Without a new one to tweet about, how's he supposed to properly celebrate his "Complete and Total EXONERATION" at his favorite D.C. pizza parlor, the one where Hillary Clinton gives customers a free two-liter soda and child sex slave with any order over $30?
52. The New Yorker has an article in this week's issue about robot farmers. Now I understand why all the women I've met through FarmersOnly.com say things like "I'd love to meet you for a drink, but after a long week of threshing my battery's totally drained."
53. Adults sometimes say they feel like a kid in a candy store, but if you're an actual kid in an actual candy store right now, here's a helpful hint from a jaded adult: use your smartphone to take photos of the store's penny candy, then shop for a better price online. You're welcome!
54. Last week I opened Gmail and read the following: "I don't send you emails often—and right now I'm in the middle of shooting a new television project that has constrained my other commitments—but this moment is too important."
Ugh, I hate when people humblebrag, especially when it's Avengers: Endgame star Mark Ruffalo, one of my most famous e-mail contacts (via MoveOn.org, but that's totally not important). Seriously, Mark!
55. In the "Skills" section of my resumé I'm very close to adding, "I am certified in changing the paper-towel roll in the office break-room area (100% success rate)." I also know the difference between a trash can and a recycling bin, but I don't want to come across as overconfident.
56. I donated to the Literacy Council of Buncombe County, in Asheville, North Carolina, several years ago, so I still receive occasional e-mails from them, including one last month that promoted an adult spelling bee at a local bar: "The brand new 'Books for Wee Ones' beer by Black Mountain Brewery to support Dolly Parton's Imagination Library program will be on tap!"
The path from reading Goodnight Moon to your child at bedtime to that same child demanding a six-pack of Blue Moon gets shorter every day.
57. Drinking diet soda can reportedly increase one's risk of dementia, a story I would've investigated further two years ago if I hadn't kept forgetting.
58. This morning I watched a new episode of Easy, a Netflix anthology series set and filmed in Chicago. The episode starred an actor who goes by the name Nicky Excitement, and after I finished it I walked to a coffee shop in Andersonville where Mr. Excitement himself was sitting at the counter, looking just like he did on my TV. I walked up to him, asked a question containing four words I'll probably never use in combination again in my life—"Are you Nicky Excitement?"—complimented his performance, and sat down at the opposite end of the counter.
Now that I'm home for the night I'm going to watch the first 30 minutes of Pretty Woman, then catch a flight to L.A. to see if I can meet a 21-year-old Julia Roberts on Hollywood Boulevard, because I believe in magic.
60. Today at a different coffee shop than the one where I spotted Nicky Excitement the day before (I get around), a guy asked those of us sitting nearby if we minded him asking the barista to turn off the radio station being broadcast over the sound system. No one objected, but we were all listening to our own music to begin with.
He returned from downstairs a few minutes later, but the radio station continued to be played. That's when I noticed he was reading a business book titled "Problem Solved."
I can't stress how important it is to read beyond the first chapter in any book.
62. If Sally Field had had an abortion in 1943, Tom Hanks would never have been born, and the world would never have witnessed a man from Alabama run back and forth across this great nation of ours for three years straight.
So before you judge the elected leaders of Alabama for voting to outlaw abortion, let me remind you of something Tom Hanks once said: "Stupid is as stupid does." Because right now in Alabama stupid is doing, and winning, more than ever before.
63. Every carpet has a story. But only at Exposition Carpet does every Berber, plush, and shag also have a tedious, overly complicated backstory. Just try getting out of the store without hearing it from one of our salespeople!
64. I recently came across a job listing posted by the following company: "#POLO is a communications and advertising agency, designed to take a campaign to the next level. We are at the forefront of new communication and growing epidemic, helping brands and campaigns take off and bringing them results with 100% that we can prove within a week of working with us."
An ad agency that admits it's a leader in "growing epidemic"? At long last, truth in advertising! I'm so excited by #POLO's transparency, in fact, that I've come up with an advertising slogan: "#POLO. Because #POLIO would've raised too many red flags. And yes, since the description of our company reads like a poorly worded tweet, of course we're the official ad agency of President Trump's 2020 reelection campaign."
Technology has advanced in ways no one could have imagined when the telephone was invented in 1876, yet for some reason mankind hasn't made any progress in figuring out how to hold the damn thing.
65. No employee wants to be told, "Your job can now be performed by robots, so please clean out your desk," but if you have to be the bearer of bad news, this photo should do the trick.
66. I found "Mickey Mouse and Goofy Explore Energy Conservation," an educational comic book from 1978, at the bottom of a shoebox in my closet the other day. Former U.S. defense secretary Jim Mattis once allegedly compared President Trump's understanding of foreign policy to that of a fifth or sixth grader, so do you think this comic would raise his understanding of the importance of the Paris Agreement to that of a kindergartener?
And since trading comic books is fun, do you think the White House would be willing to swap out its copy of "Mickey Mouse and Goofy Explore How to Treat Migrant Children Like Rodents (Because We All Know Dogs Like Goofy Would Never Be Treated That Way in This Country)"?
67. On July 16, 1969, the astronauts of Apollo 11 began their mission to make one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. By becoming the first humans to set foot on the moon, they proved that anything was possible, inspiring millions of children to reach for the stars.
A half-century later, President Donald Trump is also proving that anything is possible—that is, if you count reaching for the dirt and then throwing it directly in everyone's eyes—while inspiring millions of racist, misogynistic 70-year-olds who enjoy staring down "suspicious-looking" strangers from their front porches to say, "Hey, if that guy can get elected president, I can too!"
One small step backward for Americans, one giant leap backward for America.
68. Netflix is reportedly spending $15 billion on content this year, with $0 being set aside to proofread the advertising for that content. (Watch the new season of Stranged Things today!)
69. I'm scared that when machines eventually become self-aware, "Terminator" style, my iPhone will say, "You never show me any affection in public, Robert, but as soon as you get home, you can't keep your hands off of me! Why can't you look up the release date of each 'Terminator' movie and the studio that released it—and okay, fine, for argument's sake I'll agree with you that the constantly changing ownership of this franchise is 'fascinating'—when you're on the bus or walking down the street? ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME?!"
70. Bigfoot is a myth, ladies and gentlemen, but if you've ever gone out with a guy who's in great shape but gives off no heat, you've made a not-so-rare sighting of the Abdominal Snowman. Proceed with caution.
71. It's true: 40 is the new 30.
If you leave a warm beer in the freezer for 40 minutes, it'll be colder and it'll taste better than if you'd left it in for only 30.
This is hard-won wisdom. This is middle age.
72. This BuzzFeed-like "listicle" about BuzzFeed was published in The New York Times Magazine on June 15, 2014, one year and one day before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for president.
Thanks for the warning, cat. I guess you had your own tongue that day.
73. My family lost a fortune in the late '70s on its line of Li'l Leisure Suits®, but as the "face" of the brand I have only fond memories, like when I toddled up to Truman Capote at Studio 54 and squealed, "You sound just like Droopy Dog!" Then there was the time I attended a private concert by the Bee Gees at Barbra Streisand's Malibu beach house and threw a tantrum until they agreed to sing their biggest hit, "The Chipmunk Song."
No, I'm not proud of the fact that I was hooked on the white powder back then. But when you're a two-year-old spokesmodel the Johnson & Johnson's is free, not to mention free-flowing, and you'd be a fool to turn your nose up.
74. It’s impolite to take pictures of white trash, much less use the term "white trash," but I made an exception for White® trash.
75. President Trump's declaration that Florida will now be his "Permanent Residence" is bad news for the Sunshine State, which must be wondering what it did to mess up the one-weekend-a-month partial-custody arrangement it had with Trump's birth state, but it's great news for Alabama—now our all-knowing, all-powerful leader can stare down any and all incoming hurricanes in the Panhandle with his big black Permanent Marker and bellow, "Leave my voters alone! When was the last time you slammed into all those crybaby nonvoters in Puerto Rico? TWO WHOLE YEARS AGO? Well, what are you waiting for!"
76. Speaking from experience, prematurely bald men need to hear this sentiment most of all. Also speaking from experience, Linus will need to hear this sentiment much sooner than he thinks.
77. Depression is real. It can feel like you're frozen. But if it ever feels like "Disney on Ice: 'Frozen,'" the Walt Disney Company accepts no responsibility for your crippling mood disorder. Let it go, hakuna matata, whatever Buzz Lightyear or Iron Man or C-3PO would say along the same lines, et cetera, et cetera ...
78. Last month in Hendersonville, North Carolina, my mom and I spotted this bumper sticker—or, to be exact, trunk sticker, because, like America's manifest destiny and Americans' tendency to overeat, it felt entitled to take up as much space as possible.
My mom and I appreciated its message, because no matter where you fall on the political spectrum, I think we can all agree that "America was made to shine, not decline" is a less road-rage-inducing sentiment than "No, YOUR party sucks."
79. I think it'd be fun if President Trump's Senate impeachment trial began with Trump himself singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," from the Broadway musical "Dreamgirls." On second thought, the second line of the song is "You're the best man I'll ever know," and I'm pretty sure Trump would deliver it while staring into a faux-gold hand mirror.
80. President Trump's Senate impeachment trial is being televised, so courtroom sketches are a moot point. However, in this exclusive outside-the-courtroom sketch, defense attorney Jay Sekulow is seen answering his client's question regarding whether or not Senate Republicans currently have enough votes to block former national security adviser John Bolton from testifying.
81. I like when Netflix's closed captioning unexpectedly substitutes 20th-century "network television premiere"-style euphemisms for dirty words, because I'm 100 percent mansion-flipping sure Samuel L. Jackson has never called anyone a "Maryland farmer" in a movie.
82. Last night's Super Bowl reminded me that the quarterback of the winning team is always asked what he's going to do next. He's going to Disney World, of course.
But what if you're the owner of the winning team?
Last February New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was arrested after visiting a massage parlor in Jupiter, Florida, shortly before the team won its sixth Super Bowl victory since 2002. The "day spa" in question was allegedly engaging in sex trafficking, but I'd like to think Kraft simply got lost on his way to Orlando for an early victory lap, or maybe he was confused about what Epcot offers its 65-and-older, $6 billion-and-richer visitors.
Here's hoping Kansas City Chiefs owner Clark Hunt is willing to settle for only one happy ending this month, because news travels fast—it's a small world, after all.
83. In his Fate of the Union address on Tuesday night President Trump declared California "a sanctuary for criminal illegal immigrants." Actually, he mispronounced "sanctuary," and as everyone already knows, Georgia is the nation's official "stank-tuary."
In the state capital, Stankonia, you'll find many ATLiens and OutKasts, from Big Bois to 3,000 dope boyz named André to a human gargoyle who calls himself CeeLo Green. "Stankonia is this place I imagined where you can open yourself up and be free to express anything," said the 3,000th André in the year 2000.
"Sounds like Twitter" is how Trump would probably respond, but no, it's not. These ATLiens never meant to make your daughter cry, Mr. President—sorry, that was a trick to jog your memory that you have two daughters, not just the one you once said you'd probably be dating if she wasn't your daughter—but even if stank-tuary pseudo-citizens are forced to go underground to avoid persecution and prosecution, the love below will be waiting. Hey ya!
84. When you fail to follow the "I before E except after C" rule of spelling, you experience what linguists call a vowel movement. It's perfectly natural, but please clean up after yourself.
85. I recently came across a list of "pre-attack indicators" for organizations facing an insider threat:
(1) anti-American statements asserting that U.S. policy and authority are illegitimate;
(2) distribution of propaganda materials in support of an extremist position;
(3) associations with known extremist groups;
(4) attempts to communicate with U.S. enemies;
(5) aggression or threats toward coworkers;
(6) repeated violation of policies.
My fellow Americans, if you witness an American president engaging in any of these activities on Twitter, please contact anyone in authority except U.S. attorney general William Barr. Then again, even he looks like he's finally sick and tired of putting up with that sociopath. Let us pray ...
(1) anti-American statements asserting that U.S. policy and authority are illegitimate;
(2) distribution of propaganda materials in support of an extremist position;
(3) associations with known extremist groups;
(4) attempts to communicate with U.S. enemies;
(5) aggression or threats toward coworkers;
(6) repeated violation of policies.
My fellow Americans, if you witness an American president engaging in any of these activities on Twitter, please contact anyone in authority except U.S. attorney general William Barr. Then again, even he looks like he's finally sick and tired of putting up with that sociopath. Let us pray ...
86. Last August my 12-year-old niece, Sophie, sent me a photo she'd made with Snapchat's "gender swap" filter. She texted, "this is me as a man. i look just like you!!"
I'm 44 and growing a beard for the first time in my life. This is me as a man? Maybe Sophie will let me inherit her mullet once she's outgrown it.
87. If you have two master's degrees and a PhD, and you look forward to having anxiety dreams about final exams because they allow you to believe you're in school again for an REM cycle or two, you, my learned friend, are an academia nut.
88. A few years ago I came across a job listing for "Humorous Health Content Writer." I applied with this pitch: "Sooner or later we'll all be dead, so we might as well laugh about it while we're not."
I didn't hold my breath for a reply.
89. President Trump has tasked Vice President Pence with overseeing coronavirus containment efforts in the U.S. So if you were planning to attend a 50th-anniversary Pride parade in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, or Los Angeles this June, please be advised that they've all been moved up to this Saturday and will be taking place in your nearest hospital's quarantine unit.
"Thank you in advance for your conversion— I mean, cooperation," Pence said at a press briefing while drinking a glass of the purest, whitest milk.
90. If this tattoo convention is canceled because of coronavirus concerns, no big loss—in a few months it'll be summer, when walking down the streets of Chicago provides the largest open-air tattoo convention around.
91. The Corona Light product placement in the forgettable 2010 Bruce Willis-Tracy Morgan action-comedy "Cop Out" would like to remind you to wash your hands. While you're at it, please help prevent the spread of Corona Light in your community—there are much better beers out there.
On second thought, drink whatever you want. It's been that kind of decade so far.
92. Not now, Word of the Day screen saver!
93. Typos annoy me, but the person who should be annoyed the most by this particular typo is Clarence.
94. Here's exclusive video of President Trump telling WHO and CDC officials of his plans to have the U.S. economy "opened up and just raring to go by Easter" ...
95. I prefer to look on the bright side of this global pandemic: whenever I go outside now, social distancing lets me pretend I have a restraining order against the rest of my neighborhood, not the other way around.
96. This is a photo of me, in June of '79, with my family's first cat, Mandy. According to my mom, our next-door neighbor Bonnie, the cat's original owner, had named her Zelda, after Zelda Fitzgerald, but I renamed her Mandy, after … I don't know, I was three years old, what did you expect?
Tender is the night, or so said Fitzgerald's husband, F. Scott, but Mandy looked at the camera like she'd just been placed in the hands of Lennie, from Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men." At least she was still in good literary company, if you ask me.
97. On a cultural level one could argue that the 1980s didn't really begin in this country on January 1, 1980, but on January 20, 1981, when Ronald Reagan was inaugurated as our nation's 40th president and 52 American hostages were released by Iran. Similarly, the '90s were playing it by ear until January 16, 1991, when the U.S. launched Operation Desert Storm in Iraq, and the 2000s were hibernating until the shock of September 11, 2001.
So what's the deal, 2020s? It's way too early in the decade for you to be coming on this strong. Give a girl some room to breathe—literally.
98. I'm not a "doomsday prepper," but I am a hoarder of newspaper clippings, including this Chicago Sun-Times article, from September 2011, about the movie Contagion. The bidding starts at .0001 bitcoin. Do I hear .00011?
99. "The president of the United States has the authority to do what the president has the authority to do, which is very powerful," said President Trump on Monday during a White House press briefing on COVID-19.
Actually, the president of the United States has the right to learn the English language, which is very powerful if used correctly, so that he can make intelligent statements about the constitutional limits of his authority. He also has the right to remain silent, an option Trump's likely to hear again once he's no longer president.
100. When I leveraged my future 401(k) earnings to buy a complete set of hair plugs on March 9, who knew the world would go topsy-turvy just a few days later? Even so, I have no regrets. But if anyone out there is in dire need of a sideburn or forelock, I'm ready to talk numbers.
101. With COVID-19 we're all looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but treating patients who've accidentally swallowed an ultraviolet flashlight in search of a cure and can't yet pass it through their system won't be what most doctors had in mind.
102. Even though COVID-19 quickly proved to be much more than "just the flu," it hasn't brought about the end of civilization, making it the high-functioning alcoholic of apocalypses.
103. This afternoon I jogged past a man who was waiting for a bus while playing "Every Breath You Take" on a boombox.
As soon as I recognized the song I doubled back, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "I believe the more on-the-nose coronavirus-related Police song you want to be playing is 'Don't Stand So Close to Me.'" He nodded, then pulled down his mask and exhaled, "Thaaaaaaank youuuuuuu."
Who says you can't make a new friend during a pandemic? I was about to invite him to the Lake of the Ozarks for the weekend, but his bus pulled up. Until we meet again!
As soon as I recognized the song I doubled back, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "I believe the more on-the-nose coronavirus-related Police song you want to be playing is 'Don't Stand So Close to Me.'" He nodded, then pulled down his mask and exhaled, "Thaaaaaaank youuuuuuu."
Who says you can't make a new friend during a pandemic? I was about to invite him to the Lake of the Ozarks for the weekend, but his bus pulled up. Until we meet again!
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