celebrity weddings

Why are we (and by "we," I mean "not me since I'm above the fray") so obsessed with celebrities getting married? Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have been dating for less than a year, I think, and now she's being questioned on national TV about her rumored $8 million wedding plans. She's not even engaged, for God's sake. Leave her alone. And who cares if her ex-husband and Angelina Jolie get married or not? Who cares if Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban get married? Who cares if Nicole's ex-husband and Katie Holmes get married?

Here's my theory on why we—remember, we = not me—care: as long as those celebrities aren't married, we can't start the countdown to their divorce. And everybody loves a countdown. (Otherwise VH1 and E! would have a very large hole in their programming schedules.) I love when shows like Entertainment Tonight go nuts over celebrity wedding coverage and then wish the stars "all the best." Uh-huh, sure—you know you're already getting the B-roll footage ready for the day when the separation announcement is made. It's all so silly and invasive and strangely puritanical.

Say, I wonder when Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are going to tie the knot ...